Brian was quite a ways off of looking like my 'type', and that contributed to the difficulties I had in understanding my feelings for him. He wasn't older than me, he lacked about 50 to 75 pounds of mass and lord knows, he wasn't hairy.
Any time I contemplated my melt down over him and the subsequent bout of depression, I was mystified, WTF is it about Brian that has the power to make me miserable ??
I attributed it to there not being anything 'special' about Brian beyond encountering him in the midst of the AIDS crisis, and his literally being 'one too many' for me to handle, the implication being, whoever I was going to encounter in that time frame was going to trigger a crisis in me because I was at the very limits of what I could stand in regards to all the horror and death around me.
I look back and realize for me, my understanding of myself was in considerable error as I was assuming I was shallow, and only/mostly appearance driven regarding to the physical type of man I would be attracted to emotionally.
It is much easier now for me to not be too consumed with thoughts like "what do they see in each other??" as there can be a profound factor in the attraction equation, if you will, that will not be evident to anyone else. But its as real as anything to anyone who does 'see' it.
I've also noticed old pictures I have of Brian now image a strikingly handsome man, and that is not how I experienced Brian at the time. Weird and telling, had he been attractive to me at the time, my 'type' in other words, and I had reacted similarly, I might never have realized his actual appeal, and just attributed my response to his hunky hairy masculine presence, and not anything beyond that (hypothetical) hot exterior.
Damn, life is easier for shallow people, and damn me for not being authentically shallow . . . .
Any time I contemplated my melt down over him and the subsequent bout of depression, I was mystified, WTF is it about Brian that has the power to make me miserable ??
I attributed it to there not being anything 'special' about Brian beyond encountering him in the midst of the AIDS crisis, and his literally being 'one too many' for me to handle, the implication being, whoever I was going to encounter in that time frame was going to trigger a crisis in me because I was at the very limits of what I could stand in regards to all the horror and death around me.
I look back and realize for me, my understanding of myself was in considerable error as I was assuming I was shallow, and only/mostly appearance driven regarding to the physical type of man I would be attracted to emotionally.
It is much easier now for me to not be too consumed with thoughts like "what do they see in each other??" as there can be a profound factor in the attraction equation, if you will, that will not be evident to anyone else. But its as real as anything to anyone who does 'see' it.
I've also noticed old pictures I have of Brian now image a strikingly handsome man, and that is not how I experienced Brian at the time. Weird and telling, had he been attractive to me at the time, my 'type' in other words, and I had reacted similarly, I might never have realized his actual appeal, and just attributed my response to his hunky hairy masculine presence, and not anything beyond that (hypothetical) hot exterior.
Damn, life is easier for shallow people, and damn me for not being authentically shallow . . . .
The granting of a pardon is an imputation of guilt, and the acceptance a confession of it.
