[split] The Newly Departed thread: announcements (departures)

[Thumpalumpacus]

Drinking certainly made a mess of my feelings. Quitting was one of the best things I did to get a handle on them.

It was hard for me to understand myself when I was drunk; and it was hard to keep emotions from becoming feedback loops.

[Athene]

@ Alasdair

It would probably be best to make an effort to avoid letting your mood/general outlook rise and fall according to what some twerps online say or think about you. (And yes, I count myself amongst the "twerps" in this context). And perhaps not be so quick to call someone who you happen to exchange friendly posts with, "friend".

It's a setup for disappointment, really.

There are many people I like, admire, and enjoying engaging with on this forum...doesn't mean they're friends. Would the majority of them be willing to do almost anything within their power to help me, and I for them? Nah.

It pays to be realistic about these things.

[Edwardo Piet]

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Ger...000000.pdf

Excessive reassurance seeking is excessive, of course.

I tend to not seek it but very much appreciate it when I receive it. I certainly don't want to discourage anyone from cheering me up when I'm down

If I ever do seek it I don't think it's to an excessive amount. I think I'm more of a reassurer than a reassured actually

It's a wonderful thing when it's non-excessive and not actively sought.

---

@ Alasdair

It would probably be best to make an effort to avoid letting your mood/general outlook rise and fall according to what some twerps online say or think about you. (And yes, I count myself amongst the "twerps" in this context). And perhaps not be so quick to call someone who you happen to exchange friendly posts with, "friend".

It's a setup for disappointment, really.

There are many people I like, admire, and enjoying engaging with on this forum...doesn't mean they're friends. Would the majority of them be willing to do almost anything within their power to help me, and I for them? Nah.

It pays to be realistic about these things.

There are friends and there are close friends.

There are some close friends who would help me if they could, and I would do the same for them, yes.

Certainly the majority of people here wouldn't. But it's about quality not quantity.

I think that basically I'm very emotionally mature because I'm very comfortable with expressing all my feelings. I believe there are no wrong feelings and it's okay to express them all. I think people mistake my emotionality for oversensitivty. I think that I'm a lot more comfortable with my emotions than the vast majority of people. It seems so extremely common for people to fear their emotions.... whether it's anger, or not feeling like they can cry... or fear of having a panic attack, or whatever. I'm comfortable with all my emotions no matter how up and down. And I express myself honestly and openly and I think that's very healthy. Keeping things inside is very bad for us. I don't feel resentment or any other chronic negative emotions because I just express them when they're there... I don't let them eat me away. I tell my friends how I feel and tell them they can do the same.

I dunno, I don't get it. I just think what works for me and what works for others works for others. I know what I'm doing and what's good for me

[*Deidre*]

Everyone here likes you, ham. Don't go. Things get heated and stuff gets said but at the end of the day your friends are still your friends.

Yeah I know. I just get downhearted sometimes and then I honestly express it

Better out than in. That's all

I will say you might be the only person I've ever ''met'' online or offline who shares all of his feelings, as he's having them. I'm not opposed to sharing my feelings, but sometimes, I'm wary of doing so, depending on the situation. You just go for it, and share them. I think that is who you really are, and you should always be who you really are. People who ''get you'' will be your true friends, and those who don't...won't. You have to be able to accept that not everyone will like you. Even if you've done nothing wrong, you never know the reasons, sometimes. 

Just thought I'd share that, I've thought that for a while, and just never said anything. See? It took me that long to share my feelings about your feelings. lol 

[Shell B]

Are you sure you're not seeking it, Evie? A lot of the behavior you display when you're down looks like reassurance-seeking to me. That's coming from someone who reassurance seeks, though not to this degree. I'm not going to try to tell you how to get treatment or change your mind about things. I'm just saying your view of what is good for you is often in direct conflict with the advice of mental health professionals. I hope you get better at seeing that people aren't hurting you. You're being hurt by things people naturally do. It will do you a world of good. Glad you're in a better mood now, though. Peace.

ETA: I saw you mentioned that you know what works and what's good for you, and yet here you are having huge mood-swings. Avoidance feels really good to someone with clinical OCD (I'll make the distinction because you use it differently, which I should point out usually annoys the shit out of people in the OCD community. I could give a fuck less, but if you're ever chilling with people who have OCD, don't tell them you have a "have to respond to people" OCD. They'll rip you a new asshole.) Anyway, back to my point. Avoidance feels good. It's what I want to do to feel better in the short term. In the long term, it sends me into relapses because I start avoiding everything until the only shit left is stuff I can't avoid.

[Edwardo Piet]

I'm sure I'm not excessively seeking it. I don't think I'm really seeking it per se at all. I just like it. I don't need it. It's just helpful and nice, of course.

I like being me.

I really think expressing my feelings honestly and openly rather than holding them in is healthy. I really think not needing reassurance but accepting it rather than rejecting it when it's helpful is healthy. I think if I told someone to fuck off when I was in a bad mood and they were there to reassurance me rather than allowing them to cheer me up that would be bad.

It's all about balance. I shouldn't excessively seek reassurance but I don't think I should stop appreciating it either. What works for you works for you, what works for me works for me. The professionals would not tell me that accepting and appreciating reassurance rather than rejecting it is healthier. They would tell me that excessive reassurance seeking is unhealthy. But I am not doing that. I don't seek it at all. I am just glad that I've had it in hindsight and wouldn't discourage it.

ETA: I've never thought that anyone has hurt me. I'm just expressing feelings of hurt. Feelings are irrational. What I feel is not what I believe. My feelings don't represent me. I'm fine no matter how I feel. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel upset. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. Emotions are often irrational. But it's better to tell people how ourselves feel than to pretend otherwise and let emotions eat away at ourselves.

ETA2: No fuckers are going to rip me a new asshole for saying I definitely have O.C. symptoms but might not have the disorder. Like I said, "O.C.D." is often used informally without actually having the disorder. If they ripped me a new asshole they'd just be telling me things I already know. And being SJWish-taking-offence-where-no-offence-was-given politically correct assholes. I know what O.C.D. is. This is why I often say I have O.C. symptoms but not O.C.D. per se. It's a pain to type out "O.C. Symptoms but not necessarily O.C.D." all the time. A compulsion to respond is a compulsion. It's hardly the only symptoms I have. I'm starting to think I should just shut up.

ETA3: Avoidance is exactly what I'm avoiding by openly expressing myself rather than holding stuff inside. I want to address everything directly. I'm certainly not the avoidant type. I reach out to people and things directly. I'm as straightforward as they come.

---

I also don't want anyone to condescend me or act like I can't take care of myself or need help when I'm already getting help just because I've been open and honest about my mental health problems. I'm of course already getting all the help I can get. And only myself and my doctors know exactly how much help I need and how serious it is. I don't want any of my condition to be interpreted like anyone knows the full extent of it besides myself. I can say that I'm not doing so great mentally without being told what's good for me when I already know what's good for me... right?

It's like in the past when I've been told by people I won't accept help just because I don't agree with a piece of advice and I'm already getting help.

It's the only sort of thing that makes me regret being so open. I'm not asking for advice. Reassurance is a lot better than advice because reassurance actually helps and tells me something I don't already know. I don't need reassurance but it does help when I'm down to be cheered up. People reassure each other for a reason. I don't want to be made into a strawman. I feel like I can't even explain the most basic thing. It's really simple... liking reassurance and having it cheer us up is not the same as needing it. I don't need unsolicited advice when I know what's good for me.

[Edwardo Piet]

I give up. I was feeling better after Shell was nice to reassure me but now I feel like my thank you wasn't accepted. Appreciating reassurance when given =/= excessively seeking reassurance. I feel so alone and misunderstood.

It's fine for me to feel this way. I'm not phobic of emotions. Whereas it seems clear to me that most people are. That's all I'm trying to tell people. That it's mature to not be afraid of our emotions. On another thread Homeless Nutter said I was having a meltdown which is a perfect example of the kind of emotional phobia I'm talking about. I can't be emotional without him labelling it as a meltdown. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me being emotional. It doesn't mean I'm having a meltdown just because he can't handle it. I thought people want me to be open and honest. I'm starting to think that a lot of people are full of shit. If someone says to me "I would always want you to be honest with me" it seems like most of the time that's bullshit.

[Shell B]

If you want friends, you get advice with it. I'm not sorry for giving it, but definitely feel like you're dismissive of people's opinions about the stuff you share. I mean, we can not respond or just say "there, there" if that's what you want, but that doesn't feel friendly. It feels dismissive of your problems.

Yes, OCD is often used colloquially. People who have OCD don't like that at all. It trivializes our illness and turns it into a meme or something people can use to describe any compulsion or habit, which is bullshit. It's like when people who are sad their dog died say they are depressed. A lot of people don't like that. I wouldn't say I was retarded around retarded people and then tell them it's too bad because people use it colloquially all the time. You don't have to say obsessions or compulsions without the disorder. Just say obsession or compulsion to describe what you're talking about. This isn't an SJW thing, man. It's a stigmatizing thing. I personally don't mind very much that you do it, but people who do mind aren't being assholes. They want people to understand their disease and stop equating it with responding to people compulsively on a forum or having their pens in the correct order. I didn't spend ten days in a hospital last year because I wasn't able to respond to someone on the fucking internet.

You said a lot about repressing feelings in your response to me. I didn't say you should at all or mention that you shouldn't share what's going on, unless that wasn't directed at me. In which case, carry on.

I'll probably stop chatting to you about this stuff, because I really don't know what to say. You want to talk about your feelings, but don't want anyone to respond other than to tell you that it's all right and they like you. I'd rather not become part of that cycle. We can talk about movies or something instead.

[Edwardo Piet]

It's fine for you to give me advice. I'm just struggling to tell you that I don't agree, is all. I just want to feel like I can say "thank you for the reassurance, it's very much appreciated." And "Thank you for the advice but I don't think it applies to me and I already know about it and you've told me before."

I agree with what you said about O.C.D. I didn't think of just saying compulsions or obsessions. I'll try to bear that in mind. It's just a force of habit to say "O.C.D." you know?

The other thing is I often say it because I think there's a high likelihood that I have it. Just because I haven't been told "You have O.C.D." by my psych doesn't mean I don't have it. I may not have had the diagnosis but I've had treatment for it. Maybe I should get a diagnosis but my psych said he doesn't like labels and prefers to focus on treatment instead of diagnosis. My obsessions and compulsions are very real whether I'm diagnosed with O.C.D. or not.

As my doctor said, even if I don't get diagnosed with any condition my mental health problems are still very real. If anyone with O.C.D. felt offended and stigmatiszed for what I said I could easily turn around and say they were being ignorant for thinking my symptoms were any less real or serious just because I am not labelled with the disorder.

Some people do get depressed when their dog dies. They may not be diagnosed with depression but it doesn't mean the depression they fall into isn't real. And if they don't recover from that depression anytime soon they may get diagnosed. And if the doctors fail to diagnose their symptoms it doesn't mean that their symptoms don't exist.

I'm not dismissive just because I disagree. It's okay for me to disagree with my friends and it's okay for them to disagree with me.

I don't want my friends to not give me advice when I ask for it... nor do I want my friends to say "there there" rather than being there for me genuinely. I very much like advice when I seek it and I very much like reassurance when it cheers me up.

[Thumpalumpacus]

I just want to point out that advising someone to perhaps not bespeak every emotion at the time it is experienced is not emotionally phobic in and of itself. It can indicate such a state of mind, or something else entirely.

Those who know me know I'm an intensely emotional man. I simply find that broadcasting those emotions and then reacting inwardly to the responses I get is not good for my emotional balance.