(August 11, 2014 at 10:45 am)FallentoReason Wrote: Your thoughts on finding "the one"?

"Someone looking for me?"


As for the topic, it seems to me that people have been trying to figure out a formula for successfully finding Mr or Mrs Right for a very long time. My guess? It's not nearly as hard as some people make it seem.

*throws in a few shallow philosophical platitudes to fill the rest of the space*

You are only 23. You have plenty of time. I don't know too many people that have an interesting "how we met story." Most are average: party, friends, work, school, and such. You're putting yourself out there; it's gonna happen. Your friends sound a bit naive. Those "4 numbers" you got are a great place to start. You met them in a cafe? Call them up and see if they wanna get a cup of coffee. Both of you obviously like coffee (whatever they were drinking), so there is a shared interest. What is "artificial" about that? Relax. Ease into it. Just keep in mind they probably didn't give you their numbers because they're looking for someone to settle down with, marry, and ride off into the sunset, living happily ever after. They probably thought you were interesting, cute, whatever. Start with that. Think trial and error not home run on the first swing.

(August 12, 2014 at 1:24 am)StealthySkeptic Wrote: FTR, man, seriously, good for you for not only getting these girls' numbers, but for not leading with, say, a lame pickup line. Treating girls like people and not targets is the best way to become their acquaintances, friends, lovers, what have you.

Thank you I would never objectify women even if it's to the slightest degree. I definitely see all women as potential friends/lovers with real feelings and thoughts haha.

Quote:And random meetings where you reach out are the best way to meet girls, or really anybody! I literally turned to the first person on my left and talked to her, and now we've been dating for close to four years.

Wow, good on you! That definitely gives me more hope.

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(August 12, 2014 at 7:34 am)Brakeman Wrote:

(August 11, 2014 at 10:45 am)FallentoReason Wrote: Like most people, I want a family, and this means that eventually I will have to find the girl - a.k.a. "the one" - that is for me.

Personally, I think seeking a lifemate by making a shopping list is the wrong way to go about it. (I made that mistake too)

I think the best way to find "the one" is to work slavishly to become "the one" on your side.

Oh, definitely! I tuned in on this about two years ago, and ever since I've been continuously working on myself.

Quote:Girls are looking, consciously and subconsciously, for guys that have sharply defined traits of compassion, confidence, honesty, stability, looks, and fun. If you strive hard to build that within yourself, (It's take more work than building a space station) you will attract the best woman who will show you the best within her.

The best women have strong radar!

I'd like to think that I have plenty to offer. I'm a musician and poet at heart, all the while building a future for me and a family through my engineering degree. And I maintain good body physique at the gym while making sure to look my sharpest every time I walk out of the house. There's plenty on my plate as it is haha.

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(August 12, 2014 at 9:12 am)Zack Wrote: You are only 23. You have plenty of time. I don't know too many people that have an interesting "how we met story." Most are average: party, friends, work, school, and such. You're putting yourself out there; it's gonna happen. Your friends sound a bit naive. Those "4 numbers" you got are a great place to start. You met them in a cafe? Call them up and see if they wanna get a cup of coffee. Both of you obviously like coffee (whatever they were drinking), so there is a shared interest. What is "artificial" about that? Relax. Ease into it. Just keep in mind they probably didn't give you their numbers because they're looking for someone to settle down with, marry, and ride off into the sunset, living happily ever after. They probably thought you were interesting, cute, whatever. Start with that. Think trial and error not home run on the first swing.

Mmm yes, good advice. I think you're right in that I need to relax a bit. Maybe I should completely forget about my end goal, and just focus on the here and now. Take it in one day at a time, and see where things go with these girls that I meet.

(August 12, 2014 at 12:25 am)FallentoReason Wrote:

(August 11, 2014 at 1:10 pm)Clueless Morgan Wrote: So, if you met a girl in class you wouldn't deliberately have to approach her or introduce yourself in order to initiate that connection? I think you do. Even if she's sitting right next to you, you still have to say something to her to establish a connection, even if it's "Did you catch which pages we're supposed to read for homework?" or "My copy of the syllabus is smudged, does that say the paper is due this Friday or next Friday?"

My point is that whether you happen to see a girl in a cafe and introduce yourself, or see a girl in class and introduce yourself, or see a girl at a gig and introduce yourself, you're still creating the circumstances for you to meet.

Sure, but I think in class it would feel more.. "acceptable".. to initiate a conversation, because you're bound to meet classmates eventually. It's one of the ways in which we make friends. But at a cafe, there isn't that expectation.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to talk to strangers when you're standing in line at a store or coffee shop or something. You might get a lot of "weird stranger, stop talking to me" looks, or polite smiles and then they look away, but you get people who respond to you, too. I have met some people that I consider to be pretty good friends I met at coffee shops and one of us just started chatting up the other. Granted, we're all "regulars" so it wasn't like we were best friends after one 40 second long conversation waiting for our coffees to be made.

It can also have a lot to do with personal proclivities and personality types. Some people are extremely introverted and wouldn't talk to classmates unless that classmate started the conversation (I was like this in my larger lecture classes in college - I didn't start to get to know my fellow classmates until I got into smaller classes of about 20-30 people). It's often up to the more extroverted or courageous person to initiate the conversation, and it sounds like you're willing to be that person.

Bottom line is, it doesn't matter whether it's in class or a bar or a coffee shop or where ever, someone has to take the initiative and start a conversation, make a connection, or it's not going to happen.

There's no such thing as "the one". If you want to have a lifetime of happiness you have to find someone who makes a really good friend, take the good with the bad, make sacrifices, learn to compromise, and spend the rest of your life working at it. You can do this with anyone who you are compatible with that wants the same thing as you. Once you pick someone, if you're looking for a way to keep the spice in your relationship, hit me up. I haz ideas

I'm 20. Women are expensive, I've got some shitty genetic factors I don't feel the need to pass on, and divorce laws in America (as well as the court system in general) are designed so that lawyers can suck all your money out of your wallet over a very long period of time.

(August 11, 2014 at 11:17 am)FallentoReason Wrote:

(August 11, 2014 at 11:12 am)Bibliofagus Wrote: Your friends have some pretty funny ideas i'd say. Are you sure they are not messsing with you?

Well, the first two that I mentioned are liberal Christians that basically want their future wife to be someone they naturally came across one day, by chance. I can imagine they want on their wedding day to be able to tell this amazing story that led them to fall in love.
I can see where they're coming from, and I wholeheartedly would love such a thing to happen to me. But statistically speaking, that might finally happen to me 20 years down the line.

The third mate that I mentioned is "Catholic", and has had around 10 relationships by now, with most of them having started when he met the girl somewhere/somehow, and then not even joking, have gone on dates 3-4 days in a row after the day they met, with kissing in between and I'm sure sex within the first couple of weeks.
This is actually something that I definitely find artificial and I wouldn't be comfortable establishing a relationship this way. In saying that, it seems like it works for him, and that's good for him I suppose.

So the thing is that it's not okay for you and the first two friends to find true love while 'looking for' (or even thinking about the possibility you might get) some sexual fun. Correct?

I'd try to lose that attitude. I was an atheist all my life, secular parents, never seriously went to church (except a few times when I was dating a christian girl). Yet I never labelled or presented myself as an atheist. I felt no need.
I started identifying as an atheist when I realized that christian concepts and 'morality' were deeply programmed into me. Jebus' sacrifice was the best sacrifice ever. Abraham was commendable for offering to kill his son to make god happy, stuff like that.

When I was dating the christian girl I've met people who actually told me to go to church because it's easy to meet girls there, which even to me seemed dishonest at the time The girls can't feel the same as these guys about going to church now can they? Surely the demure christian girls were being misled by these guys who have been overpowered by their dicks!

The thing I missed was that it turned out the girls could very well go to church to meet potential mates. This was made very clear to me later on by several girls. The only pool of potential mates their parents would approve of... was at the fucking church.
Why did I miss that? I think it was because of my precooked ideas about why girls go to church. An idea that was cooked into me by culture, and not by my own observations.

Hope you get what I mean.

You are 23. Chill out. There is plenty of time to meet 'the one.'

@OP: Here's how to pick the right wife.

http://boldanddetermined.com/2012/01/21/...ight-wife/

Quote:I'm 20. Women are expensive,

Yeah...it can be cheaper to rent than to buy.