The Last Movie You Watched

[Tonus]

I watched The Croods a week or so ago. A really fun movie with some hilarious slapstick moments. They kind of chicken out at the end, story-wise, but it is a family film and the way they handle it was pretty clever. Highly recommended.

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

Case 39 - I don't really like Renee Zellweger, but this was an okay movie. I think it's about a child which was born with a demon soul? Is that actually a thing? It wasn't explained very well.

Odd Thomas - I remembered my mom saying the book was good, so when I realized it had been made into a movie I had to check it out. It was pretty good. It reminded me a lot of Dead Like Me. The only thing is, the ending is pretty tragic.

Thir13en Ghosts - What happens when you enslave 11 malicious ghosts and 1 nice one and then let them loose? Nothing good, stupid. Plus, the newspaper in the movie referred to the main evil villain dude as an "adventurer" as though that is a thing in these times. Also, WTF "black zodiac"? That is some obviously made up bullshit. Everyone in the movie is stupid and the movie assumes everyone who will ever watch this movie is stupid, so fuck that.

The Stepfather (2009) - This is a remake of a movie made in the 80s. I didn't feel like watching the original first, because I actually recognized one of the actors in this remake. First of all, this movie reminded me a lot of the Buffy episode, "Ted". It was okay. I think they could have built up more tension and made "the stepfather" creepier. By the way, I am offended that the media always portrays stepparents as evil. My stepfather (now my adoptive father) is more like a father than my biological one ever was.

Body Parts - This movie is about a psychiatrist that is in an accident and has his arm replaced with a serial killer's arm. Then a whole bunch of other people get parts of the serial killer. Bad shit happens. We find out the doctor who performed the operation is a crazy fucker. This movie missed the mark for me, because I think the serial killer's body parts could have done more evil shit. They just didn't capitalize on the basic horror that was central to the plot.

[Minimalist]

APOCALYPSE POMPEII

Utterly dreadful. All it needed was a guy and two robots in the corner cracking jokes about it.

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

The Task - Some reality show contestants have to stay in an abandoned prison overnight in order to win $20,000 each. The catch? They have to do some really stupid awful tasks along the way. Also, 20 homeless people have died over the years in that prison, but for some reason, the network approved this show anyway. The rest of what happens is spoilery, so here, hide tags:

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When things don't go the way the producer of the reality show planned, she gets worried. Because, you know, everyone is dead. But then psych! It was the network playing a joke on her. But then twist #2 happens, and you won't believe this, but there's actually a killer ghost in the building that has really killed people, and everyone gets trapped in the stupid prison and dies. THE END.

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Area 407 - You know what's cooler than a plane crash? Motherfucking dinosaurs. And these aren't just any dinosaurs, these are predators that don't just kill in order to feed, but kill everything just because. So you survived the plane crash and the dinosaurs? Well that's great, but

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the government can't let you leave the area alive. So they will shoot you to death. Sucks to be you.

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Apparently a sequel was planned which upped the cool factor by adding zombies to the mix, but for some reason it didn't come out last year when it was supposed to. That sucks because I would totally watch it.

Absentia - What is this movie about? Some kind of evil monster thing that lives in a tunnel, I think. I think it's supposed to be a troll. It kidnaps people and eventually kills them. And maybe eats dogs and cats. I don't know, things weren't explained very well.

Hidden - Did you know that addiction can be cured by injecting a certain kind of insect venom into the brain that turns the skull into basically a womb and results in the addiction being manifest as a physical Lovecraftian creature that can be surgically removed and killed? Or alternatively, the host can give birth to a Lovecraftian addiction baby creature thing? According to this movie, that's totally true. Also, the Lovecraftian addiction baby creature things turn into insects when they die. That makes total sense, right? You can watch this movie on Hulu, but you would probably prefer to do basically anything else in the world.

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

Skinwalker Ranch - So, you know those old myths of skinwalkers? They're shapeshifters that are assumed to be super evil because they can only turn into humans they have killed. True Blood has a portrayal of them that is pretty loyal to the myths.

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Well, for Skinwalker Ranch, they decided that skinwalkers are actually aliens.

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Yeah, that makes total sense. [/sarcasm]

4Closed - Jamie Kennedy plays a man who is evicted when his mother dies and is really butthurt about it. In fact, he is so butthurt that he tries to kill the people who move in, but first he tries to ruin their lives. I think with his hair, wardrobe, and weird voice, they were going for creepy, but they got stoner instead, and thus this movie just isn't as effective as it could be.

Carrie (2013) - Good casting, but why remake a movie if you're going to make it pretty much the same friggin' movie as the original? Okay, they changed a few things at the end, I guess the unnecessary gas station explosion makes it slightly better than the original, but it still really doesn't justify making a whole 'nother movie. Remaking a movie is like doing a cover song - make it your own and make it better or don't fucking bother.

Ender's Game - It's a decent movie, but it certainly isn't in the same league as the book. They stripped away all of the strife that Ender goes through, and all of the complexity of the book, and they added in a romance which is super awkward because Ender is just a KID and he has much more important things to worry about.

Dollman - This movie is about a cop who comes from the planet of Arturos (perhaps named after Arturo Maximillan in Sliders?) and has a really badass gun that blows shit to smithereens. For some reason, he ends up on Earth, and it turns out he is way smaller than humans. He's allegedly 13 inches. Tall. I'm not talking about his dick, shut up! This reminds me of a couple of episodes of the Twilight Zone. Anyway, he makes friends and does a bunch of heroic shit. It's low budget and definitely a B-movie, but I actually liked it.

Unaware - Um, yeah. This is a really sucky sci-fi found footage movie about aliens and shit, and it takes forever to see an actual alien. It's bloody stupid.

51 - Well, it's a Syfy original movie, so that tells you what you can expect. The basic premise is that reporters are allowed into Area 51 and shit goes south. They missed the opportunity to make this into a found footage movie so it would seem edgy and cool. This movie isn't very good, but what makes me actively angry is that they clearly ripped off Alien as much as they legally could. There is a baby Alien and a mama Alien and both will stab you through the chest with their tails. Sound familiar? The main differences are that these Aliens have vagina faces, and they do not bleed acid, have two mouths, or produce chestbursters.

Contracted - So, it turns out, if a guy fucks a corpse and then date rapes a lesbian without a condom, said lesbian will contract a zombie virus. But she will have no idea what is happening to her, no matter how obvious her symptoms become. During the process, she will develop a taste for human flesh, and will kill and eat people while fully aware of what she is doing. Also, maggots will fall out of her vagina. I really don't know how they got there, because there are no scenarios in which maggots magically spawn within one's vagina, but whatever. Maybe the corpse fucker had maggots on his dick and they crawled into her vagina and made it home? I dunno. Weird.

At the end of the movie, she finally dies for good in a car crash and comes back as a full-fledged, stupid shambling zombie. Apparently the random guy that talks to her first is also not very observant, because the first thing he says to her is, "Miss, you were in a car accident, stay where you are," when she clearly looks dead and incapable of rational thought. To add to the absurdity of the scene, she runs towards her mom and is clearly going to attack her, and the cops with their weapons drawn do NOTHING.

Control (2004) - This movie is available on Hulu, and actually has a great cast and good writing. A prisoner on death row is given a chance to participate in a drug testing study instead of being killed outright. He's like, "Shit, okay." The drug is supposed to reduce violent tendencies and induce a feeling of calm and also remorse. (In reality, I don't think chemistry can do something that specific. But whatever.) At first, nothing happens, but by week 5, the former convict appears to be changed. They let him out in the world, still surveilling him closely. He gets a job from a hot chick (Michelle Rodriguez), and they develop a romance.

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Then shit goes south and the company thinks the convict has had a relapse and they shoot him dead. It turns out he was a control in the study, and he never took the real drug.

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After Effect - A bunch of people volunteer to be a part of a medical study, and they are exposed to gas that turns them all into zombies and they die. These zombies don't appear to have a particular craving for flesh, they are just really aggressive. They are also intelligent and even capable of speech (beyond, "BRAAAAAAAAINS").

Daddy's Little Girl - I watched about halfway through before I decided, "Fuck it." It's a common problem in the rape revenge genre that they will have someone close to the victim take revenge instead of the actual victim. This just isn't as effective.

Haunter - This movie doesn't become what the synopsis on IMDB said it would be until you're already 60 minutes into the movie. Honestly, it doesn't really make sense and it just isn't very good. But hey, did you know Abigail Breslin is all growed up?

[shep]

300

7/10

[Marsellus Wallace]

[Kayenneh]

Ender's Game. On the whole, I was pleasantly surprised. The major issue I had with the movie however, was how short they cut all my favorite scenes and how blatantly obvious they made certain things, that weren't at all pointed out in the book, but rather that the reader had to figure it out for herself. Asa Butterfield was an amazing Ender, just the way I had imagined him (albeit a little bit older). The casting was good on the whole, I think. The music was reaaaally epic, but I kind of liked it. But yeah, all in all it was a good movie, and I can't wait for the next one in the series

[Marsellus Wallace]

Ender's Game. On the whole, I was pleasantly surprised. The major issue I had with the movie however, was how short they cut all my favorite scenes and how blatantly obvious they made certain things, that weren't at all pointed out in the book, but rather that the reader had to figure it out for herself. Asa Butterfield was an amazing Ender, just the way I had imagined him (albeit a little bit older). The casting was good on the whole, I think. The music was reaaaally epic, but I kind of liked it. But yeah, all in all it was a good movie, and I can't wait for the next one in the series

NOPE , I hated the freaggin' movie , simply cuz the whole thing was about a little kid , I don't care if he is good or not , I wanna see a movie not a story that is all about a kid .

[BrokenQuill92]

Mom made me watch Madia's family reunion
It was so awful 2/10 (I laughed once)