The difference between empathy and sympathy and why it's important

[Aegon]

I think we usually think that bad feelings are a result of a broken world view, and that the way to fix the problem is to correct the world view.  So when say Robin Williams was suffering depression, people would say-- you're rich, you're popular, you have a great family, what's to be depressed about?  Obviously, in his state he was unable to see that positive world view.

On the other hand, I'd worry that I'm enabling someone by validating feelings based on a broken world view.  Let's say I know a woman who was raped 20 years ago, and she keeps having problems with her relationships, gets depressed, and says it's because of the baggage caused by that event.  I'd be worried that if I empathize with her, and give her the love and attention she needs, that there will some reward in it for her.  Next time she needs love and attention, she may be more likely to dig up those old feelings, instead of looking for healthier ways of getting it.  Also, to really empathize, I'm going to have to walk in some pretty dark shadows myself.

I mean, everyone gets depressed sometimes.  But I've known some professional wallowers, and I don't think reinforcing that (and I've known some with TOTAL support from family and friends) really benefits the person that much.


I'd also like to mention that I suffered depression a lot when I was younger.  I was lonely, isolated, bored, tired, and happy people mostly just seemed like condescending pricks when they tried to make me happy.  But people trying to help me didn't, really.  It was friends who showed me tough love that helped more: "Stop your fucking whining.  You're gonna put on some clothes, let me buy you a drink, and we're going to go get shot down by every girl in Vancouver, and it'll be fucking great."  I went to a doctor to get a depression diagnosis because I was too depressed and antisocial to get a job and I wanted to go on welfare.  He said, "I'm not going to enable you to sit around and feel sorry for yourself.  You show me you registered in school, and you apply for a student loan, and I'll give you a two month diagnosis so you can have a little holiday."  So off I went to university, and it was INTERESTING, and I had so many other things to think about than what a waste of space I was, and over time, my world view changed.

I'm not sure if you'd call my friend empathetic, or my doctor.  But the important thing is they forced me to engage in my life, and not to sit around wallowing.  Nothing's a better cure for depression than the flashing lights and booming sounds of a real life, happening.

I'd definitely agree that "tough love" can be beneficial, but empathizing doesn't necessarily mean reinforcing their behavior. One could certainly combine empathy with tough love. In fact that would probably be the best way to handle the situation. You responded well to those friends, but it's possible that you could have virtually ignored their advice because you have the mindset of "Easy for them to say something like that, they're not dealing with this."