(January 11, 2015 at 4:46 am)Exian Wrote:

(January 11, 2015 at 4:39 am)Alex K Wrote: Welcome!

Wait, didn't we already have a confession of a church drummer not too long ago? Seems to be a skeptical bunch

Yeah I was gonna mention that. I forget so much information I intend to add to my posts by posting on this damn phone. I wonder how many bands we could form on this forum without repeat members.

Me, too. Whenever I have my phone, like right now, I barely manage more than aphorisms.

Exian,

Being honest with my family and close friends is very important to me, and right now the only guilt I feel is related to that. Also, because of the very public collapse of the well-known church I was at, talking church and where I will go next is a favorite topic for my parents whenever I talk with them. For now I just lie, but I can't keep that up forever.

Alex,
We are a skeptical bunch Anybody have a link to the other drummer confessional?

Hello Pearl, welcome to the forums. Nice to meet you, and thanks for sharing your story with us.

You are taking a very brave first step here, and it sounds to me like you have your head straight about all of this. I'm with you, I can't pretend to be something I'm not with the people I care about.

I understand the guilt you are feeling, but from my perspective you are being too hard on yourself. When you are indoctrinated as a child, your parents are filling your head with falsehoods, presented as facts. (I assume this is what happened, it's normal). It is only natural to accept the wisdom of your parents, we are all generally programmed that way as humans. We learn from those who have lived longer than us, especially our care givers. So it is not your fault you were lied to, nor theirs exactly, because they were probably indoctrinated too.

All the time you really believed in god, or at least thought it credible enough to support, you were not lying to anyone. If you believed what you were saying, it was not deceit. We all say what we believe at the time. We may come to later realize we were wrong, but that doesn't make us liars. I accept that you may have continued to pretend even after your belief waned. That again is very understandable, it's not an easy thing to just come out with, especially when you know the impact such a revelation is going to have. Sometimes you have to keep up the pretense until such time that you are ready to lay it all out. It has to be done right.

So please don't be too hard on yourself. You have gone on a long journey, you were placed at the wrong end of the board and you've slowly moved to the right end. That wasn't your fault. My advice would be to make it very clear that it is your personal beliefs that have changed, not you as a person. And that you don't feel differently about them either, you have come to disagree with them about their beliefs, but you think no less of them as a person. A lot of people get their religion tightly wound around their identity, so it's important to distinguish between them. I relentlessly slag off religion on this forum, but I don't slag off the people who hold those beliefs.

The other thing is, you can't even apologize for losing your faith, because it's not under your control. We don't decide what our beliefs are, they are states of mind. If we are convinced of something, given the information we have, then we believe it. We can't choose not to. And if we're not convinced, we can't decide that we suddenly are convinced. That is a fundamental misunderstanding of anyone who says, "Why are you an atheist? Why don't you believe?" They are really asking, "Why don't you choose to believe?" which is nonsensical.

I hope it goes well for you, and that they understand. It's great that you have such a close relationship with your father, and if he loves you, he should understand. You are only using the brain "god" gave you, from his point of view, to your best ability. People who really care about you will stick by you. And anyone who doesn't, well... it's their problem and their loss. If they expect you to pretend something just to keep them happy, then their feelings for you are obvious very conditional.

Anyhow, I look forward to reading more from you, and please let us know how you get on.

Hiya PDB. I thought at first you might be my old drummer, with whom I had a falling-out over my rejection of faith after years together in three different bands. What styles do you play now? I'm a guitarist who plays a little everything.

Interesting story. I don't know your parents, but hopefully this won't instigate anything more than a little puzzlement on their part. Good luck, and welcome aboard.

http://atheistforums.org/thread-30465-po...#pid827681

(January 11, 2015 at 5:45 am)pearldrumbum Wrote: Alex,
We are a skeptical bunch Anybody have a link to the other drummer confessional?

Thank you for the thoughtful response robvalue. The main issue isn't whether my close relationships will end over this, I don't believe they will. The real fear I have is becoming a burden to them, constantly worrying for my soul and wasting too many hours a day praying for me to find my way back (in the case of my mom, hours a day is not an exaggeration).

Parkers - I'm probably not that drummer. I've never been one to argue much with people about religion one way or another.

@pearldrumbum, what motivates you to tell your family and friends that you don't believe in Christianity? In my case, I have decided to keep my disbelief private and pretend to be a doubting Christian. I don't see any advantage to telling people, but I feel like I'm living a double-life a bit. Everybody is different, so I was curious about your reasons.

You're welcome Yes, the hell thing is hard. One of the most vile aspects of religions. I'm not sure how it can be addressed... the only thing I've got is to deflect by saying how long have you spent worried that I'm going to islam hell? Or Fierygod254's hell? Or any of the other infinite possibilities of religion and associated hell? I don't know if that would have any impact. Maybe you could present arguments as to why hell is so stupid. An all loving God could not possibly send people to be tortured forever, especially just for using their brain.

I wish I had a better suggestion

(January 11, 2015 at 12:50 pm)watchamadoodle Wrote: @pearldrumbum, what motivates you to tell your family and friends that you don't believe in Christianity? In my case, I have decided to keep my disbelief private and pretend to be a doubting Christian. I don't see any advantage to telling people, but I feel like I'm living a double-life a bit. Everybody is different, so I was curious about your reasons.

Speaking as a former worship-team leader and ex-Christian, I can only say that dealing with the fallout from telling people I had deconverted was less stressful than living a lie. It took me about a year to "come out" to my wife, which was tough because I knew she would worry about me. Eventually, however, she made the gradual shift from Christian to Agnostic to non-theist (she still doesn't like the word atheist, but for all intents and purposes she is.)

Extremely cool intro story! Welcome to the forums.