Deconversion and some doubts

[Jake]

Hey guys!

I was raised Roman Catholic, at moments I was definitely believing some of this stuff. For example, I tried to stay away from masturbation (not really succeed ), thought that sex desires are somehow sinful and sex before marriage is bad. After moving out to college I went to church handful of times and after confronting my beliefs with my atheist (at the time) roommate I started to seeing how it all could be false.

It's been around 3 years I started deconverting and I'm still not fully atheist. I feel like religion is still capturing my mind. I know that to some of you some of this stuff might sound pretty silly, but maybe some of exbelievers will be able to help me to sort it out.

Okay, so for the starters I find almost no logical reason to believe in god. Like I can see how someone can find pro-theistic arguments convincing when they start from the position that deity exist, but all of them can be easily refuted.

But I have all these feelings. Like anything that is frowned upon by Catholic church is bad, that I know that Christianity is true, that I'm trying to delude myself from truth, that afterlife exists, that atheist are wrong... it's really messing with me. Like if it's all false, why than am I still experiencing this? I'm in my early twenties, I want to have the best time of my life, party, have sex and stuff But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

Can anyone relate? Any tips? If it's also okay in later posts I will question you about some of my doubts about atheism in later posts. Thanks!

[The Grand Nudger]

Leaving a faith doesn’t mean that you’ve abandoned the conditioning.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Hey guys!

I was raised Roman Catholic, at moments I was definitely believing some of this stuff. For example, I tried to stay away from masturbation (not really succeed ), thought that sex desires are somehow sinful and sex before marriage is bad. After moving out to college I went to church handful of times and after confronting my beliefs with my atheist (at the time) roommate I started to seeing how it all could be false.

It's been around 3 years I started deconverting and I'm still not fully atheist. I feel like religion is still capturing my mind. I know that to some of you some of this stuff might sound pretty silly, but maybe some of exbelievers will be able to help me to sort it out.

Okay, so for the starters I find almost no logical reason to believe in god. Like I can see how someone can find pro-theistic arguments convincing when they start from the position that deity exist, but all of them can be easily refuted.

But I have all these feelings. Like anything that is frowned upon by Catholic church is bad, that I know that Christianity is true, that I'm trying to delude myself from truth, that afterlife exists, that atheist are wrong... it's really messing with me. Like if it's all false, why than am I still experiencing this? I'm in my early twenties, I want to have the best time of my life, party, have sex and stuff But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

Can anyone relate? Any tips? If it's also okay in later posts I will question you about some of my doubts about atheism in later posts. Thanks!

Try to bear in mind that the Church of Rome has a long, LONG history of aiding and abetting child abusers, so they really aren't the best possible guide to what is and is not moral behaviour.

Good luck on your journey.

Boru

[Abaddon_ire]

Hey guys!

I was raised Roman Catholic, at moments I was definitely believing some of this stuff. For example, I tried to stay away from masturbation (not really succeed ), thought that sex desires are somehow sinful and sex before marriage is bad. After moving out to college I went to church handful of times and after confronting my beliefs with my atheist (at the time) roommate I started to seeing how it all could be false.

It's been around 3 years I started deconverting and I'm still not fully atheist. I feel like religion is still capturing my mind. I know that to some of you some of this stuff might sound pretty silly, but maybe some of exbelievers will be able to help me to sort it out.

Okay, so for the starters I find almost no logical reason to believe in god. Like I can see how someone can find pro-theistic arguments convincing when they start from the position that deity exist, but all of them can be easily refuted.

But I have all these feelings. Like anything that is frowned upon by Catholic church is bad, that I know that Christianity is true, that I'm trying to delude myself from truth, that afterlife exists, that atheist are wrong... it's really messing with me. Like if it's all false, why than am I still experiencing this? I'm in my early twenties, I want to have the best time of my life, party, have sex and stuff But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

Can anyone relate? Any tips? If it's also okay in later posts I will question you about some of my doubts about atheism in later posts. Thanks!

I was also raised RCC. What you are feeling is common. Most deconverts experience it to some extent. The problem is that certain concepts and ideas have been impressed on your mind from your earliest years. Your very mode of thought has been formed by your earliest training when your mind was developing.

As an adult, your mind is pretty much done with that early development period and will never see it again. Never. 

This is not to say that one cannot, as an adult, undo that early training (which I consider borderline child abuse). It is simply that it is far more challenging to do it as an adult. Those carefully implanted habits of thought are not easily broken, and your own mind will sabotage your conscious efforts.

That all sounds rather pessimistic, but it isn't. Plenty have done it. I have done it. People have written books about doing it. You are starting to do it.

Take the guilt thing. This is beaten (sometimes literally) into catholics. Whenever you have that feeling of guilt (and you will) stop for a moment and ask yourself is it justified guilt? Or is it inherited guilt from your early upbringing and not at all justified? Stop and take a moment to rationally and logically consider the question. Your brain has been trained, pretty much from birth to raise feelings of guilt for loads of trivial things. It will do that on autopilot without you even noticing. Thus, whenever you have that oh so familiar feeling of guilt you should STOP and give the reasons for it some cold consideration.

Some of it gets pretty weird. I used to feel guilt at using words like "fuck". But when I was caught using the word, I got the usual "blasphemous" and "lords name in vain" crap. Being a precocious kid, I asked "Does that mean god's name is 'fuck'?" Needless to say, mayhem ensued. I'm 50 now, parents long dead,  but I still think it is a reasonable question  It got an unreasonable response. I let my own kids swear freely, but I make sure they understand context. They are pretty good at it. Why wouldn't they be? By allowing the swear, it's mystique dies and it becomes no longer a forbidden code word of childhood rebellion. And causes no guilt in them whatsoever, with the exception when they commit the faux-pas of using it in the wrong context. Then their guilt is justified. As would mine be in similar circumstance.

Besides, it is such a useful word.

[arewethereyet]

I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools from 6th grade through high school graduation. You just can't turn it off like a light switch. And some things may remain.

A couple years ago my husband stopped on Judge Scalia's funeral mass on TV. I haven't been in a Catholic church in decades. It was kinda scary how I instantly remembered everything about the mass.

Give yourself time. A lifetime of having something drilled into your brain isn't going to just stop being there.


You'll do just fine.

[Acrobat]

But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

That supposedly moral voice, is just a projection of your own, a product of social and cultural conditioning.

The other day a man dropped his wallet, and I was tempted to keep it, but that pesky voice of admonishment telling me not to do it, because it’s wrong reared his head.

But I was able to snuff it out, by reminding myself that it’s just a projection, that there’s nothing right or wrong about anything, that I am master of my own life, not that stupid voice of moral authority. It’s just an illusion, a sound effect, no more authoritative than a fart.

So I took it, bought myself some nice things with the money, and have been happy since.

Go and do the same

[The Grand Nudger]

Well, that’s definitely on-brand for Christian moral character. Way to punch yourself in the scrotum.

[arewethereyet]

Hey new guy - you are urged to ignore post #6.

[vulcanlogician]

But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

That supposedly moral voice, is just a projection of your own, a product of social and cultural conditioning.

The other day a man dropped his wallet, and I was tempted to keep it, but that pesky voice of admonishment telling me not to do it, because it’s wrong reared his head.

But I was able to snuff it out, by reminding myself that it’s just a projection, that there’s  nothing right or wrong about anything, that I am master of my own life, not that stupid voice of moral authority. It’s just an illusion, a sound effect, no more authoritative than a fart.

So I took it, bought myself some nice things with the money, and have been happy since.

Go and do the same

Well here I thought you were intellectually-oriented Christian. Turns out, you're rank and file. 

Or something else. Seriously, brah, wtf's up with this post?

[Simon Moon]

Hey guys!

I was raised Roman Catholic, at moments I was definitely believing some of this stuff. For example, I tried to stay away from masturbation (not really succeed ), thought that sex desires are somehow sinful and sex before marriage is bad. After moving out to college I went to church handful of times and after confronting my beliefs with my atheist (at the time) roommate I started to seeing how it all could be false.

It's been around 3 years I started deconverting and I'm still not fully atheist. I feel like religion is still capturing my mind. I know that to some of you some of this stuff might sound pretty silly, but maybe some of exbelievers will be able to help me to sort it out.

Okay, so for the starters I find almost no logical reason to believe in god. Like I can see how someone can find pro-theistic arguments convincing when they start from the position that deity exist, but all of them can be easily refuted.

But I have all these feelings. Like anything that is frowned upon by Catholic church is bad, that I know that Christianity is true, that I'm trying to delude myself from truth, that afterlife exists, that atheist are wrong... it's really messing with me. Like if it's all false, why than am I still experiencing this? I'm in my early twenties, I want to have the best time of my life, party, have sex and stuff But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

Can anyone relate? Any tips? If it's also okay in later posts I will question you about some of my doubts about atheism in later posts. Thanks!

As others have said, give yourself time. Just know that the feelings of doubt you are experiencing are due to a lifetime of conditioning and indoctrination.

They started their conditioning from before your mind was able to even understand most of it, and you had no critical thinking skills.

There are plenty of people, that despite being atheists for years, still have nightmares of hell.

To give yourself a bit of perspective when you are going through some period of doubt, think about how much time you spend worrying about the punishments that all the other gods you weren't indoctrinated into believing (Allah, Vishnu, Ahura Mazda, etc, etc), have in store for you, for not believing they exist.

You might want to contact Recovering From Religion. They have a hotline for people in your exact position.

Recovering From Religion