God is a Sadistic Alien
August 23, 2013 at 12:22 am
(This post was last modified: August 23, 2013 at 2:22 am by Michael Schubert.)
Lately, I've been trying to reconcile the conflicting stories of Christianity, Scientology, and Mormonism. Who exactly is Jesus? Does Jesus have anything to do with the evil alien lord, Xenu? Is Elohim the son of Yaweh or Xenu? Will I get my own planet and sexy ladies to bang when I die? So here comes this story....
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The earth is ruled by a woman God by the name of Sasha. She is an alien, and she looks just like the black aliens with the long heads in the Alien movies, except she wears a pink halter top. In most religions, God is a man, but it turns out God is actually a woman. Millions and millions of years ago, Sasha lived in the Solar System. Then one day Sasha's husband, Bernie was smoking pot out of his bong. But it was a Friday night, and Bernie was going all the way, so he took a huge hit and blew out a big globe of smoke. Then Sasha saw this, and the smoke just stood there, levitating in space. "Weird", they both thought. After thinking for a few moments, they decided they could do something with this mysterious globe of cannabis smoke, so they waved their magic wands and POOF turned it into a planet. Bernie was a bit too busy with his other projects (he was a used car salesman and worked a lot), so he handed the planet over to Sasha.
Now, Sasha's a bit of a conniver. She is the kind of alien who likes to push buttons and play with people's heads. So she decided to put people on the earth to mess with. First she placed artificial bones (that looked very real) deep down in the earth, and then placed the Holy Bible and book of Mormon some place in the middle east (they were really written by her, not God or Jesus Christ). The last thing she did was create human beings that walked the earth.
Millions of years after Sasha created the earth, some people discovered the Holy Bible and Book of Mormon and started reading about Jesus Christ. Then a few thousands years later after everyone started believing in God, paleontologists discovered the transitional fossils, and the theory of evolution was devised. So then people started questioning God, leaving other people confused about what to believe: Did God create human beings, or did we evolve over millions of years from pre-existing life forms? This was, after all, Sasha's plan for humanity. Remember, Sasha is manipulative and likes to push people's buttons. She gets a kick out of watching people engage in vicious debates.
This whole debate between God and evolution goes on and on for decades. People are so confused, they don't even know what to think anymore. Some religious people are so fundamentalist that they do not let their children marry atheists, while other Christian fascists like Pat Robertson go on national television and make money by guaranteeing people a one-way ticket to heaven. Recently, people started debating the evolution and the existence of God on online discussion forums.
And that brings us to today. I have now discovered this phenomenon about the earth. Sasha is mysterious and wants to deceive you for her entertainment. This is the purpose of Michaelology: You must be a critical thinker and not take anything you see or hear at face value. Always remember: Sasha is always trying to scam you.
_____
So what do you think? Do you like it better than the other religions? How many people do you think I can scam with this story? I should be competing with Bryan Fischer in no time.
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The earth is ruled by a woman God by the name of Sasha. She is an alien, and she looks just like the black aliens with the long heads in the Alien movies, except she wears a pink halter top. In most religions, God is a man, but it turns out God is actually a woman. Millions and millions of years ago, Sasha lived in the Solar System. Then one day Sasha's husband, Bernie was smoking pot out of his bong. But it was a Friday night, and Bernie was going all the way, so he took a huge hit and blew out a big globe of smoke. Then Sasha saw this, and the smoke just stood there, levitating in space. "Weird", they both thought. After thinking for a few moments, they decided they could do something with this mysterious globe of cannabis smoke, so they waved their magic wands and POOF turned it into a planet. Bernie was a bit too busy with his other projects (he was a used car salesman and worked a lot), so he handed the planet over to Sasha.
Now, Sasha's a bit of a conniver. She is the kind of alien who likes to push buttons and play with people's heads. So she decided to put people on the earth to mess with. First she placed artificial bones (that looked very real) deep down in the earth, and then placed the Holy Bible and book of Mormon some place in the middle east (they were really written by her, not God or Jesus Christ). The last thing she did was create human beings that walked the earth.
Millions of years after Sasha created the earth, some people discovered the Holy Bible and Book of Mormon and started reading about Jesus Christ. Then a few thousands years later after everyone started believing in God, paleontologists discovered the transitional fossils, and the theory of evolution was devised. So then people started questioning God, leaving other people confused about what to believe: Did God create human beings, or did we evolve over millions of years from pre-existing life forms? This was, after all, Sasha's plan for humanity. Remember, Sasha is manipulative and likes to push people's buttons. She gets a kick out of watching people engage in vicious debates.
This whole debate between God and evolution goes on and on for decades. People are so confused, they don't even know what to think anymore. Some religious people are so fundamentalist that they do not let their children marry atheists, while other Christian fascists like Pat Robertson go on national television and make money by guaranteeing people a one-way ticket to heaven. Recently, people started debating the evolution and the existence of God on online discussion forums.
And that brings us to today. I have now discovered this phenomenon about the earth. Sasha is mysterious and wants to deceive you for her entertainment. This is the purpose of Michaelology: You must be a critical thinker and not take anything you see or hear at face value. Always remember: Sasha is always trying to scam you.
_____
So what do you think? Do you like it better than the other religions? How many people do you think I can scam with this story? I should be competing with Bryan Fischer in no time.
