The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

A bit too macabre for my tastes.

[Fake Messiah]

I rewatched "The Man From Earth" (2007) and I was wondering if anyone else seen it? It's a real gem of a movie: whole movie is basically set in one room where one character is telling an interesting story to other characters for an hour and a half, and it was written by a guy who wrote the old Star Trek show, some B movies and even Twilight Zone.

Movie is even currently available for free on Crackle.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, a Christmas "movie" called Santa's Christmas Elf (Named Calvin). "Movie" is in quotation marks for a very simple reason that becomes obvious once you watch the damn film: it's just still photos arranged sequentially with zero attempts at conveying motion. It was made by the same guy who produced Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny and it's even worse. And without further ado:

• And this is just a problem with the upload, but it takes 30 seconds for the screen to show anything more than miscellaneous tracking shit and a black screen. And then it gets into the FBI warnin, which is windowboxed for some reason and so staticky and degraded that it's virtually unreadable. I'd be complaining if I hadn't read it a million times before. And it takes 80 seconds for the movie to start.
  
• (1:47) Santa's Christmas Elf (Named Calvin), as opposed to Santa's elves for other holidays?
  
• (2:25) So, at least we have an author for this legitimately decent-sounding score: Gene Ventresca.
  
• (3:30) Yes, this is what you get. The chiaroscuro look almost seems like an interesting aesthetic until you realise this is almost certainly because the creators couldn't even be bothered to set up a proper lighting rig.
  
• (3:50) Can Calvin be louder than the static on the VHS tape?
  
• (4:25) So, Santa's sleigh hinges on the full moon? So, what happens when Christmas Eve doesn't fall on a night with a full moon? 
  
• (7:16) So, why do we need to know about the time Santa ran out with only one boot on.
  
• (11:02) Yes, we get it: Calvin was fired!
  
• (16:27) So, they have the need to explain the most minute shit, but they can't properly convey the fact that the reindeer are flying? And because they're limited to static images, we have to hold on Calvin's O-face.
  
• (21:30) Is there any logic to when and where Santa's sleigh's going?
  
• (23:59) Wow. A Christmas tree with cheese everywhere. That can't be good.
  
• (25:40) You know, Calvin could have let Santa know he was there. Just sayin'.
  
• (28:59) So the mom from ACO gave birth to one of the Bishop brothers from Moonrise Kingdom?
  
• (31:25) "I am not afraid." "You will be."
  
• (32:51) And even Kim's judgmental about Calvin.
  
• (33:15) Mr. Bear? He doesn't have a depressed adopted daughter with severe abandonment issues named Edith, by any chance?
  
• (34:09) Why do the expressions not match what's happening?
  
• (39:50) Ice cream made of snow? That's just water.
  
• (40:35) Why does Santa need a visa? Don't they just let him do his thing?
  
• (48:33) Does she not make the connection with Santa Claus and that strange fat man with the white beard?
  
• (49:18) So, can't Santa pull out his visa that he had to personally petition the President for?
  
• (51:23) So, why doesn't Calvin come to life? 
  
• (53:45) And now, Calvin does his best imitation of drunk Denzel Washington.
  
• (60:41) So, I'm shit with RC vehicles and drones, will an RC airplane just glide when out of fuel/power?
  
• (68:30) Wait, didn't Santa already know giving bad girls and boys toys was a bad idea?
  
• (71:21) So, the movie's over, there's no credits, so why the fuck is there 3 minutes and
  
• (71:54) So, is this the Dreamachine section of the tape, where you're supposed to watch it with your eyes-
  
• (72:16) Oh, it's the blue screen. 
  

So, I think next week, I'm going to take on Chairman of the Board and The Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa.

[Gwaithmir]

It's a rather silly version of the Alexander Dumas story. Fortunately, it's free on YouTube. I really wanted to see it because Milla Jovavich and Orlando Bloom starred in it. 

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Yeah, "The RAF, the Early Days. "

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

It's a rather silly version of the Alexander Dumas story. Fortunately, it's free on YouTube. I really wanted to see it because Milla Jovavich and Orlando Bloom starred in it. 

My favourite versions are the three with Oliver Reed. Mostly because Oliver Reed roared his way through all three films being all Oliver Reed-y.

Of course, Raquel Welch in a low-cut, two-sizes-too-small frock helped. 

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Definitely my favorite overall, but the one with Gene Kelly had the best swordfight. (Yeah, most of ya'll never heard of that one.)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Definitely my favorite overall, but the one with Gene Kelly had the best swordfight. (Yeah, most of ya'll never heard of that one.)

How good a Richelieu was Vincent Price, amiright?

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Definitely my favorite overall, but the one with Gene Kelly had the best swordfight. (Yeah, most of ya'll never heard of that one.)

How good a Richelieu was Vincent Price, amiright?

Boru

Yeah, give ya that.

[Fake Messiah]

JFC, what am I watching?