FInally stopped lying to myself, now a little lost.

[hookakat1]

Just looking for a place to kind of hash out all my feelings about coming to the conclusion that all I've been telling myself about god, spirituality, connection, etc were just lies to make myself feel better about the world around me. Now I'm feeling a bit lost and empty.
About a year and a half ago I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for a few minutes before I was revived and was then placed in a medically induced coma for a week. I now have a pacemaker-defibrillator in my chest to help with all that.
As I was recovering from that I became really connected to god. I had been making what I thought was that connection even before then as my wife and I were battling some other first world problems so surviving the heart incident and all made me really grateful. This lead me to think more about the concept of god and why that concept is so relevant and it felt very much like Dorothy pulling the curtain on The Wizard. Nothing magical or special back there. Nothing to see there at all really.
I'm not fooling myself anymore but I do feel like I've lost a family member or loved one. I feel like a safety net I had always counted on being there was never there in the first place.
And that's me and where I am right now. Eyes open to the truth but living in a world that seems less magical to me. It's a bummer.

[pineapplebunnybounce]

hi, welcome

That's how a lot of ppl seem to feel right after they stop believing. But it gets better. When you stop attaching god to everything that happens in your life, you'll find it very liberating.

[Minimalist]

Now I'm feeling a bit lost and empty.

Reality has not changed because you are now aware of it. What you lost was a fantasy. We have a lot of people around here who still fool themselves into thinking they have a special friend. They don't.

Let it go and be happy that you are no longer one of them.

[Faith No More]

That safety net is gone, but on the plus side, life without the safety net is so much better.

[hookakat1]

I'm happy about no longer believing things just because they make me feel better. This empty feeling just gets to me a bit. I have a hard time feeling as though anything means anything.
Keep in mind this is all new to me. I'm still getting used to there not being anyone to say thank you to if I narrowly avoid a car wreck or something along those lines other than myself and the reflexes of the other driver. No benevolent hand in the sky making my car skid ever so slightly to avoid true disaster. Just physics and reflexes.

[Faith No More]

Well, I empathize with you, but I'm not really the best to give advice at this seeing as I never had a deconversion. I did read Dan Barker's book, and I found it quite insightful into that kind of thing. Perhaps reading about how others went through the same process would help?

[hookakat1]

I will check it out. Thanks.

[rexbeccarox]

Welcome! The emptiness will eventually be filled by something else. It'll just take a little time

[Minimalist]

No benevolent hand in the sky making my car skid ever so slightly to avoid true disaster. Just physics and reflexes.

What about when the cars collide? Is the "benevolent hand" fucking with you? We actually have xtians around here who'd say that when they miss it is god and when they hit it is the "devil." Talk about giving your boy a free pass.

[hookakat1]

The "what if the cars hit" line of that is one of the things that has brought me to where I am now.