To kill a mocking depression

[rexbeccarox]

@ OP

Wonderful post Mama.

I agree with you Rob, that depression is something impossible to understand unless you have experienced it.

I have experienced it in the past and attempted suicide once. I haven't felt it for years thankfully.

Here's how I would define depression, in my own words:

It's when you experience chronic sadness, despair or emptiness that occurs without any reason at all and yet still intensifies even further when there actually is a reason.

With my depression, sadness rarely has any place. Apathy rules my brain for the most part, and when I'm in the depths of a gnarly episode, it's more like extremely simple passivity. I couldn't care less about almost anything except the most painless way to die.

When you just want the world to go away and you want your brain to turn off forever. When you feel unloved, unwanted and completely pathetic.

That's another thing: I never feel unloved or unwanted. My friends and family, including a lot of people on this very forum, are so supportive and loving and amazing... it's part of why the depression gets so hard. Because of the love in my life, there's no way I could ever end it because I could never hurt my loved ones that way. There's no escaping. It sounds whiny to a lot of people, but in really bad episodes, all I can think about is that I wish people didn't love me because then I could end it.

When it either feels like you are indifferent to death at the best and at the worst you crave it like it's the most appealing thing in the world.

This is SO true for me.

It's so interesting the similarities and differences we all have with depression. I'm like Mama in that I was first diagnosed at a really young age. I can't imagine living life without it.