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(February 11, 2018 at 8:19 pm)J a c k Wrote: CIJSAIJBH...
I remember a conversation between us about five years ago. Our friendship was barely starting and we felt we could talk about anything. I was joking about Mexicanism, and you mentioned something about the guy at the bar and how you could tell he was about to get laid by the way he stretched as he waited for the tab. You were telling me about your ex and I was talking about my current trust issues as our friends chugged down tequila and I tried not to gag at the smell of it, because as you learned that day, I hate tequila.
You then said something that I haven’t forgotten. You said it’s ideal to date a girl who has slight self esteem issues, because this way they won’t feel they’re above you. You said it’s ideal for there to be just a tad of insecurity and for them not to know just how hot they really are. You seemed to be joking.
Years went by and you were there through everything. You helped me move my shit from that house to my tiny studio. You helped me feel safe when I thought I’d end up being one of those murdered women found at the end of a ditch, killed by her hateful ex. You and I became the best of friends and we shared everything. Our compatibility was so satisfying. You dated and told me the stories. My heart shattered once, and you saw me soak the pieces in whiskey and stouts. You broke a few hearts, I kissed a few frogs, and we told out stories over football, poetry nights, craft hunts, and political debates.
You met me when I was in a toxic relationship. I was being called names, I felt hideous, and I was accustomed to abuse. When I broke free, you watched me grow taller and you heard my voice thicken. By the time I was stronger, I had learned that you wanted more than just to be friends.
Why am I still driving around as if I haven’t found “it”? Why am I not convinced? Many reasons, but listen...
You tell me I’m a “ten”, then you follow by mentioning one of my flaws and how you don’t mind it, because you’re 40 and old enough to know what things really matter. You tell me your friends can’t wait to meet me in your home state, then you warn me that the short guy is into -taller and skinnier- so he won’t be attracted to me. Did I ask? What makes you think it ever crossed my mind that your friend could like me that way? When I’m worried about my flaws (the usual one that make me unhappy) you notice and bring them up, followed by “you’re perfect for me”. And I can’t tell what this is. Do you want to remind me how hideous I am, so I stay insecure and need you to be strong, or do you really like me, flaws and all? Am I judging you unfairly as if you were comparable to my hellish past? Are you maybe really actually amazing, but I have a filter of bad experience that makes it difficult to appreciate your greatness? Are you a dick? Are you a bully?
I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m in the middle.
Here’s the thing. I’m going to get to the bottom of this and there’s something you should know. If it’s what I think it is, you’re at a loss. I have learned to love myself. I like my walk. I like my voice. I like my mannerisms. I like my accent. No, I won’t change the way I pronounce “chef”, “Chevron”, Charlotte”, or “caramel”. Fuck that. This is a part of me. I won’t get jealous of other women, because I’m not the jealous type. I won’t stop playing my music, because you gave me a lesson on what “real, actually good music” is like. I won’t stop going just to play it safe. I’m free and freedom has been tasting amazing to me. I’m feeling strong and strength has been tasting amazing to me.
So, what’s up? What’s this about? Am I being paranoid based on my past experience? Am I being unfair? Or... am I onto something? Have I caught you trying to remind me that I’m not fire?
I will figure this out and whatever it is will determine what happens next. Here goes nothin’.
There's definitely red flags, imho.
"Of course, everyone will claim they respect someone who tries to speak the truth, but in reality, this is a rare quality. Most respect those who speak truths they agree with, and their respect for the speaking only extends as far as their realm of personal agreement. It is less common, almost to the point of becoming a saintly virtue, that someone truly respects and loves the truth seeker, even when their conclusions differ wildly."
February 12, 2018 at 2:11 pm (This post was last modified: February 12, 2018 at 2:13 pm by SteelCurtain.)
Negging is the kind of shit that 23 year old douches do because they read in a Tucker Max book that it's the "only surefire way to get pussy, bro!"
If he's still doing this shit 20 years after you'd expect him to learn better, he's probably a bit of a project.
"There remain four irreducible objections to religious faith: that it wholly misrepresents the origins of man and the cosmos, that because of this original error it manages to combine the maximum servility with the maximum of solipsism, that it is both the result and the cause of dangerous sexual repression, and that it is ultimately grounded on wish-thinking." ~Christopher Hitchens, god is not Great
PM me your email address to join the Slack chat! I'll give you a taco(or five) if you join!--->There's an app and everything!<---
I have the concept for my next novel floating in my mind, but I am feeling to lazy to seriously delve into writing it at the moment. I have about nine chapters done, but that is it.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
February 13, 2018 at 1:25 pm (This post was last modified: February 13, 2018 at 1:26 pm by Shell B.)
(February 12, 2018 at 2:11 pm)SteelCurtain Wrote: Negging is the kind of shit that 23 year old douches do because they read in a Tucker Max book that it's the "only surefire way to get pussy, bro!"
If he's still doing this shit 20 years after you'd expect him to learn better, he's probably a bit of a project.
TIL what negging is.
(February 13, 2018 at 10:30 am)Lutrinae Wrote: CIJS,
I have the concept for my next novel floating in my mind, but I am feeling to lazy to seriously delve into writing it at the moment. I have about nine chapters done, but that is it.
And two hours later, you finished it? What did you do, smoke meth? Tell me your secrets.
I want to be away from here. My heart hurts. It's been over three years and I have come to accept that he will never allow me to see her again. She's two and a half miles up the fucking road. He's that manipulative. I have no way of grieving this loss because she's still living. But he controls everything and there's no amount of money in the world that's going to convince a corrupt judge that he's just some evil piece of shit that literally stole my child from me. It fucking hurts so bad. But there's three other kids that I do have in my life that need me NOW. But I feel like I'm giving up on her. Like I'm letting her go. I'm a bad mom for thinking this. But there isn't anything I can do. I feel so helpless because I can't do what needs to be done. The law is the law and he got away with breaking every aspect of it because he's sly and he put himself in a position of power.
Eight years. Eight fucking years since my own blood turned on me and sided with that abusive pile of shit. She wrote me off quicker than you can spit on the sidewalk. She put him on some sort of a pedestal and left me standing there without my child. And she didn't care. She helped twist that knife further and further into my back and she just didn't care.
I love my kids so much. I love my stepsons like they were my own. So how can a mother do that to her own daughter? How can a mother look her own blood in the eye and lie under oath and side with an abusive, psychotic animal and just do it like it was okay? Because she never loved me. She never had the burning desire to love me, like I love my own children. I fell in love with all of my kids and that is a love like no other. That sort of love makes you so connected to your babies that you feel sick at the thought of anything bad happening to any one of them. She didn't feel that for me. She just didn't care. So she helped that monster steal my joy and steal my life by stealing my child.
So I have to get away. I cannot continue to live where it hurts, where I am reminded daily, of the loss I cannot grieve. I have been denied of four birthdays, four christmases, four of every single holiday that has come about since September 15th, 2014. And I can't deal with it anymore. This is literally killing me. And yes - you can literally die of a broken heart.
But I am so torn. The other three kids need me to be present in their lives. They don't need a mom who cries every day. They need a strong mom, because for the boys - especially the boys - I am literally all they have. Their own mother picked her abusive man over her children and their father has pretty much checked out of the whole parenting thing. So I will continue to love them and give them what their birth parents won't.
Six years. Six more years and I can leave this state. So I will continue to live with six more years of being tormented by the fact that I have a child living right up the road, who I will never see again. There's a reason to not believe in a god and this is it. No god should ever be allowed to be this cruel to give a special needs child a mother who loves her unconditionally, and then rip her away from that love and expect the mother to be okay with it. That is torture. That is pure evil and that is most certainly NOT indicative of any loving god. This is a hurt like no other and I didn't deserve any of that shit.
Disclaimer: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you choose to understand.
(November 14, 2018 at 8:57 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote: Have a good day at work. If we ever meet in a professional setting, let me answer your question now. Yes, I DO want fries with that.
(February 13, 2018 at 1:25 pm)Shell B Wrote: And two hours later, you finished it? What did you do, smoke meth? Tell me your secrets.
The novel I posted as having finished is not the new one about which I mentioned in this thread.
Write one about this guy who is gay but can't admit it to himself, so he goes overboard doing stereotypical masculine things like hunting. Then a gay (or maybe bi) guy tries to bring him out by dressing like a woman and trying to seduce him.
I want to disappear! or though go somewhere for a while.... just away from you! Fuck with all the bosses! I'm so sorry ... but she sucks, and I'm already tired of her
"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me."
“I may be on the side of the angels but don’t think for one second that I am one of them.”
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day."
Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
