Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[Foxaèr]

I am trying. I have done so. Thing is, I'm boxed in. I have nowhere to go, nobody to connect with, nobody to ask for help. I had three real life friends. One cut me off and moved away somewhere, one fired me (I have the email) and the third is going the same way.

I have posted on POF, Tinder, Badoo, Singles Around Me, Craigslist, all of them, and got nothing except spambots. I've been to pubs and clubs, that's one reason I went to Aberystwyth the other week, and been invisible. I've advertised in bus shelters, phone boxes, here on my estate, with nothing to show for it. I've asked people I know, real life and facebook, time and time again. Guess what?

Online matching sites are not the answer.

Real life mingling is the solution. Take a look at what your neighborhood has to offer. Clubs and bars are not necessarily the answer, but it seems to me from your description you were the one just sitting there waiting for a woman to approach you. Most women want to be approached by a confident man, start with that, start approaching women, offering to buy a drink, getting to know her.

[pocaracas]

See, that last day we drove to her mum's, she was in the front passenger seat and me behind. I was very annoyed because I knew she wasn't well. But I mellowed as we drove on, and I saw her watching me in the wing mirror. She reached her hand back towards me and I held it, and tickled it and made her laugh. She promised she wouldn't be long as she wasn't feeling well. Then we dropped her off at the bottom of her mum's road, we got out and kissed and hugged, and I watched and waved as she went into the door. Then my life, like hers, ended.

So... you went with her up to the door... Whatever happened, happened with her mum? Next to you, the person on this planet more desiring her well-being.
Do you suppose that, had you been there with her, when that happened, you'd have made a difference?

I'm willing to bet that you would only be a witness of that horrific end... And, today, you'd probably feel worse for your inability to do anything.
You should try not to blame yourself.
I see you doing nothing wrong in the story you told.

Remember her as she was, full of life, right up to the end!

[Cyberman]

Do you suppose that, had you been there with her, when that happened, you'd have made a difference?

Yes. Absolutely. When it happened, she was alone. Her mum was at the shop getting milk or whatever, one of her brothers was upstairs playing xbox. Had she been with me at the time, she would have been surrounded by people. My dad is a trained first aider, he could have got her in the recovery position while the ambulance arrived.

The consensus is she choked on her tongue while unconscious. We will never know how long she was alone before getting medical attention. All we know is that the paramedics worked on her for at least an hour - far longer than they usually work on anyone - to resuscitate her. They actually got her heart beating at one point, then lost it again.

So yeah, those events would certainly have played out differently if only I hadn't changed my mind.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Can you change the outcome now by beating yourself up for not knowing the outcome then?

[pocaracas]

Do you suppose that, had you been there with her, when that happened, you'd have made a difference?

Yes. Absolutely. When it happened, she was alone. Her mum was at the shop getting milk or whatever, one of her brothers was upstairs playing xbox. Had she been with me at the time, she would have been surrounded by people. My dad is a trained first aider, he could have got her in the recovery position while the ambulance arrived.

The consensus is she choked on her tongue while unconscious. We will never know how long she was alone before getting medical attention. All we know is that the paramedics worked on her for at least an hour - far longer than they usually work on anyone - to resuscitate her. They actually got her heart beating at one point, then lost it again.

So yeah, those events would certainly have played out differently if only I hadn't changed my mind.

Ok. Things could have been different that one time.
Many questions remain in my curious mind, but I'll drop them. I'm sure they've gone through yours enough times...no need for me to poke at them more than I already have. I'm sorry for making you relive this.

You did nothing wrong, except maybe not check if someone was indeed with her at all times.
I hope, someday, you'll manage to forgive yourself for that slight failure... For that reliance on her family to keep an eye on her...
From what you tell, they failed her far more than you.
You just wanted to make her happy. And you did.

[Joods]

Steve,

My heart hurts for you. I know you probably don't believe it and that's okay. But here's the thing I'd like you to think about - Sam would never want you to continue to mentally beat yourself up over this. She just wouldn't.

In order for you to truly move on, you need to start letting go of the past. Listen to some of the advice on here and let some of that marinate because, without sugar coating anything - no one is ever going to replace Sam, nor should they want to. But if you want to move forward, it's not fair to anyone you meet to compare them to her or to the love you had for her. I think maybe you fear that if you allow yourself to love someone else, that you will forget about Sam.

Trust me - you won't. Allow yourself to set your emotions free. To set your mind free so that you can mentally get to a healthy state and realize that perhaps someone is out there looking for you. Not what you had with Sam, because that's something that was unique and special between the two of you. But think about what you could have with a new person, if you only allow it.

And for the record - stop saying you are ugly. You aren't ugly and I rather think that's an insult to Sam's tastes because obviously she found you handsome, fell in love and married you. Sam would never want to see all the negativity and thoughts of despair that you carry around with you. She would want you to be happy and to move on with your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. 

You don't have to take any of the advice offered here, but I kinda think it's progress when you are willing to allow others to step inside your private space and offer an olive branch so that you can learn to move on with your life in a positive way. Whether you believe it or not - many people here really do love you.  We've gotten to know you and some of us have felt your pain. I, for one, will never forget the front door incident. That is something that will stay with me for life because of the love that a bunch of internet friends (read: family) have for you and were concerned enough about your life that an intervention through a lot of phone calls was necessary. None of that would have happened if we didn't care about you. It's a comforting thought to know that people from literally other continents were worried enough about you to prompt calls to save your life. 

If you don't think anyone out here loves you, then honestly, I really don't know what to tell you. None of us can take away your pain, but we can all try our best to encourage you to rediscover who you are so that you can learn to love yourself. You can't love anyone else until you learn to do that first and it wouldn't be fair to ask someone to love you if you can't even love yourself.

Once you come to the conclusion that you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness, then you can offer that happiness to a relationship to make it whole. But, if you are looking for someone else to make you happy - it'll never work. It comes from inside you. Learn to recognize it and allow it to grow and maybe the next person you meet will see the wonderful person that Sam saw in you. And maybe, just maybe, you can allow yourself to be loved again. 

For what it's worth - if I lived near you, I'd like to date you. I've seen your pictures and have heard your voice thanks to the staff interviews. I gotta say - there's something about a British accent that I happen to find attractive. My only condition would be that you had to make an actual effort to start loving yourself again and to allow yourself to be truly happy. 

I think perhaps it's time to evict yourself from the past because you don't live there anymore.

[Cyberman]

I'm trying. I've tried. Truly. I don't know what more I can do to try. In all honesty, this stuff doesn't enter my thoughts until and unless it comes up. I've considered a lot of what you all said, long ago. I knew that comparing Ms Ann Other to Sam would be unfair to everyone involved, and I let that stop me for the longest time. Now I'm beyond that. I want companionship, I want affection. Sam and I had this thing where we would gaze into each other's eyes, and I could see myself in the reflection the way she saw me. Now she doesn't even have eyes, and I miss that. Maybe one day I will meet the next Ms Right, despite having known Ms Perfect, but I'll be content with Ms Good Enough For Now. I know how bad that sounds, but I know other people that do it, and they don't have to pay for it.

[Seraphina]

What do you mean?... Sam would be alive?

Ok. This is cutting very deep. Sam was experiencing dizzy spells due to the hormone injections she was taking for IVF. On two occasions this brought on her seizures, which we nursed through. We even agreed to see her doctor about it the next day. That last day - Sunday - she had another dizzy spell, which she remarked was a big one. She wanted to go to her mum's house that day, which I was very much against, due to her state of health. So she rang her mum to say she wasn't up to visiting that day. Then I saw the annoyance in her face that she wasn't up to seeing her mum. So I relented and let her go, with my dad driving her there rather than risking public transport. And I never saw her alive again.

I know that if she hadn't gone that day, she would never have been alone when 'it' happened to her. My dad's a trained first aider for fuck's sake. And we could have got the ambulance to her in seconds, if it was to happen at all.

No, I'm the murdering bastard in this scenario. And I have no live with that.

omg, you've been living with guilt all this time? I'm so sorry to hear that. I'll chime in to say that you're not to blame and who is to say for sure what would have happened if you didn't let her go that day?

Kudos to you for being open about what happened to Sam. By telling us your story, you might even be helping someone else who has gone through a similar situation of losing a partner.

-Teresa

[Joods]

I'm trying. I've tried. Truly. I don't know what more I can do to try. In all honesty, this stuff doesn't enter my thoughts until and unless it comes up. I've considered a lot of what you all said, long ago. I knew that comparing Ms Ann Other to Sam would be unfair to everyone involved, and I let that stop me for the longest time. Now I'm beyond that. I want companionship, I want affection. Sam and I had this thing where we would gaze into each other's eyes, and I could see myself in the reflection the way she saw me. Now she doesn't even have eyes, and I miss that. Maybe one day I will meet the next Ms Right, despite having known Ms Perfect, but I'll be content with Ms Good Enough For Now. I know how bad that sounds, but I know other people that do it, and they don't have to pay for it.

Perhaps maybe some sort of bereavement group might help? There are many widows and widowers who feel lost and perhaps having a similar connection and being able to talk about it might help over time? 

I know there is no easy fix, but if you shut yourself off from any help that might get you to move on, then you're just continuing to hurt yourself. 

I know this isn't the same, but when I was 18 years old, I became pregnant with twin daughters. I was working a full time plus a part time job, as was my then boyfriend. One day, when I was six months pregnant, he came home from his second job at 3 am. I was having this stupid craving for lettuce and Pringles. He had barely gotten in the door when I started hounding him to run to the store, totally ignoring the fact that he was exhausted. He square punched me in the stomach and immediately felt remorse. Up to that point, he had never hit me. He started crying profusely and immediately picked me up and took me to the hospital. 

Long story short - he had hit me so hard that it caused a skull fracture to one of the babies. I had no choice but to deliver them. I refused to press charges because I knew that he didn't hit me out of anger, but because he was tired. He was working seven days a week. I was working five. We were both exhausted. I shouldn't have been working so much at that stage, especially with twins, but we didn't want to struggle once they were born so we were essentially stockpiling money and supplies. Neither baby survived. This past March, they would have both turned 27 years old. This was 1989. The would have been born in March of 1990.

Is it the same? No. But I was in love with my unborn children and for the last 27 years, I've been left with wonder. Wondering what they would have looked like, sounded like, how well they would have done in their lives. Would I be a grandmother at my age now? All of those things, I will never know. I haven't forgotten, but I also don't let all of those "what ifs" define the rest of my life. I have two daughters who came along after that, one has Down syndrome. I also have two step sons. I'd say my life is pretty full. I've had ups and downs and good times and bad. But I've lived the last 27 years of my life without letting what could have been, define my life. 

I hate the month of March. But I also hate the month of December. I lost my dad 22 years ago, three days before Christmas, back in 95. Jordan, will be 22 this Saturday. I haven't been allowed to see her for three years. It will be the fourth birthday I've missed and not because I wanted it that way. Jordan never got to know her grandfather. He died before she turned three months old. I still miss him to this day. He was my best friend. He was the only parent I bonded with. And he died after only gotten to hold Jordan three times in her life. 

All of these things aren't being told to you so that I can say my situation was/is worse than yours. They aren't. Your loss is just as important to you as my losses are to me. The difference between us is that I refuse to allow myself to wallow in the guilt that I could have done anything to prevent my twins from dying, or my dad from dying or the parental alienation of my 22 year old. I didn't know that any of that was going to happen and I refuse to blame myself for that because I was just as much of a victim as they were. 

I cannot possibly be a good mother to the four kids I have now, if I am constantly comparing them to how the twins might have turned out. That simply isn't fair to the children alive for me to love today. That said - I will never forget my dad or my twins. And I most certainly hold out hope that Jordan and I will be reunited one day. But for the moment - I have to live in the here and now because there are people who care about me NOW and I care about them. And we all need each other. 

Forgetting isn't an option, but moving on must become an option if you want to live the rest of your life as a happy person because we all only ever get this one life to live. There's no rehearsal, no do-overs, no second chances at life. You have to make the best of it and I think that's what Sam would want you to do.  Push yourself out of the stagnant waters of your life and look forward to the fact that you get another chance to be happy again the next day. 

You could not possibly know that anything was going to happen to Sam. None of us has the gift of foresight. You did nothing wrong. You simply could not have ever known that events would happen the way they did. Accept that reality. Stop punishing yourself for not being able to predict the unknown. It's long past the time you forgave yourself and quit mentally bashing your head against a wall for not being able to do something. 

I get that you want a companion and affection. But really read my last post to you and take the next year to find your inner happiness. Realize that you need to bring an offer of happiness, companionship and affection to a relationship. Start with having a relationship with yourself. Truly learn to look in the mirror and LOVE the person you see. Once you can do that - the world will start to look different to you.

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

Steve,

My heart hurts for you. I know you probably don't believe it and that's okay. But here's the thing I'd like you to think about - Sam would never want you to continue to mentally beat yourself up over this. She just wouldn't.

In order for you to truly move on, you need to start letting go of the past. Listen to some of the advice on here and let some of that marinate because, without sugar coating anything - no one is ever going to replace Sam, nor should they want to. But if you want to move forward, it's not fair to anyone you meet to compare them to her or to the love you had for her. I think maybe you fear that if you allow yourself to love someone else, that you will forget about Sam.

Trust me - you won't. Allow yourself to set your emotions free. To set your mind free so that you can mentally get to a healthy state and realize that perhaps someone is out there looking for you. Not what you had with Sam, because that's something that was unique and special between the two of you. But think about what you could have with a new person, if you only allow it.

And for the record - stop saying you are ugly. You aren't ugly and I rather think that's an insult to Sam's tastes because obviously she found you handsome, fell in love and married you. Sam would never want to see all the negativity and thoughts of despair that you carry around with you. She would want you to be happy and to move on with your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. 

You don't have to take any of the advice offered here, but I kinda think it's progress when you are willing to allow others to step inside your private space and offer an olive branch so that you can learn to move on with your life in a positive way. Whether you believe it or not - many people here really do love you.  We've gotten to know you and some of us have felt your pain. I, for one, will never forget the front door incident. That is something that will stay with me for life because of the love that a bunch of internet friends (read: family) have for you and were concerned enough about your life that an intervention through a lot of phone calls was necessary. None of that would have happened if we didn't care about you. It's a comforting thought to know that people from literally other continents were worried enough about you to prompt calls to save your life. 

If you don't think anyone out here loves you, then honestly, I really don't know what to tell you. None of us can take away your pain, but we can all try our best to encourage you to rediscover who you are so that you can learn to love yourself. You can't love anyone else until you learn to do that first and it wouldn't be fair to ask someone to love you if you can't even love yourself.

Once you come to the conclusion that you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness, then you can offer that happiness to a relationship to make it whole. But, if you are looking for someone else to make you happy - it'll never work. It comes from inside you. Learn to recognize it and allow it to grow and maybe the next person you meet will see the wonderful person that Sam saw in you. And maybe, just maybe, you can allow yourself to be loved again. 

For what it's worth - if I lived near you, I'd like to date you. I've seen your pictures and have heard your voice thanks to the staff interviews. I gotta say - there's something about a British accent that I happen to find attractive. My only condition would be that you had to make an actual effort to start loving yourself again and to allow yourself to be truly happy. 

I think perhaps it's time to evict yourself from the past because you don't live there anymore.

 This is the most beautiful post that I've read on here: your words glow with eloquence, warmth, and compassion, Joods. FWIW, you've made my day and inspired me. Thanks.