The Last Movie You Watched

[Angrboda]

Dune.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Dune: Part Two/Release date
November 3, 2023

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is one I'm legit shocked took this long: From Justin to Kelly. For whatever reason, after the first season of American Idol, the makers decided the next big step for the winner and runner-up was to make them star in a movie together. It was so shit that they never released the soundtrack, and made the then-uprecedented step of releasing it to DVD 4 weeks after its theatrical release. And it just became yet another piece of evidence for my "modern music is all shit" mindset at that age. It's been close to 20 years since its release, I never actually watched it. I was once tempted to buy it when I saw a copy at an antique mall in Carlsville, Wisconsin, but the disc had a hairline crack and I didn't want to risk popping it in my Portable Picnic Player, watching it, unpopping it, and popping it back into its case, making it even worse.  By the time the Deep Hurting Project started, my local library had cleared its copies out, someone else bought that copy in Carlsville, and once the Deep Hurting Project pivoted to streaming, it took until this month for it to arrive on any service, specifically Amazon Prime.

• Is that the same font the Internet Investigator channel uses?
  
• Kelly Clarkson seems really fucking tired. I wonder if this is foreshadowing about how she didn't want to do this movie.
  
• Not going to lie, they seem to have gone the extra mile making the credits match what's on the screen. They even had the border text on one credit switch from red to purple to match the signage of the stores they were running parallel with.
  
• Is 7 minutes into an 81-minute film too late to establish this as a musical? Because it feels like it.
  
• Why do they have a fully equipped gym and skateboard ramp at the beach? Hell, even when I watched Rocket Power, Ocean Shores strictly separated the skate park from the beach.
  
• I think that website on the skateboard ramp Everyth*****nter.com. I feel sorry for them; they evidently paid for some product placement, but got a fraction of a second of screen time; just enough to register that something's there, but not enough to figure out what site we're supposed to be looking at. And even during that split second, someone covered a good portion of the name.
  
• I'll stick with real random white boy rappers in shitty movies, like the ones in Teen Witch, thank you very much.
  
  
  
• Why the fuck is he surprised that the beach cop didn't give her number.
  
• Okay, so here's my breakdown of the musical numbers 15 minutes in: one's a live performance on a bar stage, the next is obvious soundtrack music (an anemic cover of the Go-Gos' "Vacation"), a full-on improvised crowd song, a random rap number, and now there's a duet that just happens to be in the middle of a crowd and is half-sung half-voice-over.
  
• They're going all Woodstock 99 over bracelets that look like a high-visibility yellow version of the ID bracelets you get at hospitals.
  
• What the fuck is "Kelly" supposed to be short for?
  
• Every girl's bathroom has a secret escape door? I'm torn between the fact that that's clearly a window (and I don't know of that many public restrooms with windows that open like that) or making a Saki Sanobashi reference.
  
• How do you like that? Her favourite outfit is an orange bikini top and sarong.
  
• Well, that's a red flag: a guy who seems to have your number texts you and says he won't stop pursuing you.
  
• During a lull in the action (at least a non-interesting musical number), I figure I may as well give you this factoid: shortly after winning American Idol, Kelly Clarkson let out that she didn't wear underwear. This movie might have been worth a watch if they showed some... visual proof of this. Naturally, they don't (it's fucking PG). Indeed, she seems to dress more modestly than either of her two friends. And now that I'm older, I have to admit, given the whipped cream bikini scene, it's at least nice that they didn't do so then.
  
• Ah, yes, Justin and Kelly go on a first date. One where they barely look at each other and seem to be wearing matching tracksuits. The funny thing is they actually were dating IRL while filming this horseshit and ZERO of this real-life chemistry appears on film. Seriously, Cliff Booth and his wife seemed to have more interest in each other in their boat scene
  
  
  

  ---

  and Cliff actually fucking harpooned her just after Tarantino turned the camera off.

  ---

  Seriously, jump to this post and see what I mean.
• Nice to randomly walk into your Spring Break Boyfriend's job and demand he be given a raise. There's no way this could possibly go wrong.
  
• Wow, that went from "I'm gonna kill the guy who wants to fuck my GF" to "wanna get drinks" in record time.
  
• My idea of having a good time is being with Kelly. Something totally normal for a man to say about a girl he met a few days ago.
  
• Is there a reason Kelly decided to sew some ribbons onto her denim shorts to turn them into... does the phrase "skorts" apply when the pants part is short, but the ersatz skirt is just above ankle length?
  
• Why the fuck is Kelly's Texas ex-boyfriend in the movie again?
  
• Okay, so they just decided to compete for Kelly's hand by.. tossing each other balls while they're piloting hovercrafts they just randomly had access to.
  
• How do you like that? Kelly's best friend is just manipulating events just to get Justin for himself.
  
• You know, the argument about how all these relationships are just Spring Break Flings has a point. These people live half a country away from each other, so how do you expect it to work long-term?
  
• So, a guy is offering his girlfriend an 8-course dinner at a 5-star restaurant, even though, thanks to her, he's making minimum wage ($5.15/hour plus tips) at a greasy spoon joint where he's filling urinals with ice. Option A: Point out how fucking stupid this is, both for financial and ethical reasons.  Option B: Act like this is actually how Tyler got Erin to go to Hawthorn in The Menu. 
  
• If I could find the scene where Justin and Kelly are arguing and initiating the Third Act Breakup, I would post it and suggest a drinking game for someone you really hate: every time they just say a stock phrase in this argument, take a shot. I disclaim any responsibility for any cases of alcohol poisoning.
  
• And now everyone gets a girlfriend. The one dude gets with the cop who kept writing him up, Justin gets with Kelly, and that nerdy guy got with a girl who he just randomly ran into without knowing they were talking online. Seriously, Napoleon Dynamite handled this so much better.
  
  
  
• Somehow, I doubt that "That's the Way (I Like It)" the sort of song that works with the lyrics just whispered.
  

Next week, I'm thinking American Ninja V.

[Silver]

The Hater

A young man searches for purpose in a net of hatred and violence that he tries to control.

[Silver]

Look Both Ways

On the eve of her college graduation, Natalie's life diverges into parallel realities: one in which she becomes pregnant and remains in her hometown to raise her child and another in which she moves to LA to pursue her dream career.

[Silver]

Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

When aspiring musicians Lars and Sigrit are given the opportunity to represent their country at the world's biggest song competition, they finally have a chance to prove that any dream worth having is a dream worth fighting for.

[Silver]

Finding 'Ohana

A summer in rural O‘ahu takes an exciting turn for two Brooklyn-raised siblings when a journal pointing to long-lost treasure sets them on an epic adventure with new friends, and leads them to reconnect with their Hawaiian heritage.

[Gwaithmir]

[Angrboda]

I've heard that movie is epic. And that's about all I know. It's one of a number of movies that I intend to watch "some day."

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I watched some of it.