Aziz Ansari Doesn't Pick Up On "Non-Verbal Cues" and Gets Treated Like A Rapist

[LadyForCamus]

But the main thing was that he wouldn’t let her move away from him. She compared the path they cut across his apartment to a football play. “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”

I’m confused here.  Did she call out to anyone?  Did she tell him to stop putting his fingers in her mouth?  Did she demand he let her go home?  What does she mean by, “wouldn’t let her”?  Why not use words to the effect, “he dragged me back to his apartment against my will”?  Maybe...because that’s not what happened?

“Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,” she said. “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold

“Most” of her communication was...mumbling, pulling away, and not moving her lips? Why not just tell the guy to stop?  Why risk him not understanding your ambiguous cues?  Why not simply be clear about what you want, and what you don’t want?  And it seems, that the alleged victim herself, can’t even say for sure whether he didn’t notice her cues, or simply didn’t care:  

Whether Ansari didn’t notice Grace’s reticence or knowingly ignored it is impossible for her to say. “I know I was physically giving off cues that I wasn’t interested. I don’t think that was noticed at all, or if it was, it was ignored.”

Ansari wanted to have sex. She said she remembers him asking again and again, “Where do you want me to fuck you?” while she was still seated on the countertop. She says she found the question tough to answer because she says she didn’t want to fuck him at all.

Why was it a hard question for her if she already knew the answer?  “Nowhere, because I don’t want to have sex with you” probably would have worked just fine.

Grace says she spent around five minutes in the bathroom, collecting herself in the mirror and splashing herself with water. Then she went back to Ansari. He asked her if she was okay. “I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said.

Funny she chose those words instead of, “I’m afraid you’re going to try and force me. I’m scared.  I’m going home.”  Does she go home though?  No.  She sits down next to him, and hopes he’ll rub her back.  Wait...

This moment is particularly significant for Grace, because she thought that would be the end of the sexual encounter — her remark about not wanting to feel “forced” had added a verbal component to the cues she was trying to give him about her discomfort. When she sat down on the floor next to Ansari, who sat on the couch, she thought he might rub her back, or play with her hair — something to calm her down.

Ansari instructed her to turn around. “He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable.”

Why does she feel pressured when she hasn’t even told him no, or stop?  She engages in consensual oral sex here.  Talk about mixed signals.  Men are not mind readers.  

Halfway into the encounter, he led her from the couch to a different part of his apartment. He said he had to show her something. Then he brought her to a large mirror, bent her over and asked her again, “Where do you want me to fuck you? Do you want me to fuck you right here?” He rammed his penis against her ass while he said it, pantomiming intercourse

“I just remember looking in the mirror and seeing him behind me. He was very much caught up in the moment and I obviously very much wasn’t,” Grace said. “After he bent me over is when I stood up and said no, I don’t think I’m ready to do this, I really don’t think I’m going to do this. And he said, ‘How about we just chill, but this time with our clothes on?’”

Finally!  Her first semi-assertive verbalization regarding consent!  And how does he respond?  By listening, backing off, and getting dressed.  

While the TV played in the background, he kissed her again, stuck his fingers down her throat again, and moved to undo her pants. She turned away. She remembers “feeling in a different mindset at that point.”

She hasn’t exactly been straightforward about what she ACTUALLY wants up until this point. She just gave the guy a blow job, and now she’s sitting on the couch with him.  

“I remember saying, ‘You guys are all the same, you guys are all the fucking same.’” Ansari asked her what she meant. When she turned to answer, she says he met her with “gross, forceful kisses.”

After that last kiss, Grace stood up from the couch, moved back to the kitchen island where she left her phone, and said she would call herself a car. He hugged her and kissed her goodbye, another “aggressive” kiss. When she pulled away, Ansari finally relented and insisted he’d call her the car. “He said, ‘It’s coming, but just tell them your name is Essence,’” she said, a name he has joked about using as a pseudonym in his sitcom.

I think he’s terrible at assessing non-verbal cues, and she was absolutely terrible about communicating herself clearly.   Shitty date?  Yeah. Was he being pushy, self-involved and unempathetic?  Sure.  I still don’t see where the assault happened.  We aren’t talking about an adult and a teenaged girl here. She wasn’t wasted out of her mind, or drugged up. He never threatened her in any capacity. She’s an autonomous, adult woman. If a guy is being pushy and you don’t like it, push back. Don’t leave anything open for interpretation. Why would you?