I really should get going...

[tykobrian]

Man I really ought to go ahead and be done with it. It’s been like… two months since I’ve registered here? I wasn’t even lurking or anything. I guess talking about this is so very new to me that I needed time to gather my thoughts.

So greetings to anyone reading this. I’m glad I finally mustered up the courage to join a forum of like-minded people. I’m from Bangladesh. I come from a Muslim family. When it comes to following the religion, I’d say we’ve always been pretty… moderate. Things like praying 5 times a day, fasting in the month of ramadan, avoiding pork and alcohol are the things we meticulously follow. But things like adhering to a conservative dress code, avoiding people of opposite gender, music, tv-movies etc. was never a thing in our family. Most of the people I know also simply adhere to the parts of Islam that are perceived to be so synonymous to the religion that not doing so would break their image of being a religious person. But yeah, conservative attire, especially for women is on a rise here. I am genuinely surprised how this generation is becoming more and more invested in this religion.

Anyway, enough about others. What about me, though? Well looking back, I was never really on board. When I was very young, I almost tried to convince myself to be… well, convinced because I wondered how could so many older and more educated people believe if there’s really nothing to it! I thought maybe I didn’t know enough about religion to be convinced. Then there’s the fear of being totally isolated by rejecting islam which is thought to be the only right path to life to people around me. But still when I was around 12, I just couldn’t lie to myself about buying any of this. But even then I knew that sharing my doubts with people around me was not an option. So from then til now I’ve tried my very best not to create any red flags. For example, I have to pretend to pray five times a day when at home, as a show to my father. My mother knows I don't pray but she's ok with it because she thinks it's for me to choose, which is weird on it’s own because she never misses her prayers. My younger brother does the same, but I haven't had the courage to discuss with him his view on religion. He’s most probably in a limbo just like me. When I used to be in my University (college?) dorm, I didn't pray and everyone "close" to me obviously knew about it. Two of my roommates once invited me to start praying with them but I managed to wiggle out of that. At present I'm working in a bank and almost everyone there is muslim and says their prayers. All this pretending for years on end is starting to get to me so I've decided not to do so in my workplace. I didn’t in my previous job either and maybe once my cubicle mate commented about it, but that was it. But here some people have started noticing and they have advised me to pray and reminded me of the so called punishments Allah would have in store for me if I didn’t. There's one particular guy who's more like a mullah (but also sleazy??) and he's more or less made it his mission to convince me to pray 😒. I had a co-worker who also didn't pray but recently she started to as well. And now she even asked me if I had any specific reason for not praying. Oh and I have to pretend to participate in ramadan fasting no matter where I am because I figure that'd be a definite red flag. So basically, my whole life so far has been a carefully constructed act.

So this makes me think sometimes, do I have anyone truly close to me? Well the obvious answer is of course, no lol. We are estranged from the relatives from my Mom’s side and I never really kept in touch with my cousins because my father has this weird kind of formal relationship with his siblings? And as for friends, well I really don’t have any to be honest. But it’s not that I’ve never made any or something. It’s just that it’s really really exhausting keeping up a façade all time, or more like being on guard all the time. Well I guess that was the case when I was in University and Islamic practice was getting more and more prevalent in young adults but I digress. When I was younger, I’ll have to say the main reason the friendships didn’t last was because besides study there was not much else common among us, if that makes sense. Oh I should mention before University I exclusively had my education with other girls (it’s the common picture in the country). Anyway, like I was saying, I was always considered to be a nerd among my friends. I was somewhat good in my studies and I wasn’t into the things other girls were. Then right around when I was in university there was a very noticeable rise in… more rigid practice of Islam, especially among the young adult population. And to be honest at that time I felt myself to be more self-aware about keeping my beliefs vague around my classmates and friends. I think you guys pretty much know about the situation of Bangladesh ­with regards to the uprising of violent acts in the name of Islam? Well I never thought it would escalate so quickly. Two of my then ‘closest’ friends were starting to get into more conservative ideas of Islam. Although none of the people I know ever openly called for the death of non-believers or anything, but deep down they did show distrust towards them and thought the atheists killed for allegedly insulting Islam were asking for it.

Well on top of that during my University days having the chance to be with myself and away from my family helped me become more introspective and very long overdue realization came upon me: that I’m exclusively attracted to people of my own gender. I didn’t hate myself for this or the idea of same-sex attraction or anything, it’s just that I was never able to connect the dots and not knowing about the concept of same-sex attraction or LGBT people didn’t help either.

So now I have two ‘secrets’ which are considered to be grave sins by Islam. This was the time it truly hit me that this limbo situation will definitely not last forever. The first shoe dropped about a year after my postgrad when I was still looking for a job. It’s the time when my father and my aunts were thinking that I should get married. It’s how things go here- it’s considered ideal for women to tie their knot well before their thirties. Well before coming to terms with my sexuality I never imagined myself being married. Also, the traditional marriage roles didn’t interest me at all. On top of that I’d never think of playing pretend muslin and straight for the rest of my life just to keep myself out of trouble. So I had to come out to my eldest aunt and request her to put a stop to the marriage talks. She was dumbfounded to learn of my sexuality but agreed in the end. I guess it helped that she’d heard of LGB people and understood what I said, although I get the impression she hopes I’ll come around eventually and it’s a temporary setup. My Mom on the other hand doesn’t understand these at all and when I had come out to her earlier she kinda brushed it off and said that I was confused. Anyway, methinks another round of marriage talk is definitely around the corner. Almost one and a half year has passed from that fateful day and I’ve also got myself into a well-paying job which society thinks to be more than enough for a woman to start seriously thinking about marriage. I have absolutely no idea what I’m gonna do that time.

So as time goes by, a collection of thoughts and realizations constantly hit me. If I don’t want to live a pretend life til death, there is no place for me here: in this society, this country and if we’re being honest, in this subcontinent. People around me and I, we fundamentally have different ways of viewing the world and our purpose. I’ve accepted that I’ll have to find a way to get the hell away but I am stuck at the how.

So aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. Looking back this is probably the very first time I’ve talking about all this. I’ve been pretty much a lurker both online and IRL. Maybe I was caught up in the fear of getting exposed somehow. But honestly it’s high time I stop looking from afar and join in myself. I think it’ll be great to finally discuss things openly with people or even belonging in a place where I won't have to put up an act.

Cheers! 

(edit: typo)