Feeling pretty gutted

[Rhondazvous]

MTL, can I ask what your interactions with your sister are like? What's your fighting style? Do you yell and scream at each other?

I don't mind answering this question; it's an interesting query, actually.

First of all, fighting was always the last resort.

I tried really, really hard to bond with my sister...for decades;
returning kindness for her every unkindness;
"turning the other cheek" as it were.

But the nicer I was to her,
the more unkind she would become...

...so eventually, of course,
it would, occasionally build to a head and explode.

When we were teens, these confrontations involved screaming, name-calling, a bit of mutual shoving and slapping.

As adults, some screaming....but no physical contact....however, some actual debate was attempted

Since the birth of my nephew three years ago,
ALL handling of differences between my sister and I,
went through my mother; she acted as a go-between,
with zero actual confrontation between my sister and I.

(That system worked to my sister's advantage, so she wants that to continue,
because she knows how to manipulate and coerce my mother;

and because she knows that if I am allowed to speak,
that her manipulations will be exposed).

BUT MOST RECENTLY:
this big argument, this past weekend,
was actually the first of its kind:

She was completely and utterly unwilling to let me speak on my own behalf, at all.

(And I was taken completely off guard by this, in a way, because, I confess:

I was actually was expecting her to have grown up a bit;
I was expecting her to perhaps finally express recognition of all my efforts at kindness and diplomacy;

and perhaps even get a little acknowledgement and ownership of her past actions,
maybe even a commitment to mutual respect, in the future,
and some support of my ambitions).


See, in years past, she always opposed me....but she at least engaged with me.

...but I think NOW she realizes:
 
1.  I am too good at exposing her bullshit,

2.  That she has given me a wealth of bullshit to expose.

So her solution is also twofold:

1.  Create the PRIMARY illusion
...that anything I will say is going to be bullshit;

2.  Create the SECONDARY illusion
....that it is therefore intolerable to even consider the idea, that my words deserve the chance to even be uttered.

You need to kill your sister. Mentally, you need to treat her as if she does not exist. This game of not letting you speak will not work if you have nothing to say. If your mom tries to bring her into a conversation, don't give energy to it. Just nod politely as if she were talking about someone you used to know.

this will be a game changer. The worst think they will be able to say about you is that you left them talking to the wall. This probably won't win their love but it will take the wind out of their sails and allow you to devote energy to things that are important to you—like building a network of worthy, positive people.