RE: When your self is expressed in a single webpage. . .
April 15, 2019 at 11:14 am
(This post was last modified: April 15, 2019 at 11:20 am by bennyboy.)
Yes, I've watched Bojack, and like it.
I noticed what you're saying about that article, but actually I think that conflict represents me well-- IMO it's not mutually exclusive, it's more like different faces of the same fundamental issue.
My life pretty much reads like a case study of that entire page. When I was young, I had all kinds of special privileges and opportunities given to me, largely because of my confidence. In high school, I worked on a boat making $20 / hr (1990 dollars, mind you). I was a sales manager just before 19, went to college and got invited to Masters' classes outside my discipline, got offered a plane ticket and free rent to work in Korea straight out of college. If I followed up on ANY of those great chances, just one would probably have set me on a pretty good path for life.
But I also have an allergy to following through. As soon as I got any recognition for anything, I had to try something new. It's like as I near completion on a project, the world starts weighing down heavier and heavier. I quit my sales job, which saw me make like $50k still in my teens, because I had a dream about playing piano-- which I couldn't. So I quit the job and practiced piano 8 hours a day to get into college, transferred to a top university in Canada on a great recommendation from my profs, and ended up a moderately popular local composer and one of the youngest TAs-- but as soon as I started getting invited to seminars and stuff, I got cold feet and fucked off to Korea. Same thing-- learned programming on my own, made the framework for a phone game, and just had to design levels for it-- literally about 10% of the overall work-- but put that on the backburner, and saw a very similar game come out and do well. (There are videos around here somewhere of a different game I was making in the form of a tutorial series)
If I talk about all the chances I've had, it look very much like hubris. You can see that above. But what's less clear is the deep regret and serious depression, as I struggle to get myself to really achieve any lasting success in anything. I'm pretty sure it's because at the top of any field, you have to commit 100%, and that's something I can't do-- I can't open myself to any arena where I'll risk rejection-- not of the clown face I wear when I'm half-assing things, but the real me. Terrifying. So I have this burning compulsive need to show I'm special-- and an almost total ability to put myself in a situation where my worth might be judged, rendering most of the work I do moot.
This is my current goal-- to finish any project, even a small one, to full completion, and put it out there for criticism. I'll be putting up a couple piano songs soon, and I'm hoping just the act of putting them out for critique will help me to get over that anxiety-- that worry that I might try my best at something and not be considered special in any way at all.
I noticed what you're saying about that article, but actually I think that conflict represents me well-- IMO it's not mutually exclusive, it's more like different faces of the same fundamental issue.
My life pretty much reads like a case study of that entire page. When I was young, I had all kinds of special privileges and opportunities given to me, largely because of my confidence. In high school, I worked on a boat making $20 / hr (1990 dollars, mind you). I was a sales manager just before 19, went to college and got invited to Masters' classes outside my discipline, got offered a plane ticket and free rent to work in Korea straight out of college. If I followed up on ANY of those great chances, just one would probably have set me on a pretty good path for life.
But I also have an allergy to following through. As soon as I got any recognition for anything, I had to try something new. It's like as I near completion on a project, the world starts weighing down heavier and heavier. I quit my sales job, which saw me make like $50k still in my teens, because I had a dream about playing piano-- which I couldn't. So I quit the job and practiced piano 8 hours a day to get into college, transferred to a top university in Canada on a great recommendation from my profs, and ended up a moderately popular local composer and one of the youngest TAs-- but as soon as I started getting invited to seminars and stuff, I got cold feet and fucked off to Korea. Same thing-- learned programming on my own, made the framework for a phone game, and just had to design levels for it-- literally about 10% of the overall work-- but put that on the backburner, and saw a very similar game come out and do well. (There are videos around here somewhere of a different game I was making in the form of a tutorial series)
If I talk about all the chances I've had, it look very much like hubris. You can see that above. But what's less clear is the deep regret and serious depression, as I struggle to get myself to really achieve any lasting success in anything. I'm pretty sure it's because at the top of any field, you have to commit 100%, and that's something I can't do-- I can't open myself to any arena where I'll risk rejection-- not of the clown face I wear when I'm half-assing things, but the real me. Terrifying. So I have this burning compulsive need to show I'm special-- and an almost total ability to put myself in a situation where my worth might be judged, rendering most of the work I do moot.
This is my current goal-- to finish any project, even a small one, to full completion, and put it out there for criticism. I'll be putting up a couple piano songs soon, and I'm hoping just the act of putting them out for critique will help me to get over that anxiety-- that worry that I might try my best at something and not be considered special in any way at all.
