Back on the horse, for now

[Cyberman]

Wow, two pages already! Thanks one and all for the welcome. Also, good to see you too, Min, and thanks for the referral. It's a little daunting, breaking in a new forum with new faces; having some familar names around helps considerably. And I had rather a soft spot for EvilBible, in a perverse sort of way. It was after all one of the places where I learned my fighting skills, even if Chris did tend to take our toys away before we'd broken them properly.

Of course, you all know I wasn't going to let this pass without comment:

Depression hey, life would be depressing with out God. God is such a positive force in my life I can't imaging being with out him. But I would not wish depression upon any one. I have been through that myself. I mean life can get really tough at times and often people around you don't understand it.

As you have already experienced depression, I have no need to tell you what it's really like. However, the sales pitch at the head of your reply was more than a little inappropriate; I don't consider the subject an opportunity for anyone to preach at me. Hell, I've managed up to now not to have anyone even offer to pray for me ("Oh, to be in England!"). Thus, after asking you please not to do that again, I offer the following purely for elucidation.

Have you ever woken up in the morning and your first thought has been "Oh fuck no, I'm still alive"? Do you know what it's like to simply exist, rather than live? I can't recall the last time I ate food, as opposed to just light snacking to 'keep the grubs away' as we say around my way (oh wait, yes I can. It was last Saturday, on my birthday; my family ordered a Chinese meal and I picked at a little of that.) In fact, I cannot remember much of anything before yesterday - each day, my memory prior to about 36 hours before fades into a fog. This is the reason why I have been a member here for over a year, yet have no memory of it before yesterday. I haven't slept more than about ten hours in the past week; as I type this, I'm having trouble even seeing the keyboard, let alone the screen. I don't go out anymore, I just can't face it. Often, all I want is to fade away. The instinct for self-preservation on which we all rely without a thought is switched off in me; for instance, my immediate thought when crossing a busy street is not "I'd better wait until it's safe" but "None of this traffic is moving fast enough to do any good". I have been declared medically and psychologically unfit for work - and I used to be a career civil servant, working in a central (as opposed to local) government office. I think we can agree that this is perhaps just a gnat's cock more severe than "life's really tough". I know what life is, thank you very much; I see how vast and empty and ugly it all is, and I also see the total absence of positive forces beyond those of nature or any which we may make for ourselves. And I see no point in doing that anymore.

So although I accept the sentiment you expressed in the manner in which I'd like to believe you offered it, please forgive me for not sharing it.

I can remember my brother telling me "Pull your self together", "Get a grip", but he had the perfect life.

I too have had people telling me that. I cut each and every one of them out of my life.

Myself I have become an optomist, I see God at work in my life

Maybe you should become an optometrist instead? (Sorry; couldn't resist a feed like that.)

and I think I can not fail to have a good out come. I don't need the lure, I am hooked, line hook and sinker.

There are many things I could say in reply to this, but as I have little wish to alienate or pick on anyone at this early stage (and certainly not in an intro thread), all I will say is: remember the Dodo.

Edit: I've just taken a quick stroll through some of your posts on other threads, F&AH, so although you get a free pass here - for the moment - I hope you don't expect the gloves to stay on in any other context.