Trying to Decide Something

[rexbeccarox]

I'm glad!

I normally don't think too much about the past. I think this is the only time I've ever even had an urge like this one.

[Tonus]

You never know when an epiphany is going to strike. I was 36 when I had one of those 'moments' and it led me down a path that was a real rollercoaster emotionally, but it was the best time of my life for a number of reasons. I didn't get the girl, but I think in the long run that was for the best, and I'm in a much better place now. Life can yank the rug out from under our feet now and then. I don't think that the actual event is the most important thing, as much as what we learn from it.

[Lemonvariable72]

Thanks for the info on google. Other than that, what a shitty thing to say. Obviously, I've considered the fact that he might be with someone else.


No, actually, I never wanted to get married, except to Dale. I still don't, and probably wouldn't; even to Dale. As for moving forward, that's not a problem, thanks.


Obviously, you missed the part where I kept complete journals of the entire time. Of everything: the good, the bad, and the downright nasty.


I have no idea what any of this has to do with my situation.


My point? I'm not looking for "someone"... not even Dale. If it were to work out that way, it would be awesome. My first and only actual goal in this is to apologize, and possibly give him a nice walk down memory lane if he'd like it.


Don't project.


I can think of a few "maybes" for you too.


Yeah. Thanks.

Look: I'm all for constructive criticism. My sister had a few tough things to say to me tonight about all this, and I'm taking her advice, which after the tough things she said, was basically, "you need to do this, Becca." I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. I have no scenario in my brain as to how this will end up going down.

You, Drich, have to passive-aggressively dig, as that's your personality. I don't appreciate it. Others give honest advice; you're just looking to be as mean as possible while trying to look like you're being nice. No one buys it, especially not I.

Funny I fancied myself as combative aggressive person.. Like for instance if I were looking to 'dig' I would/could easily go line by line and do that very thing. Because I generally do not have any issue telling people anything. But rather here I thought I was very delicately putting my two cents in, by directing you to move on. Because even if you are the same person you were 15 years ago, he most likly is not. however if both of you remained in the shallow end of the pool most of your adult lives, and did not grow intelectually in the last 15 years. then you'd better snap this guy up, because you'll never be happy with anyone else.

Believe it or not, I did spend several years of my life counseling 'single' people, (even got a few including myself married, there are even a dozen or so human beings on this planet that would not be here otherwise if not for those efforts.) and in that time never once was it a good idea to look up an old flame. That said, if you want people to just pat you on the back, and tell you what you want to hear, I'm sure you can get at least 1/2 a dozen pages of platitudes, and 'do what you feel is right' crap, from just about everyone else. I was just looking to try and bring some balance and common sense to this thread.. But, its your life and your thread, do what you will. My light bill gets paid no matter what you decide to do.

Dude Seriously. Get over yourself.

[rexbeccarox]

I think I opened the floodgates, and I couldn't be happier about it! We are now well into communication. Thanks (almost) everybody

[SteelCurtain]

Cool! Very happy for ya rexbecca!

[Clueless Morgan]

Awesome news, Rex!

[Creed of Heresy]

Well, I figure I might as well chip my two cents in, and fuck knows I'm probably the last person anyone should ever go to for advice on relationships, but...

...Wait, with that in mind, why AM I chipping in??

---

Oh, right. Outsider perspective.

Look, I'll be honest, the fact he proposed marriage after two weeks already sets off alarm bells; who does that?! The fact that when you were together all you did was fight endlessly and had lots of falling-outs and that you broke it off because of all the negative things does not help. In fact it makes it much worse.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. To be frank and blunt, at the risk of sounding like a pessimistic dickwad, I don't see where the reason for believing things will be better this time around comes from. Sure, remembering the good times is great and all, but it sounds like there were more bad times than good ones, and inevitably those are going to rear their ugly heads.

I see it playing out thus: You guys both cling to the good things, you get back together, and within a short time, the negatives come surging to the fore again. You end up dejected, feeling worse than before, and a break-up will ensue, and that will make things even worse still.

If it's just to catch up and reminisce...I still wouldn't recommend it. When something ends badly, repeatedly, it's time to let it go and move on. Graves are best left undisturbed, the coffins left in the ground, and the good memories being left as eulogies on the tombstones, lest you taint them with fresh ill ones.

It seems most everyone here thinks this will make you happy.

I do not agree in the slightest. I see this as a disaster in the making.

I hope I'm wrong. You deserve the complete opposite of what I fear might happen.

[Brakeman]

I think I opened the floodgates, and I couldn't be happier about it!  We are now well into communication.  Thanks (almost) everybody

No one knows how this will play out, the storyline hasn't yet been written.

My recommendation is to put your very best effort into it every day with attention to how he sees you in his eyes and how you see him with yours. What I mean by that is to think often about what you look like though his eyes, and think often about struggles within the man that you don't see. My wife of twenty years didn't catch me with her beauty or her "cooking," she earned my eternal devotion by her accomplished effort to understand me and to accept me when I'm a little bit wrong. (Yes, sometimes guys can be wrong)
Try to be the woman he needs and he willl usually try to be the man you need. Never go into a relationship half-heartedly or fearfully.

"Go Large or go Home" as they say.

I'm rooting for your happiness either way!

[rexbeccarox]

Well, I figure I might as well chip my two cents in, and fuck knows I'm probably the last person anyone should ever go to for advice on relationships, but...

...Wait, with that in mind, why AM I chipping in??

Because you rock.

---

Oh, right.  Outsider perspective.

Look, I'll be honest, the fact he proposed marriage after two weeks already sets off alarm bells; who does that?!

We were just kids.  And we were totally into each other.  And we were cross-continental.  It was his way of holding on to me, and my way of holding on to him was to say "yes".

The fact that when you were together all you did was fight endlessly and had lots of falling-outs and that you broke it off because of all the negative things does not help.  In fact it makes it much worse.

I'm not sure where you read that "all we did" was fight or that we broke it off because of the negative things.  We actually fought and ended up breaking it off because we weren't ready to get married, and that's the only thing we could do to stay together.  We did fight, but we also spent a lot of time just loving each other and trying to make it work.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  To be frank and blunt, at the risk of sounding like a pessimistic dickwad, I don't see where the reason for believing things will be better this time around comes from.  Sure, remembering the good times is great and all, but it sounds like there were more bad times than good ones, and inevitably those are going to rear their ugly heads.

At this point, we've logged about 20 hours talking on the phone, and we're totally on the same page. Our bad times were due to circumstance, and they definitely didn't outweigh the good... I'm honestly not sure where you got that...

I see it playing out thus:  You guys both cling to the good things, you get back together, and within a short time, the negatives come surging to the fore again.  You end up dejected, feeling worse than before, and a break-up will ensue, and that will make things even worse still.

If it's just to catch up and reminisce...I still wouldn't recommend it.  When something ends badly, repeatedly, it's time to let it go and move on.  Graves are best left undisturbed, the coffins left in the ground, and the good memories being left as eulogies on the tombstones, lest you taint them with fresh ill ones.

... but nothing ended badly here.  It's not like we hated each other ever, or even disliked each other.  We just couldn't get it together. My hesitance in contacting him was due to not wanting to mess up his life by re-entering it.  That's all.

It seems most everyone here thinks this will make you happy.

I do not agree in the slightest.  I see this as a disaster in the making.

I hope I'm wrong.  You deserve the complete opposite of what I fear might happen.

Thanks Creed.  It really is helpful, the thinking outside the box.  It helped me to think about this critically.  

[rexbeccarox]

I think I opened the floodgates, and I couldn't be happier about it!  We are now well into communication.  Thanks (almost) everybody

No one knows how this will play out, the storyline hasn't yet been written.

My recommendation is to put your very best effort into it every day with attention to how he sees you in his eyes and how you see him with yours. What I mean by that is to think often about what you look like though his eyes, and think often about struggles within the man that you don't see. My wife of twenty years didn't catch me with her beauty or her "cooking," she earned my eternal devotion by her accomplished effort to understand me and to accept me when I'm a little bit wrong. (Yes, sometimes guys can be wrong)
Try to be the woman he needs and he willl usually try to be the man you need. Never go into a relationship half-heartedly or fearfully.

"Go Large or go Home" as they say.

I'm rooting for your happiness either way!

Thanks Brakes.  He'll be here in three weeks!!!!!


Yes- THREE WEEKS!!

We're going to see how it goes.  If it goes well, he'll be moving here.  If it doesn't go like that, I'm just glad he's back in my life, in whatever capacity.  Yay!!!