No more Mr Nice Stimbo?

[Cyberman]

I'd like to see how you act when drunk. It should be most entertaining.

I don't drink. If drinking makes you act like a schoolgirl, you shouldn't either.

It doesn't, generally. On this occasion it had the effect of making two friends, who enjoy one another's company at the best of times, happy.

Very well. Fuck off, troll.

Nicely done!

I aim to please, especially the easily-pleased.

Interesting that you advise being selective about revealing different aspects. People can and do only respond to what I decide to share here, which represents the merest hint of my world and my relationship to it. I suspect that a comparison between that and what you decide to share might go some way to explaining the relative disparity between our respective reputation levels.

Here's more of the problem. You derive your self-worth from what others think of you. Men don't.

Except for the tiny detail that I don't. You took one observation about a specific point and inflated it into a general assessment of a person's whole character. How very Christian of you!

As an example of your reading comprehension, this and one yet to follow can't be bettered.

For the record, if not exactly for your edification, I am indeed "doing something about it". Whether it will bear fruit remains to be seen. Almost all of the responses to this thread have so far been quite helpful to me in that regard.

What are you doing?

At the moment, replying to you. In the context of my personal situation, I haven't even decided to mention it to my friends yet, let alone you.

I can hardly be blamed, I would have thought, for the bottomless depressive pit into which I was cast. I certainly didn't choose any of this; indeed, if I had such power as to make my choices affect reality, do you not think this wouldn't even be the last thing I would pick?

Consider [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control]locus of control

. Can you be blamed for having an external locus of control? I dunno. Blame isn't the issue - progress is.[/quote]

I'm not looking to apportion blame. If I had some tangible target on which to focus any blame, that might be one thing. As it is I have no such focus, thus nothing to rage against, even if I were to do so.

I agree that everybody has at least the desire to improve themselves, even though they may not have the means, or perhaps they do and are not aware of it. Here's a deal for you: you show me how it's done - improve yourself into a worthwhile member of our happy little band. Then I'll stop crying like a baby. Though in order to do that I'll have to start first.

Happy little band? Seems every third thread in off topic is about how messed up you guys are.

And this is the other example of which I spoke earlier. Apart from the detail that I typed a couple more than three words, try looking up the word "irony".

Also, I suggest you replace the words "you guys" with "humans". Unless you're suggesting you are a breed apart?

---

Nothing wrong with temporary relationships or being friends with benefits, so long as all parties understand that's how things are with no guarantees for the future.

My feelings exactly. Glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this.

[John V]

Also, I suggest you replace the words "you guys" with "humans". Unless you're suggesting you are a breed apart?

I'm suggesting there's a higher percentage of mental illness among the posters here than in the general population. Maybe I'm wrong.

BTW, aside from wording I'm not sure what you're arguing with. You started out by tentatively advocating a switch from mister nice guy to the bad boy. My position is basically that you should move somewhat toward the bad boy in the beginning of the potential relationship in order to avoid being pigeon-holed as the platonic friend, and then to let out mister nice guy over time. Is that so unreasonable?

[Cyberman]

Well, as I said, all opinions are welcome. You shared yours and I thank you for it. As for whether I take it onboard, consider it added to the pile. Remember, I'm a Government employee by training - I know filing.

As far as the mental illness observation goes, my own circumstances - which are the only ones I'm qualified to judge - have nothing at all to do with my atheism, if that's what you're implying. It's more like my beliefs or lack thereof coalesced as I developed from my formative years, which was the proverbial happy childhood, and have continued being added to as I progressed in life. Then I was gravely injured. The two states have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. I suspect that the apparent high instance of mental issues discussed hereabouts is more along the lines of a group of friends feeling comfortable enough to open up to each other. Considering that the term "mental illness" is used as an umbrella label, often pejorative, for a vast range of conditions, you'd like as not find equivalent proportions of such matters discussed in any similar group of close friends.

[Tiberius]

I'm a nice guy and I got Shell B, btw.

[Tea Earl Grey Hot]

Try parting your hair on the other side. NPR said it works today.

[Cyberman]

I'm a nice guy and I got Shell B, btw.

Some day we might even forgive you.

Try parting your hair on the other side. NPR said it works today.

Funny thing is, I do part it on the other side in the mirror. But afterwards it's changed sides on me. Actually, that's a lie. I have the sort of hair that doesn't need combing. That is, it's such a wild and woolly tangle that combing it makes no difference.

[DeistPaladin]

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread yet and apologies in advance if I repeat what another has said.

It's important for the single man to remember that women, at least the ones looking for a male partner, are wired to seek one that will be a strong protector-provider. Even though we are living in a more civilized time when saber-tooth tigers aren't lurking around the corner, we're still biologically wired for the same modes of survival. Sad to say for nice-guys is that overly needy or accommodating behavior may be a signal that you're not what they're looking for. The thinking, subconscious as it may be, is that if you let her push you around, you may not stand up to more serious threats.

The good news for nice guys is it's not necessary for you to completely reinvent yourself as a jerk to get female companionship. The key is walking a more fine line, mixing a bit of assertiveness with your good nature. You may also try to occasionally prick a sensitive spot with her to show you're not willing to tip toe around her feelings too much. Don't attack her personally but something she may value. For example, I remember on one date a woman I was with was talking about male actors she admired and I retorted mockingly how they each couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. Next thing I knew, she was on top of me, pinning me down and playing tonsil hockey.

Assertive, not aggressive, wins the race from my personal experience.

Each woman is different, of course, so your millage may vary. I've observed there are some women who just have lousy taste in men. Whether it is because of self-esteem issues or because they confuse jerky behavior with strength, I don't know. My advice is not to find out but just keep walking, turning a blind eye and deaf ear to them. That may sound cruel but you can't help them or rescue them. They have to someday do it for themselves.

You may want to work on yourself as well. If you need a relationship too badly, ironically enough you may not be ready for one. Going in with what you have to offer rather than what you need is a sign your ready for a relationship. Get to a point where you're fine by yourself and you'll be in a better condition to resume your hunt and more likely to succeed.

Hope that helps.

[Cyberman]

That helps more than you probably realise, DP. Some of it actually meshes with what I've been advised from other sources, while much of your advice has given me a fresh perspective. The part about working on a sensitive spot, for instance. In the case of the person I've spoken about, the spot would be (wait for it) astrology; she already knows my views on that, so it would be neither out of character nor too unwise for me to engage her on it.

I see your point about assertiveness as opposed to aggression. The former I can handle, depression willing; the latter is alien to my nature for any appreciable length of time, if I'm truly honest. In fact I've noticed a more positive (from my perspective) response when I take the driving seat, not only with the lady in question but with my sweet princess as well. All I lack, now, is the confidence to put this into practise. As I mentioned earlier, I am taking steps to do something about the situation; a lot of what you - and others - have said corresponds with that. So a heartfelt thank you to all concerned, and watch this space.

[Angrboda]

Meh. If there's one truth we all share, it's that we all wish we were somebody else, at least some of the time. (Except me, I'm speshul.)

I'm sure if our fairy godmothers granted each of us the wish to be that somebody else for a while, we'd find the problems they have to be as equally vexing and pernicious as the ones we have now. Nobody's got a lock on what it takes to be successful in life. And how boring it would be if they did. For every person that doesn't like you for who you are, there is another person who wouldn't like you if you were somebody else.

(I'm reminded of a psychological experiment from a documentary I just watched. They asked people whether they would prefer a $100 a year from now, or $102 a year and one day from now. Given the trivial difference, most opted for the $102 by waiting the extra day. However, if people are asked if they would prefer $100 today, or $102 tomorrow, people inevitably opt for the smaller amount, even though the time difference is the same. The psychologists called this "present bias" [though I believe other biases figure in]. The fact is, psychologically, we're geared to be myopic, to focus excessively on what's in front of us right now, and the features we can easily see and pick out. I think, if not acknowledged, this can lead to some rather short-sighted appraisals of what we need and what our goals should be. [Perhaps I'm a bit too obvious in my not wanting you to be somebody else....])

For what it's worth, and this may have simply been my bias, it seemed to me that for a while after you were named moderator, you became more aggressive and tenacious; I might even say, "bullying." Perhaps it was all in my head, but what was also in my head was that I lamented the passing of the Stimbo I knew and loved and wanted him back.

Anyway, now for the obligatory sprinkling of random quotes to add confusion while appearing to create clarity.

"The grass is always greener on the other side." (Walk around a while and you'll see that this is true. Plus, it will tire you out.)

"Change is the only constant." ~ Heraclitus

I don't have a ready quote, but paraphrasing Sam Harris, one might look upon the goal of consciousness as always being to produce an 'altered state' that is different from the current one we now have; our goals are all about changing what it feels like to be us right now, from eating when hungry, to smoking weed or drinking alcohol, to pursuing education and a career, and of course, to deciding what we need to do to get some nookie.

Oh, and I'm told that conventional wisdom has it that each new love is different. What I think this suggests is not to worry about making comparisons, as you won't recognize any of the landmarks anyway and you're likely to always feel like you've been cast in an episode of "the Prisoner."

And finally: "Good advice is often a doubtful remedy, but generally not dangerous because it has so little effect......" ~ Carl Jung

Best wishes.

[Rayaan]

Get to a point where you're fine by yourself and you'll be in a better condition to resume your hunt and more likely to succeed.

That's a good point. That was one of my initial thoughts as well.

So Stimbo, I think it would be helpful for you to take a break from your search - and while you are in that phase - you should reflect on what you think about your own self, who you really are, and what are the things in your life which you already have that make you happy/satisfied.

Also, if you are essentially feeling a desire to be loved and if that is the thing that is driving you to search for a female companionship, then here are two quotes that come to my mind:

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

- Rumi

"Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it."

- D.H. Lawrence