How to approach relationships?

[Macoleco]

Thank you. I will start meeting more women and see how it goes.

Ya know, I am kinda struggling with this.

I dated, fooled about, married, had two sprogs, divorced, had a smattering of transient relationships equipped with OMG sex and what have you.

What exactly is the problem here?

Because it seems to me that there is some missing information.

I could guess, but that would be utterly unfair.

What kind of information do you believe is missing?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

When you approach a relationship, do so with your feet shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent, and the sun over your left shoulder...no, wait, that's how you approach a gunfight in the Old West.  Sorry.

Boru

[Angrboda]

It's impossible to tell what you're going to feel once you get into a relationship, so wondering how it will compare to your feelings for this other girl is kinda pointless. You just have to get into a relationship and see what happens. And if it doesn't happen in that one, get into a different one. The thing about relationships is that they offer a lot of potential for growth. Even unsuccessful ones can be worthwhile in that regard. For better or worse, it adds something to your life, and I wouldn't miss it if I were you. (I'm not necessarily speaking from experience. I've been celibate the latter half of my life, due to serious mental health issues. I've pretty much resigned myself to singlehood, and feeling somewhat undesirable. But I still think about it. It probably would do me good to get out there and start dating again now that my health has improved. There's nothing wrong with not dating. But there are things that are right with dating that you won't get anywhere else.)

[Macoleco]

It's impossible to tell what you're going to feel once you get into a relationship, so wondering how it will compare to your feelings for this other girl is kinda pointless. You just have to get into a relationship and see what happens. And if it doesn't happen in that one, get into a different one. The thing about relationships is that they offer a lot of potential for growth. Even unsuccessful ones can be worthwhile in that regard. For better or worse, it adds something to your life, and I wouldn't miss it if I were you. (I'm not necessarily speaking from experience. I've been celibate the latter half of my life, due to serious mental health issues. I've pretty much resigned myself to singlehood, and feeling somewhat undesirable. But I still think about it. It probably would do me good to get out there and start dating again now that my health has improved. There's nothing wrong with not dating. But there are things that are right with dating that you won't get anywhere else.)

Well what I mean is that I would not feel the same level of emotion by dating another girl. I still.willtry it and see what happens

[outtathereligioncloset]

(Don't shoot me!) I've known a surprising number of people in recent years who have had good experiences with online dating sites. But in every case, the site itself was geared toward a specific kind of people. For example. I have some neighbors (married) who met through the Christian Mingle website.

What do you like to do? Having common interests is a great place to start. Forgive me for saying it, but 23 is still young. Please don't get bitter over not connecting with he first girl who really sparked your interest. You still have a long life ahead of you, places to go, people to meet. Do you have any female friends? Ask them these questions. They may know someone who would love to meet you. Blind dates can be a bitch, but having a friend who know you set you up may be a way to go.

[GrandizerII]

So what is your opinion? None of the options satisfy me. What I want is to have a girlfriend that I genuinely like and do activities such as traveling, etc., and not just sex. If your reply will be "Just get a gf and see how it goes", then I ask you, what makes her different from the rest? Since she is the same as any other girl, just prettier or uglier.

Well, you have to start somewhere, no?

IMO, it's hard to get a person you're infatuated with to love you back. After all, your infatuation is sometimes an indicator that you have subconsciously noted they don't like you back the way you do, and such infatuation only makes one come off as desperate, further driving the loved target away. If there is mutual love/like between the two parties, there will be no need for the infatuation part. Again, MO.

[Rev. Rye]

Well, Sterben asked a similar question a couple months ago, and here's what I posted then:

Well, I don't know about normal, but you're not alone. Partly due to a triple threat of A) an autism spectrum disorder, B) horrific experiences in childhood making me more anti-social than the average bear, and C) a foot fetish, I have yet to have a proper relationship. The closest I've come to one is seemingly hitting it off with a girl who actually seemed to be okay with my foot fetish (the fact that she walked barefoot everywhere until the Chicago weather became less amenable to that may have had something to do with it), and, once she figured out I wanted to be her boyfriend, said two words that guaranteed I could never be hers.

Then again, even if she was straight, I can't be sure the process of actually being in a relationship would be good. Have you seen The Phantom Thread? Apart from being yet another masterpiece from Paul Thomas Anderson with yet another masterful performance from Daniel Day-Lewis, it struck a chord with me because of the way Reynolds and Alma's relationship developed: At first, they're happy together, then he falls back into his solitary ways and he starts to view her as something of an intrusion on his life.





Then, Alma hits upon a plan: mushroom poisoning. She does not kill him, however. The mushroom she picked is poisonous, but not deadly. It will cause cramping, vomiting, and diarrhea, but he will survive, and in the meantime, Alma will nurse him back to health. When he's well, he proposes to her, and eventually he comes back full circle to the point where she has to use the mushroom again. This time, she tells him exactly what she's been doing, and what she expects to happen. He happily goes along with it.

And I suspect that if the girl I knew was straight and ended up in a relationship, the biggest difference would be that she probably might not have had the bright idea of mushroom poisoning.

Well, here's a famous parable from Arthur Schopenhauer, one of my favourite philosophers, putting this problem into perspective:





Fans of Evangelion will likely remember this little parable from Episode 4, entitled "The Hedgehog's Dilemma." I wanted to find the clip where Ritsuko tells Misato about it while trying to explain Shinji's introversion (which actually happened in the previous episode "A Transfer,") but I can't find it on Youtube. I can find the second half of the episode (which doesn't include the scene), but not the scene itself.

[KevinM1]

It's impossible to tell what you're going to feel once you get into a relationship, so wondering how it will compare to your feelings for this other girl is kinda pointless.  You just have to get into a relationship and see what happens.  And if it doesn't happen in that one, get into a different one.  The thing about relationships is that they offer a lot of potential for growth.  Even unsuccessful ones can be worthwhile in that regard.  For better or worse, it adds something to your life, and I wouldn't miss it if I were you.  (I'm not necessarily speaking from experience.  I've been celibate the latter half of my life, due to serious mental health issues.  I've pretty much resigned myself to singlehood, and feeling somewhat undesirable.  But I still think about it.  It probably would do me good to get out there and start dating again now that my health has improved.  There's nothing wrong with not dating.  But there are things that are right with dating that you won't get anywhere else.)

Well what I mean is that I would not feel the same level of emotion by dating another girl.

How do you know?

No, really, how do you know?  Almost everyone in the history of the species thinks that their first crush/love is the best one, and everything else will pale in comparison...

...until they actually meet someone better.  And that happens far, far more often than not.  Yeah, first crushes, first loves have that novelty factor, but there's literally nothing about them that's 'special' outside of being first.  And life isn't typically a sappy Hallmark Movie.  Most people don't stay with their high school or college sweetheart.

I'll let you in on a secret: I was in a stable relationship for 2.5 years at the end of high school/beginning of college (which is pretty solid given my physical disability).  I thought she was The One™.  Then, she broke up with me.  I thought she was the best person I could've possibly been with, and then it was over.  I was devastated.

But, then, something funny happened.  I was going to college and meeting people.  And, it wasn't like I was actively on the prowl or anything, but during the course of my time there I met 3-4 women around my age that literally made me forget about my ex.  They weren't just physically attractive, but beautiful personalities.  Some I had shared interests with, some not, but nothing that was a game breaker.  Now, in my case, I had the bad luck of them all having boyfriends at the time, but the experience proved to me that, yes, there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea.  In my own neighborhood, in fact.

I guarantee that this phantom you're still pining over isn't half as amazing as you think she is.  And that your obsession with her is simply stopping you from actually meeting some pretty amazing people.  But, you won't know that if you go into every situation thinking "You'll never be as good as her!"  So, get over it.  She's not going to change her mind about you these years after the fact, and there's no use wasting energy on someone who isn't in your life any longer.

[Macoleco]

So what is your opinion? None of the options satisfy me. What I want is to have a girlfriend that I genuinely like and do activities such as traveling, etc., and not just sex. If your reply will be "Just get a gf and see how it goes", then I ask you, what makes her different from the rest? Since she is the same as any other girl, just prettier or uglier.

Well, you have to start somewhere, no?

IMO, it's hard to get a person you're infatuated with to love you back. After all, your infatuation is sometimes an indicator that you have subconsciously noted they don't like you back the way you do, and such infatuation only makes one come off as desperate, further driving the loved target away. If there is mutual love/like between the two parties, there will be no need for the infatuation part. Again, MO.

I think I have always been realistic in that regard. Its not like I imagined I was going to marry her. I simply wanted to try and have a normal relationship. I think that the fact that it never happened is harder than if it would have happened.

---

Well what I mean is that I would not feel the same level of emotion by dating another girl.

How do you know?

No, really, how do you know?  Almost everyone in the history of the species thinks that their first crush/love is the best one, and everything else will pale in comparison...

...until they actually meet someone better.  And that happens far, far more often than not.  Yeah, first crushes, first loves have that novelty factor, but there's literally nothing about them that's 'special' outside of being first.  And life isn't typically a sappy Hallmark Movie.  Most people don't stay with their high school or college sweetheart.

I'll let you in on a secret: I was in a stable relationship for 2.5 years at the end of high school/beginning of college (which is pretty solid given my physical disability).  I thought she was The One™.  Then, she broke up with me.  I thought she was the best person I could've possibly been with, and then it was over.  I was devastated.

But, then, something funny happened.  I was going to college and meeting people.  And, it wasn't like I was actively on the prowl or anything, but during the course of my time there I met 3-4 women around my age that literally made me forget about my ex.  They weren't just physically attractive, but beautiful personalities.  Some I had shared interests with, some not, but nothing that was a game breaker.  Now, in my case, I had the bad luck of them all having boyfriends at the time, but the experience proved to me that, yes, there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea.  In my own neighborhood, in fact.

I guarantee that this phantom you're still pining over isn't half as amazing as you think she is.  And that your obsession with her is simply stopping you from actually meeting some pretty amazing people.  But, you won't know that if you go into every situation thinking "You'll never be as good as her!"  So, get over it.  She's not going to change her mind about you these years after the fact, and there's no use wasting energy on someone who isn't in your life any longer.

Indeed I agree she is a normal girl. In fact, many things have happened which I have avoided mentioning in this thread because I believe it is not directly related to the main topic. But she has been a very, very mean bitch to me. I comprehend a relationship with her would be impossible since having a relationship with a woman who willingly tries to hurt me would be ridiculous. But as you may know, sometimes you cannot control your instincts. Still, I am willing to try to start a relationship with another girl or just have casual sex lol.

[Whateverist]

My advice is not to focus excessively on winning some girl's approval.  It is equally important that you find out enough about them to know if they really interest you.  Both are important.  

Most of us need both to know at least one other person intimately and also to be known intimately by another.  Not everyone we like will like us back and not everyone who likes you will satisfy you.  So be gentle, if someone turns out not to be right for you, let them down easy.  And if they are the one to realize you're not for them, be grateful for finding out so you can move on in your search.  No one is a meanie for not being attracted to who you are, but some can be jerks about it.  (Don't be that guy.)

When you are getting to know someone, you can set the tone by being honest about yourself.  Often that will be appreciated and they'll take some risks too.  If you really want that relationship, just get started interacting.  Listen carefully to learn who they really are .. and try not to stare at her cleavage.