Ask someone with Asperger's syndrome.

[Edwardo Piet]

Yes, I've been accused of doing that by people who know me IRL. Nobody wants to hear a guy incessantly analyze the most trivial matters in life, so they've either bluntly told me to shut up (usually family, lol) or they'll change the subject and move on to something else, which irks me even more (because the urge to analyze is still there and it's itching so badly).

Fuck this sounds like my life story lol.

My partner, on the other hand, she just asks for a hug ... that quiets me down for some reason.

Awww she sounds really nice.

Do you struggle in group conversations and are better at one on ones? I sure as hell do. In a group I'm either the only one who isn't talking and has no idea when it's his turn to speak... or I'm the only one talking and I'm feeling really anxious worrying if I'm talking too much and need to shut the fuck up and worrying if I'm making too many jokes. And then I make one and no one laughs. Etc. Lol.

Most of the time I just spend the entire time quiet but thinking about some joke I want to make but never getting around to making it and never feeling like I have any spot where I can jump in and make it.

If you get the diagnosis, how will that make you feel? And if it turns out you don't?

To be honest for a long while I've felt like I won't feel any different either way.... but more lately I'm really hoping I get the diagnosis (if and only if I really do have Asperger's or high functioning autism of course).

The reason why I'm hoping I do is I'm just so tired of struggling all my life with things and not knowing why. So to just have some kind of explanation and possible support, and hell, maybe even make some friends (outside the internet I don't have any friends) because I can join autism and Aspie groups, etc.... it will just make my life so much easier.

If it turns out I don't have Asperger's or high functioning autism... the only plus side is that's one more thing ruled out that I don't have. It's back to square one. Because there definitely has to be some explanation for my struggles otherwise I'm going to spend my whole life where the doctors just keep telling me that I "definitely have mental problems that are very real" even if they have no idea what causes them "just because we don't have a label for your condition doesn't mean it doesn't exist".... "you have mental health problems but not a mental health condition". "You have a mental health condition but not a mental illness." "Maybe you have a condition that is actually unique to you and no one else has". "I think that telling someone that they have a personality disorder makes them feel like there's something wrong with themselves as a person so I prefer not to use personality disorder labels."

These are all things that have been said to me by professionals. GPs and psychs, mind you. None of them know anything about autism. My psych actually said that he knew nothing about it.

I've had both of my assessments already at this point. By autism specialists. The screening assessment and the main assessment. Now I'm just waiting on my mom's assessment with them as they need information about my childhood from her. And she's the only person who can really give that (haven't seen my dad since 2006, don't want to).

So overall, I just want the searching for the explanation and diagnosis for my condition to end, to be honest. I don't want to be told all my life by the doctors that I have very real problems and struggles but no diagnosis for them and maybe I have some condition completely unique to me. I can't deal with that... it makes me feel wayyyyyyy too alone.

I like unique, but not that kind of unique. I'll be very happy if it turns out I have Asperger's and I'm not just someone with some condition no one else has.

My psychiatrist, who as I said, says he knows nothing about autism, has said that after 7 years of being diagnosed with bipolar it was definitely a misdiagnosis and he doesn't like to use the term "nervous breakdown" but he thinks that's definitely what I had 3 times regardless of the fact he can't find a diagnosis or explanation for why I had those breakdowns. He says that I am far more sensitive to stress than the average person but unfortunately there's no such thing as acutely-sensitive-to-stress-syndrome.

Not long ago I told a mental health support worker or social worker (something like that, I forget her exact job title) about this.... and when I said "But he says that unfortunately there's no such thing as acutely-sensitive-to-stress-syndrome) she said "Yes there is and it's called autism."

She also said that she is certain I have Asperger's and she thinks I will end up with a diagnosis, just after 30 minutes of knowing me. She has a son who has Asperger's.

So either I get my diagnosis and it's like "Okay now I finally know why I struggle like this and I may be able to get some support with my struggles rather than just having incorrect mood stabilizers thrown at me"..... or I don't and it's like "back to square one and back to doctors telling me there's something wrong but they don't know what it is."

I'm sorry if my answer was wayyyyyyyy too long and I rambled far too much.

If you really read this far and didn't skip any of my rambling, then thank you very much

If not that's fine too

Of course, the reality of it all is, whether I get diagnosed or not... I still have all the same problems and symptoms even if they're not autistic problems or symptoms of autism. To just have some kind of explanation for my struggles would be nice, provided it's the correct explanation. It's not like if I don't get diagnosed I won't still have very similar struggles to autistic people and it's still severe enough for my doctors to say that I definitely have very real mental health problems and struggles and I'm not fit for work because I wouldn't cope or might have another breakdown.

If I don't get diagnosed it's like "Okay so I still have the exact same problems and all I've learned from this is that whatever it is it isn't autism."

"Okay now I finally know why I struggle like I do. It turns out I have autism." is much more relieving.