looking at toilet paper after wiping

[Whateverist]

Okay so I have a poop story from today and I figure, why not share it with the rest of the pooper scoopers on AF?











It's fairly hilarious. 














(Wasn't at the time)











DO NOT OPEN IF U CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

---

Today I went to see my doctor whose office is in Downtown Denver off of Colfax. Appx 2hrs (with heavy traffic) drive from my house in South Denver.








 

I know it was two hours in heavy traffic because I was counting.












Every. Single. Minute.



















Why, you may ask?



















Ohhhh I think you know. 















Because POOP, that's why. 



















Loots and lots sssssssss of poop. 
















I don't eat out much, but being as I was nauseous, naturally we stopped at Chic fil A for some much needed lunch.












About ten minutes later my stomach starter talkint, and all it could say was nope nope nope nope nope oh shit nope, etcetera..

















I blame Chic fil A Jesus. 

















So. Ontop of finding out I had a fever whilst at the hospital, now I'm on my way home with uber stomach cramps and a rabid wolf growling in my stomach! 















I don't know if you know this but unicorns don't like going potty in public. 
















So I decided to tough it out till we got home.










My intestines were cramping so hard I think the cars next to me probably  thought I was in labor, if they looked.














No joke! My hands were splayed out on the "oh shit" handle and the dashboard, I had one foot up to hopefully let the gas baby out if it wanted to be born.. sweating like crazy and I was slightly delerious, yelling at mom about which way was the fastest way home! 











By now it's too late. 
 "Just in case", I say, I shove a plastic bag into my pants. 














So we are driving, I'm moaning.. and my Mom, who had just had a suicidal bout over the weekend -- points to a
Cemetery out the window and asks, "how many dead people do you think are in there?"

I'm  like, ummm mom not now I'm having a poo baby here!
Without missin a beat she goes, "All of them!"











Silence. 















Then I crack up laughing.












HaRd.



















And when I do..












Well, you know. Poop.















That was it, we finished the ride home in silence with the windows down.


Fin

---

---

There. Am I part of the poop club now?

All I can say is ...

---

Poop, poop, pee doo(doo)!

---

---

it's disturbing enough so many of you check out your soiled TP before flushing it . . .

Right? I don't do that shit. Should I vote? 

I wipe once, maybe twice. Then baby wipe it and call it a day. 

Granted like if I am having a medical issue like collitis or something I HAVE to look and check, but that's for a good reason! 

Y'all need some booty wipes

---

Baha I'm the only one???

My wife can get away with a wipe or two, tops.  She has no carpet in her crack, unlike Vorlon and C_L.