But how good are we really??

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I have killed a shit load of people, mostly those were trying to kill me, or would have tried if I'd have given them the least chance. But if you ask the people who know me IRL they'd say I was  a good person. They say it often enough to me.

I get the same.  People thank me for what I've done without asking what I did...and if i ever tell them...they come up with reasons -for- me.  I don't know about you, but the strangest thing for me is realizing that by most other peoples standards (at least the people in my social circle) I'm a boy scout, a walking saint.  The kid nextdoor.  I watch them agonize over their own moral status while giving me a pass to do..it seems..pretty much anything.

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself (but at the same time ther's a part of me that doesn't give a single fuck)....but every year, I get a holiday and a bunch of flag waiving and people say horrible shit that they probably think I agree with about what I did, about who I am and who I'll always be...and on the inside I;m positively dying but I don't have the heart to take it from them.

I've learned to surf over that shit. Just "woulda, coulda, shoulda, don't matter now." It helps me.