Ok so first I'd say there is no immersion. From the beginning your in a first person narration and I have no clue where I am time wise. This never get's cleared up, if that's intentional that's fine. But since I'm a 21st century reader I'll naturally assume a 21st century world, unless cover art or a back side brief prepares me. So when the person your talking to is revealed as the doctor herself I thought I was in an earlier century. Since in this one we have receptionists and wait times for doctors. But then I get the first person inner monologue of no "kitten posters" so now I'm in this century.
Your doctor character is also very accepting of your narrator's powers and abilities. I also know very little of either of you other then she's a blond. I don't get any emotional understanding from your narrator, perhaps that's intentional. And your doctor's easy acceptance with little emotion is also very unrealistic. That is unless we are going to get a big reveal of how she's "know the whole time" later. I think a third person apporach might help us understand her easy acceptance, or perhaps your narrators powers. The narrator sees into her mind the long forgotten memories boiling to the surface. Something to make a reader not balk at her "go with the flow" approach.
You describe allot of character movement in your narration but very little of the environmental feel. Was she sweating? Could you smell it? Did you have heighten senses that detected wild life out side or is it a city and you hear the foot steps and chatter of cell calls? Did that annoy your character, did they like it? I think you could impress on the reader your narrator's powers by having him give reader some idea of where we are and also provide us with some context to understand them a little.
Those are my first impressions on part 1.
Your doctor character is also very accepting of your narrator's powers and abilities. I also know very little of either of you other then she's a blond. I don't get any emotional understanding from your narrator, perhaps that's intentional. And your doctor's easy acceptance with little emotion is also very unrealistic. That is unless we are going to get a big reveal of how she's "know the whole time" later. I think a third person apporach might help us understand her easy acceptance, or perhaps your narrators powers. The narrator sees into her mind the long forgotten memories boiling to the surface. Something to make a reader not balk at her "go with the flow" approach.
You describe allot of character movement in your narration but very little of the environmental feel. Was she sweating? Could you smell it? Did you have heighten senses that detected wild life out side or is it a city and you hear the foot steps and chatter of cell calls? Did that annoy your character, did they like it? I think you could impress on the reader your narrator's powers by having him give reader some idea of where we are and also provide us with some context to understand them a little.
Those are my first impressions on part 1.
"I'm thick." - Me
