What is being an Atheist like?

[Jenny A]

I actually don't understand why I believe in God either. I want to be in an Atheist too, but it's hard to deny that's there's a God when its something you were taught from when you were born.

It can be hard to give up things your parents taught you.  But if you can't figure out why you believe, and you don't actively try to believe, chances are you will just gradually cease to believe.  Actually reading the Bible, odd as that may sound, might hurry the process along.  

I want to become an atheist. But I'm afraid to. There many reasons for this. Social stigma, lack of support, having to abandoned a way of life a grew up with, and change. I lack social skills, and am not good at making friends, so if I enter the Atheist community I feel making new friends will be a long way off, and there's already a social stigma attached to me being transgender, add atheist to the equation, well that only makes it worse. So, it's fear that holds me back. And the fact I'm unwilling to give up God totally.

There isn't an atheist community in the sense that there are church communities.  Atheism isn't a club or a religion.  There are atheist groups of course, and online sites like this one, but they are few and far between.  Most atheists don't think much about atheism.  It's a position on a single issue and there isn't necessarily any philosophy attached to it.

If you have social difficulties, make friends who are either atheist or who won't care if you are before coming out atheist rather than after.   As to "giving up" god, it sounds as if you already have.  That is to say you don't appear to believe in him, but you have some remaining feelings for religious people.  That's normal.

I have no evidence. I believe, but I don't believe. I struggle back and forth with this question all the time. Does God exist? I guess I will never truly know, since philosophy and science can never disprove or prove there is a God. It all comes down to faith, and I absolutely zero faith. I could become agnostic, but I feel like that is just sitting on the fence.

If you don't believe, you are actually already an atheist.  What you decide to call yourself is another matter.  But while belief in god comes down to faith, not believing is a matter of reason.  There are a number of things we can't disprove, like unicorns and dragons.  But we don't waste time considering whether they exist because there is no evidence for them when you would expect there to be evidence if they did exist.  This makes their existence unlikely.  The god claim is similar.  If there were an omnipotent being, you expect there to be some real sign of it, but there isn't.  Therefore god is highly unlikely.

I am fearful of death. Because I know if God really does exist, I will go to hell. Not only because I cross-dress, but because I have no faith in him. The fear of hell scares me the most.

Hell strikes me as even more unlikely than god.  It's story concocted to make you believe in a particular god out of fear.  But, sometimes it's hard to dismiss things told to scare you.  I would begin by reading the Bible's descriptions of the afterlife.  There aren't many.  In the OT they begin Sheol which is a sort of gray unplace.  And not much is said of it.  Later in the OT death looks more like the Greek version of the afterlife.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SheolIt's not until the NT that the idea of hellfire comes up.  Read a little Greek mythology and compare.  The point being that it's all myth and really wrapping your head around that may help.

I've been brainwashed my whole  life and I really want to "heal" from it. I just find it really hard. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Connie

I hope I've helped a little, but you might get better help from others who went through a stage of being afraid of god and hell.  I didn't, so my advice is probably less valuable.  Good luck.