Another way of looking at depression

[robvalue]

(This is an idea a friend of mine came up with. I'm not sure if they'd like me to identify them or not, but I think they'd be ok with me sharing this.)

As most of you have probably gathered by now, I'm very seriously depressed. I try not to go on about it all the time; partly so as not to bore and burden everyone, and partly because I'm trying to take my mind off it. But sometimes I have to have a good hard think about it, because it has such a big impact on my life.

Depression is almost always viewed in a negative light, and understandably so. This is another way of viewing it, which makes it come off more like a hero than a villain.

When our mind and our body are all in harmony and agreeing amongst themselves, we don't tend to feel conflict. We are making decisions we are confident in. But sometimes part of us pushes back against us, as if to tell us there is not total agreement. Depression could maybe be viewed this way. I'm guessing that when someone has chosen to die, wants to die and is confident with that decision, they wouldn't feel depression. They'd feel clarity; peace maybe. I've longed to let myself feel that peace.

A depressed person is fighting to keep alive. Part of them wants to live, for whatever reason. In my case, the reasons mostly consist of the effects on those I would leave behind. This has somehow provided me enough motivation not to kill myself over the last 10 years. Part of me wants to keep living, even if it's not actually for my own benefit.

So maybe depression can be viewed as the cognitive dissonance between the part of us that wants to give up, and the part that wants to keep fighting. Keep living. In this way, it's a good thing. It reminds us that we still have some fight left in us.

[abaris]

A depressed person is fighting to keep alive. Part of them wants to live, for whatever reason. In my case, the reasons mostly consist of the effects on those I would leave behind. This has somehow provided me enough motivation not to kill myself over the last 10 years. Part of me wants to keep living, even if it's not actually for my own benefit.

I'm diagnosed with clinical depression also. Took me about a decade to admit I needed professional help. There are many contributing factors for my illness, and I'm well aware of them. It's just I can't do anything about them either.

In my case it's not so much fighting to keep alive but that I simply don't care. So far I didn't contemplate suicide at any point in life, but I simply don't care if I live or die. It's also that I got more and more withdrawn over time. I don't crave the company of others anymore and feel most comfortable if I can lock the door behind me.

In any case, I usually don't talk about it. Most people don't understand the symptoms that sometimes make it near impossible to get up in the morning and to pretend to be human. And what I really can't stand is advice from people who never experienced it themselves. However well intended that may be.

[Faith No More]

I'm guessing that when someone has chosen to die, wants to die and is confident with that decision, they wouldn't feel depression. They'd feel clarity; peace maybe. I've longed to let myself feel that peace.

I don't want to sound like I'm romanticizing it, but that's how it was for me.  It was as if I had finally found the solution to all my problems, and a sense of peace washed over me as if I'd found the light at the end of tunnel.  I was finally going end the pain I didn't seem capable of escaping.  Of course, it wasn't until after I woke up and saw the looks on my family's faces that I hadn't actually found a way to eliminate my suffering.  I had just found a way to hand it off to someone else.

For me, it's helpful to approach my depression as the chemicals in my brain being out of whack, because we can actually control our brain chemistry somewhat.  We can choose to do things that help release good neurotransmitters like getting out of the house, exercising, socializing and focusing on the positives in our lives.  It's hard because there's no real immediate benefit from all of this stuff, but if you keep working on it day in and day out, you'll eventually start to feel better.

In any case, I usually don't talk about it. Most people don't understand the symptoms that sometimes make it near impossible to get up in the morning and to pretend to be human. And what I really can't stand is advice from people who never experienced it themselves. However well intended that may be.

Yeah, I think this is one of the more frustrating aspects of depression.  People are alway giving you well-meaning but extremely naive advice like "just stay positive" or "smile more."  Then when you try to explain that it's not that simple, they look at you like you'er just suffering from some sort of character flaw, as opposed to a real medical illness.  I've learned to just ignore it all.

[abaris]

Yeah, I think this is one of the more frustrating aspects of depression.  People are alway giving you well-meaning but extremely naive advice like "just stay positive" or "smile more."  Then when you try to explain that it's not that simple, they look at you like your just suffering from some sort of character flaw, as opposed to a real medical illness.  I've learned to just ignore it all.

That's why I stopped talking about it at all. With people not suffering from the same condition or medical personal. I can't stand it when they engage in kitchen sink psychology. It actually makes me feel worse. Probably because of the feeling of being unable to communicate that it's not sadness but something else entirely.

I actually was the same before it hit me. I didn't understand how people couldn't get a grip on their lives until I experienced the symptoms myself. And that happened like a rockslide. I remember it as if it happened yesterday. It was four years ago. I was sitting in a train waiting for departure and suddenly, without warning, a feeling of dispair crept over me. I never experienced that before. I tried to think of something positive, but no dice. When it finally passed, it left me utterly exhausted. Thats when I went to see the doctor.

[robvalue]

I agree it is one of those things that you can't properly understand unless you've been through it.

You can still try to understand though. That involves really listening, and dropping your preconceptions. Some people have made this effort with me. Most haven't.

[Gemini]

I think I know what you mean, Rob. For me depression was like a disintegration of my humanity. You lose so much of the things that people take for granted--a sense of value in your experiences, a sense of meaning in your efforts. A healthy mental state is so much more fragile than most people realize.

There was a time when I gave up on everything, even worrying about the effects of the people I was going to leave behind. I think your friend's idea is a pretty good way of articulating what brought me out of that. I think depression does mean that on some level you're conflicted. Like Camus wrote in The Myth of Sisyphus. Recognizing the absurdity of life requires that there's some part of your mind that isn't absurd. Some part of you that the depression hasn't taken. If it did, you wouldn't be depressed. Any sense of the absurdity of life would vanish.

At least that's my take on it.

[robvalue]

I agree. I see "my depression" as the ill part of me. It's constantly battling for control of my brain, with the "real me".

At my absolute worst, I've felt like it has had 99% of my brain. I barely knew who I was anymore. I couldn't think sensible thoughts. I felt like I just was the depression.

When I'm doing very well, I can fight it back to maybe 10%. I have to keep it under close surveillance, to make sure it's not creeping back again. It plays dead, but I know it's always scheming. It's waiting for me to be vulnerable.

At the moment... I don't know. I feel like it has about half of me. Maybe more. I feel empty inside. I don't hardly enjoy anything. The future seems totally bleak. I feel like nothing but a burden to the people around me. I know I've actually been making a lot of progress in many ways; it's just that it's hard to care about it. It takes so much of my energy just keeping the depression at bay long enough to think about whatever I'm meant to be doing.

I'm getting more therapy, which is hopefully starting soon.

[Edwardo Piet]

You light up my days Rob. You're certainly not a burden to me

[robvalue]

Thank you my friend

Even when the rational part of me knows you are right, the corrupted emotions in me pick away at the belief until there's nothing left, and replaces it with its own poison.

Thank you for sharing everyone. You have my deepest sympathies, as does anyone who has been through (or is going through) depression.

[Angrboda]

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
~ Dorothy Parker

Anymore I just feel trapped by life. I've made several suicide attempts. All failures. I no longer have the will to try and take my own life. Every method has such strong drawbacks that I just can't approach any of them. I am failing more and more as each day goes by. I no longer know what to do.