I don't know why I care what you think of my writing.

[Aegon]

Good stuff! I liked it. Would you mind if I made some comments?

"Yes," she said as she tried to pay attention to the road and also tried to pay attention to the voice of her roomate. "But no."

This could be worded in a manner that flows more easily to the reader. Something like: "'Yes,' she said as she attempted to focus simultaneously on the road and the voice of her roommate," or something a little different like, "'Yes, she said, struggling to divide her attention between the road and the voice of her roommate."

She took a deep breath and made her way to the front door. Once inside, she made her way toward the front desk where a rather unpleasant old woman stood guard.

This would be a good opportunity to take advantage of description. Telling the reader that she is unpleasant does paint something of a picture for the reader, but using different ways to describe what makes her look unpleasant will lead the reader to make that conclusion themselves, and also get a better picture of this lady.

I covertly flipped her a bird with my middle finger as I passed by, earning from her a scour worthy of praise, and I winked at her once more.

I think you meant "scowl" instead of "scour"?

The front desk clerk was always kind and courteous, and annoying due to his over-compensation toward being kind and courteous. "Hello," he said with a smile that was annoying. "How was the journey over here?"

Same thing as the older lady from before. The narrator has obviously had past experience with the clerk, referencing that and adding more descriptors can make for a better read. But I like "he said with a smile that was annoying," that's a great line. Got a chuckle out of me.

Then suddenly she was surrounded by idiots with guns shouting and making it obvious with their gestures that she was not permitted to leave. Through concentration over the unnecessary noise, she learned nothing else. Men and their guns. It was why she was not fond of either nouns she had provided.

The narrator is oddly calm here. The first reaction to a loud alarm and men with guns closing off the area is her thinking, "Oh, idiot men with their guns." Not to mention that when a loud alarm goes off in a building and armed guards roll through, the alarm hardly seems unnecessary.

"Are you gay?"

The guard next to her did not react, but she looked past him and noticed the strange look from the guard beside him.

"I only ask because a straight man has not held me this close in a long time."

Ha, I like this line a lot.

The female guard was not what would have been expected, because she was actually attractive. Not supermodel attractive, but she was not hideous.

Same as earlier. Use description so the reader can conclude that she is attractive. Just saying she was attractive doesn't make for engaging writing.

He was a very handsome older man, gray hair to signify his age, yet his brown eyes betrayed his age for those eyes signified a youthfullness not yet spent.

Yeah, this is better. There should be lines like this, or more, for every new person the narrator comes across. The reader will be more immersed that way. I have a much clearer understanding of Randy than any other character thus far.

Suddenly, the man before her began to choke to death. He writhed around on the floor, flailing his limbs as though he was dancing to some popular song.

I know what you're going for, but now I'm laughing because I'm picturing somebody dying to "Fire Burning on the Dance Floor."

People entered the room, surrounding the man who was obviously dead, and she slipped away from there.

She made her way down the hallway and toward the elevator Just as she pressed the button, the door opened and guards stepped out. Surprisingly, they ignored her and moved past her to make their way toward the man who had died in front of her.

The elevator ride down was peaceful. Too peaceful. There were no interruptions.

To be honest I'm kind of confused. The lack of any sort of emotional reaction from the narrator doesn't make sense to me. She watched somebody she personally knows die right in front of her, and she has no immediate reaction. She slips out and then has a peaceful elevator ride. Unless she murdered him, but the rest of the chapter doesn't seem to imply that.

. . . a woman who seemed to know something in reference to knowledge

This is redundant.



Overall, it's good. You have a good story going and I am definitely curious as to what is happening and why it's happening. I think your biggest weakness is the lack of description. You want the reader to feel like they're part of your story. The point of first-person narration is for the reader to be as heavily immersed in your world as possible, as well as to convey all the thoughts and emotions running through the narrator's head. At times it feels like I'm on the outside looking in, which is not a comfortable or engaging position for the reader. Also, if you add more life and description to everything your narrator encounters, you'll be able to fill paragraphs as opposed to only having one or two sentences per line.

Be sure to post more so I can read it!