RE: Santa and Other Lies to the Kids
August 23, 2018 at 2:29 pm
(This post was last modified: August 23, 2018 at 2:56 pm by The Grand Nudger.)
I lie to my kids! I lie so viciously to my kids.
I go above and beyond the call of duty. The rabbits in our creek..are "bunny scouts", under the direction of their unit commander, the easter bunny. They're forward observers. Not only do they provide intel on my childrens behavior to their commanding officer, he..in turn, passes it up the chain to Santa Claus. Who both gives (and takes away) presents. Up to and including any of their pets that get run over or find new homes.
I eat the cookies and drink the milk. I climb up on the roof and shake bells and stomp and hohoho..and then..when they pop out of bed..I play it off in wide eyed wonder.
"You heard what? You saw what? I think I may have heard that too!" I even have my brother in law call on the phone and pretend to be santa.
I reenforce their belief that their granny is a witch..and I maintain to this day that they were each dropped on our doorstep by a bird. Not a stork, mind you, a turkey buzzard.
We light dozens of pumpkins and leave them out in our field..and I put little cakes on a plate for the ghosts they guide in..like runway lights.
I tell them so many stories, and provide so many conflicting magical accounts of events and causes and monsters and fairies (not mutually exclusive..the tooth fairy is a favorite of mine) that sometimes..they laugh their asses off at the absurdity of it all.
IDK what the end product of it will be, but thsufar..it's created moments of rare insight for children, and things that just make me smile and smile and smile. My kids believe that they live in a magic forest..but they also believe that they can't trust a damned word out of my mouth about magic. Good for them. I'll ask this, though..if they know they can't trust me on the subject..and I'm the most trustworthy thing in their lives..if they realize that the entire subject is inherently suspect...what are the odds that some random asshole is going to convince them that some other rando died and rose for their sins?
Some examples of the more ecclectic lies I've told or misconceptions I've reenforced.
My eldest asked me why people put plus signs all over the road.
-Math cult who liked adding numbers... and floral arrangements...and that the plus signs kept people from crashing their cars.
My youngest saw a raccoon out his window, and came bursting through the hallway, happy "Daddy, daddy, there's a baby werewolf in the yard!"
-Sure is son...remember, they can't come in unless you invite them..and if you let them in they'll eat every cherry starburst in the house!
Eldest son got an infection under his fingernail
-You've got the Z. Before long you'll be eating brains and stumbling around the bathroom. (he chased his siblings around all day trying to touch them, lol)
.....I convinced my youngest daughter....that kittens grew on trees...and were calling her name when they meowed...because she's queen of cats (and all of you).
What I'm saying, is that there's no lie too big or too small for me to foist on their asses.
I go above and beyond the call of duty. The rabbits in our creek..are "bunny scouts", under the direction of their unit commander, the easter bunny. They're forward observers. Not only do they provide intel on my childrens behavior to their commanding officer, he..in turn, passes it up the chain to Santa Claus. Who both gives (and takes away) presents. Up to and including any of their pets that get run over or find new homes.
I eat the cookies and drink the milk. I climb up on the roof and shake bells and stomp and hohoho..and then..when they pop out of bed..I play it off in wide eyed wonder.
"You heard what? You saw what? I think I may have heard that too!" I even have my brother in law call on the phone and pretend to be santa.
I reenforce their belief that their granny is a witch..and I maintain to this day that they were each dropped on our doorstep by a bird. Not a stork, mind you, a turkey buzzard.
We light dozens of pumpkins and leave them out in our field..and I put little cakes on a plate for the ghosts they guide in..like runway lights.
I tell them so many stories, and provide so many conflicting magical accounts of events and causes and monsters and fairies (not mutually exclusive..the tooth fairy is a favorite of mine) that sometimes..they laugh their asses off at the absurdity of it all.
IDK what the end product of it will be, but thsufar..it's created moments of rare insight for children, and things that just make me smile and smile and smile. My kids believe that they live in a magic forest..but they also believe that they can't trust a damned word out of my mouth about magic. Good for them. I'll ask this, though..if they know they can't trust me on the subject..and I'm the most trustworthy thing in their lives..if they realize that the entire subject is inherently suspect...what are the odds that some random asshole is going to convince them that some other rando died and rose for their sins?
Some examples of the more ecclectic lies I've told or misconceptions I've reenforced.
My eldest asked me why people put plus signs all over the road.
-Math cult who liked adding numbers... and floral arrangements...and that the plus signs kept people from crashing their cars.
My youngest saw a raccoon out his window, and came bursting through the hallway, happy "Daddy, daddy, there's a baby werewolf in the yard!"
-Sure is son...remember, they can't come in unless you invite them..and if you let them in they'll eat every cherry starburst in the house!
Eldest son got an infection under his fingernail
-You've got the Z. Before long you'll be eating brains and stumbling around the bathroom. (he chased his siblings around all day trying to touch them, lol)
.....I convinced my youngest daughter....that kittens grew on trees...and were calling her name when they meowed...because she's queen of cats (and all of you).
What I'm saying, is that there's no lie too big or too small for me to foist on their asses.
I am the Infantry. I am my country’s strength in war, her deterrent in peace. I am the heart of the fight… wherever, whenever. I carry America’s faith and honor against her enemies. I am the Queen of Battle. I am what my country expects me to be, the best trained Soldier in the world. In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win. Never will I fail my country’s trust. Always I fight on…through the foe, to the objective, to triumph overall. If necessary, I will fight to my death. By my steadfast courage, I have won more than 200 years of freedom. I yield not to weakness, to hunger, to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds, For I am mentally tough, physically strong, and morally straight. I forsake not, my country, my mission, my comrades, my sacred duty. I am relentless. I am always there, now and forever. I AM THE INFANTRY! FOLLOW ME!
