rewriting the bible part 3 - Leviticus

[Cecelia]

No i am rewriting the bible one chapter at a time i still have a long ways to go.

You could save yourself some time.  Two topics.

Old Testament: Yahweh is God.  Worship him, or you'll go to hell.  Also don't eat shellfish, pork, wear clothes of mixed fabric, or have gay sex.  There's also some fairy tales about Yahweh committing genocide but having a guy named Noah save two of every animal on earth in a wooden boat, along with his wife and kids and their wives.  Another about Adam and Eve eating an apple from a talking snake.  And then there's the one about Moses saving Hebrews from being slaves and Egypt.  And one about Lot's wife getting turned into a pillar of salt for looking back at a city Yahweh Destroyed.  Oh, and the most important one of all: Yahweh lets Satan fuck with Job's life, kills his kids, his wife, takes everything from him all because of a bet.  Not the best of bed time stories for children, especially the one with the woman who's lover had genitals that were like those of Donkey's and who's emission was like that of Horses.

New Testament: Jesus is Yahweh.  The Father is Yahweh.  The Holy Spirit is Yahweh.  But Jesus isn't the father, and Jesus isn't the Holy Spirit.  Jesus said "Golden Rule is Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" then said "fuck it," and decided the new golden rule was that you had to believe in him.  He then got nailed to a cross by some Romans, came back to life three days later.  He performed miracles like turning water into wine, walking on water, and getting the White Sox to win a world series (actually the last one's not true) (Spoilers: the others aren't true either).  Also some guy named Paul was involved in all of this, and Peter.