The Last Movie You Watched

[Silver]

The Night (Hulu)
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt8102806/

[Gwaithmir]

[arewethereyet]

I watched a couple movie versions of Beowulf a few years back for a lit class. All I really got out of it is that, for the most part, classic literature doesn't do much for me.

[Gwaithmir]

I watched a couple movie versions of Beowulf a few years back for a lit class.  All I really got out of it is that, for the most part, classic literature doesn't do much for me.

This is an avant-garde version containing a lot of modern anachronisms, such as electrical and natural gas appliances during medieval times. Some of the warriors possess strange weapons which would be more apt for space invader films. The only reason that I have it in my collection is because it stars Christopher Lambert and Rhona Mitra.

[brewer]

A documentary about Alfred Lawson and what appears to be the last Lawsonian, Merle Hayden.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A documentary about Alfred Lawson and what appears to be the last Lawsonian, Merle Hayden.

Wasn’t that the Lawson who discovered the secret of living to 200, but managed to die at 85?

Boru

[brewer]

A documentary about Alfred Lawson and what appears to be the last Lawsonian, Merle Hayden.

Wasn’t that the Lawson who discovered the secret of living to 200, but managed to die at 85?

Boru

Yes. 6th grade education, failed airplane company, advocated depression era government funded utopia called Direct Credit. Apparently had a huge following, until he didn't. Reminds me of Scientology.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Lawson

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is the 2020 Remake of The Grudge. Full disclosure, I have seen the original Japanese version (didn't really care for it), but none of the sequels nor have I seen any of the American versions prior to this. But, from what I understand, it's about a curse created by a soul who died in a state of extreme rage, and more specifically, about the Saeki family, who became the bearers of this curse, along with their house. 

• From what I've been able to understand, the titular Grudge is based around Saeki family and their home. For the record, they barely appear in this film. I'd say this is like shooting a Halloween movie without Michael Myers, but Halloween 3 has actually built up a cult following in recent years. And somehow, I doubt this film will.
  
• So, apparently, after getting his body charred, Joseph Goebbels crashed his car into a pile of twigs somewhere in a Pennsylvania forest? Okay, so maybe it's not Joseph Goebbels, but by this point, I'm never going to see a body that charred and not think of what happened to Goebbels' corpse. Or is it just a failed mummy? 
  
• Okay, just for the record, don't be surprised if I don't do a big write-up of what happens in the film this time around. This movie isn't giving me much to work with. Not helped by the fact that 20 minutes in, it decides it wants to remake Lorenzo's Oil.
  
• Somehow, "I'm an excellent cook" doesn't have the same ring to it as "I'm an excellent driver." And because I have autism, I can make that wisecrack.
  
• In-fucking-credible. It's a third of the way through this film, and the scariest things to happen are that dead body, some jump scares, an early cameo from the Saekis who never appear after the opening, and a spontaneous nosebleed.
  
• Yes, Mama loves you, she loves you so much that she's going to fuck off to a country on the other side of the fucking world to be a carer. Something she could almost certainly have done locally.
  
• Why is Not-Dr.-Kevorkian introduced in such a strange way, like she's also on the same record as an old jazz song?
  
• What the shit kind of deli counter has a dead pig's head just sitting alongside the merchandise like that?
  
• No, Frank, stop. You're supposed to remove the thick grey socks before slobbering over my toes. Fuck it, you're a dog, you can't understand English, can you? Or at least wait until we're in a room that isn't lit like someone pissed all over the lighting rig.
  
• So, just to recap the premise for the story, because we're only going to be introduced to it halfway through and the creator's aren't good enough to give us a reason to give a shit like in, say, Gaspar Noe's Climax, 12 people in Japan have been killed at the Saeki home, and now this American decided to drop everything, including her family, and become a carer at that house long enough to pick up the Grudge. This caused her to kill her family, and, even though, as far as I can tell, none of them died in a way that would justify the famous death rattle that Kayako had in the other movies, at least three of them retained it in their onryo forms. There it is.
  
• The baby just moved. Cherish the moment, because he's going to get ALD, and in a few years, he'll be locked into his body. He'll have no mouth and he'll be dying to scream. And people wonder why antinatalism is a thing. 
  
• Also, I just did the math and the Mathesons, an interracial couple, would likely have been together since 1954. Why the fuck aren't we telling this story?
  
• So, the corpse that I snarkily claimed was the corpse of Goebbels was that of Not.-Dr.-Kevorkian all along?
  
• What the fuck even is the detective's accent? It sounds like Colin Farrell trying to do the voice of the dad from the Caleb and Sophia videos.
  

...And about 80 minutes in, I got called for Dinner, and now I'm going to wait to cover the last 13 minutes of this piece of shit. And if nothing happens of note, I'll just say so, and leave you with a list of potential films for next week.

• So, you're trying to keep your son safe, so you send him to the fucking house infected with the Grudge.
  
• Oh, honey, do you really have to go inside the house and pour gasoline over every room of the house individually?
  
• Look, if you didn't want your son to be in danger, don't bring him with you and have him wait in the car while you burn the house down. And why the fuck do you burn the house down while your kid's in it?
  
• Well, that static shot of the family home over the closing credits almost totally defused any tension that seeing our heroine's throat slit might have caused. It's like they were trying to ape a Michael Haneke style, only to fuck it up. And then they had some proper closing credits done to what sounds like the song from the catacombs in John Wick Chapter Two with screaming from the movie remixed into it. And, yes, an entire verse is done as sampled screams.
  

Honestly, this feels like it's making a conscious effort at aping style beats from other films and still consistently fucks it up. It tries to juggle several non-linear timelines, and, because it fails to convey much of anything to the audience until it's too late, it sucks. Imagine if Pulp Fiction was written by someone with no talent, and, instead of placing the sequences into a set of reasonably self-contained chapters (something the original Ju-On also did, in fact), they just cut between the plots randomly and remove anything that would make these LA lowlives seem interesting. That's this fucking movie.

And, now that the Project is moving to Tubi, here's the choices for comedy (for next week):

• Amazing Bulk, wherein someone took a shitton of stock footage and somehow made it into a mockbuster of the Incredible Hulk.
  
• Best Night Ever, wherein Seltzerberg makes their first original movie, and by original movie, I mean they basically remade Project X.
  
• Birdemic 2: The Resurrection, wherein James Nguyen pisses away what little goodwill the original gave him.
  
• Game Therapy, wherein two Italian YouTubers decided to make a movie so bad that it only got enough demand for a DVD release because people wanted a third Italian YouTuber to review it.
  
• InAPPropriate Comedy, wherein the Sham-wow guy makes a worse Movie 43.
  
• Joe Piscopo: A Night at Club Piscopo, wherein a former SNL player who only really worked as part of an ensemble or duo mines from his solo Atlantic City show, and even can't get the audience to react.
  
• Surf School, wherein someone manages to make an American Pie/Road Trip-style film boring as fuck.
  

[Rev. Rye]

Well, I've decided I'm going to see if I can keep going through my genre cycles and still keep up something of a horror theme. So, this week in the Deep Hurting Project will be the a sequel to the homage that tried and failed to remake one of Hitchcock's last films, Birdemic II: The Resurrection. The original film was meant to be a homage to The Birds that failed because James Nguyen is an inept filmmaker. With the sequel, he decides "I meant to do that" and kept being

• Yes, that is Hollywood and Vine. But where's the shot of the street signs at Pico and Sepulveda?
  
  
  
• And that long walking scene looks really nondescript and meaningless. COuld have done with some "Unfinished Sympathy," but, then again, Massive Attack is probably outside of Jimmy-boy's budget.
  
• You know, while I do tend to stan long tracking shots and the directors who love them, maybe some more intercutting of these LA landmarks he's walking past could have improved this scene. 
  
• Is this going to just rehash the original movie?
  
• You're an actress, why haven't I heard about you? You know, the fact that LA is infested with people desperate to break into the movie business, I'm watching this with a body pillow of an actress who actually starred in a couple famous movies you've heard of, and hardly anyone knows who she is. 
  
• No movies about Hollywood from an indie perspective? Does Living in Oblivion not exist in this universe?
  
• Also, as much as I love directors to have creative control over their work, sometimes (especially when the director is an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing) it fucks a movie up. You know, like this movie and the previous one.
  
• Most Hollywood movies cost $100 million? I get the feeling that's a bit exaggerated.
  
• Raining red in Half Moon Bay? You know, besides the fact that there's parts of India where it rains red sometimes, I'm torn between wanting to play Slayer's "Raining Blood" and Peter Gabriel's "Red Rain". And the fact that there's a three-video-per-post limit makes it even more frustrating.
  
• Why does most of the phone call between the director and his future leading lady consist of shit we already know? Is that just more shit to pad it out to 79 minutes?
  
• Good fucking God, you could cut out half this dialogue and lose zero information!!!
  
• Somehow the fake swimming and obviously CGI jellyfish look like a step down from the original. And they looked like this:
  
  
  
• And, somehow, between shots, someone drew on her left leg and arm with a magenta marker. Because there's no way in Hell that's supposed to replicate the effects of an encounter with a jellyfish.
  
• Giant Jumbo Jellyfish? Are they seriously that wedded to that phrase?
  
• And we're going to go to La Brea like nothing even happened. Also, is it weird that I find myself wondering how the La Brea museum's collection compares to the Field Museum? 
  
• The Teratorn did not attack cavemen. The fact that they seemed to go extinct just before the Clovis people came to North America on the Siberian land bridge aside, while they did actually hunt some live prey, their limit seems to have been about the size of a small rabbit.
  
• Also, did they say that Susan from the first movie died because of food poisoning from food she didn't actually eat? I'd go into a Richie Cusack clip, but we know exactly why this happened: the actor was forced to ad-lib a line explaining why she wasn't in the movie.
  
• So how does this Rebel Without a Cause curse theory square with Jim Backus and Dennis Hopper living well into their seventies?
  
• Why is the entire soundtrack comprised of lawyer-friendly versions of better songs with lyrics about breaking into Hollywood?
  
• Also, I just found out that the guys from Million Dollar Extreme made it into the movie as beachgoers. I guess we'll have to wait to see which beachgoers decide to start talking in Nazi dogwhistles if we want to find them.
  
• You know, of all the strange things in the original to reference, I'm surprised the state of the leading lady's feet's cleanliness wasn't one of them. You'd think that this would be one of the easier pecadilloes of the original film to lampshade and justify. "Your feet are filthy." "I go barefoot all the time."
  
• Why does it look like the skeletons in the museum are screeching? Are they implying that the dead bird skeletons are comign to life?
  
• She's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
  
• Why aren't the birds exploding? And why do the giant vultures look like they're blue jay-sized at best?
  
• Dead birds falling from the sky is not the same as zombie birds attacking people.
  
• Hey, idiots, you think you can leave this talk about your zombie bird movie for when you're not in the midst of a zombie bird attack?
  
• Nope, he's not dead. Jigglypuff just put on an impromptu concert and it turns out he got a different coloured marker than in the anime.
  
• Non-polluting? You'd think they'd be aware that there'd probably be some CO2 emissions from the camera crew of their reality show. Or that Apple's iPad has quite the environmental impact of its own.
  
• No toilet pape- Crap, these guys are based on Colin Beavan's family, aren't they?
  
• Is it weird that this may actually be one of the few zombie movies I've seen where they actually show the dead rising from their graves? 
  
• They're going to help the zombies? Dis Gon Be Good.
  
• So, there's been a zombie outbreak that involves birds and humans attacking humans because global warming. What dost thou deau? Go to the fucking zoo, of course.
  
• You know, claiming that all civilization will be underwater with a two-degree warming does not help when denialists pounce at any opportunity of a failed prediction to shit on the entire fucking concept.
  
• And there's fucking cavemen all of a sudden? The same two cavemen who appeared in the cutaway getting attacked by the birds when they were trying to bone? Why is there no logic to how this is supposed to work?
  
• And the leading man is dead and the movie's over. It doesn't so much end as stop as a static shot of birds flying past the Hollywood sign goes on for much longer than it has to. Including two minutes before the credits actually started. 
  

So, since next week is supposed to be a drama, I figure that The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson is going to be a good excuse for a shitty horror-drama film, especially since the same director turned the last days of Sharon Tate into a ripoff of The Strangers.

[Gwaithmir]