Based off a post I made here: On the subject of Hell and Salvation
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So yeah, anyone want to ad to my list of ways, this is for humor guys, seriously take a joke.
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Quote:The concept of Heaven and Hell has always been a slippery slope on purpose. It's so that they can claim by doing as they say, preacher man/women I mean, and you will in turn come to the pearly gates. Turns out, life in much more complicated than that. (No shit Jade!). But in all seriousness, here are just SOME of the rules I have heard in regards to getting to 'Heaven' and getting out of 'Hell'. (Not in any order.)
1. Repenting, basically degrading yourself form time to time in front of a preacher, who you may swear is getting a boner will you kneeling in front of him (Joke). And confessing your sins to him and before God/the alter with the cross on it, be them real or imaginary to you. (This seems to be the main way you get to heaven)
2. Money!!! (Insert over use meme here) By paying Televangelists or the church you go to, you are given repentance as you helped your church, which is good pot brownie point sin gods eyes, *Cough* I mean brownie points! Yeah that's what I meant! Or cookies, that's always good too! God don't judge your sweet preference! At least I hope not.
3. Bible study, by reading this book you could possibly kill your rival with if you hit them hard enough or stash your pot in, God sees it as you are studying his word. So more sweet points! (Though I have to say now, it's unsure how many points you need to get into Heaven, the game is a bit glitchy.)
4. Actually going to church, by just merely walking through the doors, and/or being blessed with that strange smelling, yellow oil and sitting for at leas ta few minuets, you seem to gain more points and the church will start to 'help save' your soul
5. Prayer Circle! On the off chance you lose points, don't fret, just got to your local church, confess again, and Pray Circle! By having ever sweaty, clammy, and very touchy hand on you *Eyes old guy next to me*, their 'goodness' and 'faith' will spread to you and you will somehow achieve mega points! MORE POT BROWNIES/COOKIE YA'LL! We are on a roll here!
6. Becoming a preacher, yeah for some odd reason or another just by making yourself a religious leader, be that cult like or not, you automatically gain entry into heaven regardless of what you do in life. So long as you keep preaching the 'word' or whatever that may be. (Not sure why most people don't do this one more often, it's rather easy.)
7. Becoming any helper, with high standing, in the church gives you more points. Be that a Sunday school teacher, as you are helping the ignorant youth be saved in the off chance they get into a car accident or swallow too many marbles. Or even just being a frequent music singer for the church, lead everyone along in those very repeating sounding songs, that I swear are just the same tune with different lyrics.
8. Just merely believing you are going to heaven and proclaiming it loudly enough seems to work, at least that's how most churches I go to are like. Regardless if they believe in preset destiny/ no free will or not.
and 9. (Maybe I should have stopped as the magic number si- *Couch* 7, oh well whatever) Baptism, nearly drowning in a water, be it at birth or later in life, somehow will wash away that bad juju smell and make you a clean a catfish before entering into the pearly gates. Just as long as you don't mind the cold water and possibly standing in church members pee from time to time
I could keep going on, but I've run out of sarcasm for the night, I can't sleep so I'm up at like 6 in the morning doing this when I have to be in work in four hours. Lovely isn't it!
As for how they can condemn people to hell, that one is easy, by doing so they keep having people coming back to be saved and get their pot brownies. Truth be told, in my opinion, getting to heaven can be as simple and as hard as a person makes it or how your church/religious group make sit for you. And we honestly won't know until we die, until your a Calvinist in which you think your fate is already set regardless of what you do! So that's good I guess!
Anyone want to add to the growing list, actually maybe I should making this a thread!
So yeah, anyone want to ad to my list of ways, this is for humor guys, seriously take a joke.
