The Bible: not a page turner!

[Fromper]

And it's rated R for excessive violence and sexuality.

[KUSA]

Maybe we could persuade Quentin Tarantino to do a re-write.

He could make that bastard ROCK!

Boru

When you drove your chariot in my yard did you see a sign that said "Dead Hebrew storage"?

[Wyrd of Gawd]

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I'd like to begin by saying that this post is not a discussion about the veracity of the bible or its moral, ethical or religious significance.

What I'm talking about is how boring I feel it is to read. I've twice made the mistake of starting from the beginning, but both those times I gave up before I had read even a third of it.
I've tried to read different parts that I thought would interest me, treating the Bible like a collection of different books (which it is, apparently). This didn't work either.
I feel the bible has a lot of flaws from a litterary point of view:

-Often clunky prose and unaesthetic language.
-Boring listings like, 'x begat y, then y begat z, and so on ad nauseum, that seem utterly insignificant to me as a modern person.
-Same as above, but instead dealing with what land belongs to whom.
-Characters appearing out of nowhere, or disappearing inexplicably.
-Similes and metaphors that I believe lack meaning to many modern readers.
-Too much repetition.
-Disjointedness. Who the hell edited this crap?

I could go on and on about this, but its pointess. I just find it to be a hopeless book to read.

There are pretty passages that create a sense of wonder, like when God tells Abraham how many children he will have, and so on. But this is brought low by my feeling that the bible is a bit of a downer. There is too much 'don't do this, don't do that, or death and punishment'. Too often the main 'characters' seem to live miserable lives -- you wonder why they don't just do themselves in. There is also far too much heinous shit going on for my taste.
I also dislike the fact that you often have to turn to footnotes and even outside sources to understand what the heck is going on.
(The uncrowned master of this in modern times is Italian writer Umberto Ecco, IMO)
Again: I say this without in any way critiquing the truth of the bible, or its moral and religious significance.

By comparison, the bhagavad gita and its 'mommy' the mahabharata are beautiful and poetic texts that are fun and exiting to read. Even if they can be a little hard to understand sometimes, and they don't exactly end on a high note.
The Koran has a spaced-out poetic quality that makes it interesting, even when you don't understand it or it seems bat shit crazy (although I'm told much of this poetic quality is lost in translation from the Arabic)
The Poetic Edda is a fun read and contains a lot of thoughts and sayings that are valid even today, without mixing in any spirituality.
Some Zoroastrian texts I've read are interesting to read because those guys seemed to be like christians on LSD or something... Marry myself? Fuck yeah!

I twinge slightly with guilt when I think about the fact that I only know the overarching story of the Bible because I read a series of biblical comic books in my early teens.

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So. My question to christians and de-converts alike: how the heck does one find the strength and energy to read the entire bible? Do/did you find it as boring as I did? How did you find it?

The problem may be that you are not using enough critical analysis and that you haven't read enough of it to understand the questions that you should ask.

For example, the Bible makes a big production about Abraham being the founder. But he was a world-class bastard who had no redeeming qualities.

In Matthew 7:17-20 the Jesus character talks about how bad trees can not bear good fruit. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...B;CJB;NKJV

Now, given the fact that Abraham was such a rotten and despicable creature, how could anything good come from him?

The Bible presents two sides to every issue. It's up to the reader to decide which side he should follow. For instance, there are stories saying that parents should stone their disobedient rugrats. There are also stories about forgiving people who trespass against you, even up to seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...B;CJB;NKJV

So should you fly off the handle and kill your mouthy children but expect mercy and forgiveness for your own misdeeds countless times? What happens to people who fly into fits of road rage? Such incidents don't normally end well for the people involved.

When Jesus condemned whole towns to hell fire for not believing in him (Matthew 11:21-24) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...B;CJB;NKJV was he displaying forgiveness as he said one should do in Matthew 18:21-22?

If you are supposed to help those in need as Jesus said in Matthew 25:35-46 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...B;CJB;NKJV why would you refuse to help a widow younger than sixty as Paul said in 1 Timothy 5:3-15 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...B;CJB;NKJV

If young widows can get married as soon as their husbands croak why can't men get another income the same day they lose their current one? Why do men deserve help more than widows?

In many ways the Bible stories are satirical essays about morality. They give the ideal and then contrast it with the imperfect.

For example, if you are supposed to pray for your enemies as Jesus said in Matthew 5:44 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?sea...B;CJB;NKJV why didn't he ever pray for Satan?

[Justtristo]

Maybe we could persuade Quentin Tarantino to do a re-write.

He could make that bastard ROCK!

Boru

He would be the only director in my opinion, who remake "The Greatest Story Ever Told", which would be quite faithful to the text it was based on.

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And it's rated R for excessive violence and sexuality.

NC-17 actually, since you have scenes for example; In Genesis 9 Ham sodomizing his own father Noah. Or in Judges 19 Story of a guy who let his concubine be raped . Then the guy cut up her dead body into 12 pieces and send those pieces all across Israel.

[sven]

In many ways the Bible stories are satirical essays about morality. They give the ideal and then contrast it with the imperfect.

I strongly suspect that the authors may not have intended it to be satire.

Read with a satirical perspective in mind, however, the Bible could be a much more entertaining read.
I would have liked a more slapstick, sitcom feel to it though...

For example:

Noah builds an Ark to escape the flood.
God drowns the entire world.
Noah lands on a little island and makes a sacrifice.
God smells the sacrifice and comes down, wearing a clown nose.
God says: 'Just kidding! C'mon! lighten up everybody!' *honks car horn*
An angel does a drum roll and ends with a cymbal.
Noah, his family and all the animals laugh. Freeze frame.
Credits roll.

But now I feel we are criticising the story of the bible, rather than its 'entertainment' value.

[Tonus]

Reservoir Disciples?

That would be outstanding.

[Faith No More]

When I was sixteen or so, I picked up a bible just for the hell of it to see what the fuss really was about, and after several dozen "begats," I said, "fuck this" and skipped to what I knew to be the bloody ending. I only revelations, and I never intend to open a bible again. It was a less than compelling read.

[Clueless Morgan]

He would be the only director in my opinion, who remake "The Greatest Story Ever Told", which would be quite faithful to the text it was based on.

Whenever I hear "The Greatest Story Ever Told" I always finish it with my favorite line for The Da Vinci Code: "The Greatest Story Ever Told was in fact the greatest story ever sold."

As for reading the bible, yeah. It sucks. I started a reread last November and I got to... Deuteronomy (I think) before I fell away from it. I'd feel bad about leaving it mid read, but I started a novel that actually has some entertainment value and quality writing to it's name: Twilight.

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HA!!! J/K!

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[sven]

He would be the only director in my opinion, who remake "The Greatest Story Ever Told", which would be quite faithful to the text it was based on.

Whenever I hear "The Greatest Story Ever Told" I always finish it with my favorite line for The Da Vinci Code: "The Greatest Story Ever Told was in fact the greatest story ever sold."

As for reading the bible, yeah. It sucks. I started a reread last November and I got to... Deuteronomy (I think) before I fell away from it. I'd feel bad about leaving it mid read, but I started a novel that actually has some entertainment value and quality writing to it's name: Twilight.

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HA!!! J/K!

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I fucking new it. Someone with that level of fucktardation would not be able to write such a well worded post.

[Clueless Morgan]

I fucking new it. Someone with that level of fucktardation would not be able to write such a well worded post.