The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

As you may or may not know, for the Deep Hurting Project, I tend to cycle through genres; it currently stands at: Action/Adventure, "Comedy", Drama, Horror, Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Youth, and "Nonfiction". There's also an extra category for the three Christmas movies I haven't gotten to yet (but will once my local library starts putting them back into circulation in the fall), FWIW. The last time I had an action/adventure movie due, it was the week Endgame was released (so long, sweet Thanos). So, I decided that would be the best week to watch the one Marvel movie in the Project that wasn't directed by Josh Trank. Unfortunately, the 1990 Captain America movie was already checked out when I looked for it, so I had to make do with The Legend of Hercules. Fortunately, this time around, it actually was around for me to check it out.

So, was it worth the wait? It's in the Deep Hurting Project, what do you think?

• This movie was made for $10 million, a tiny budget for a superhero movie, even for one that was likely still in principal photography while I was being born. And somehow, it actually looks more shit than Guardians, which had half the budget and that's not even accounting for inflation. Part of this has likely has to do with the poor quality print used (even though the DVD assured us that it was made from the finest elements, and it still looks like it was dubbed from an old VHS), but that doesn't explain everything, like how the special effects (like the rat in the beginning and Cap throwing his shield) look like a low-rent version of Ray Harryhausen.
  
• The first few minutes of the movie is in Italian. Unsubtitled, except for the rare occasions where they decide to actually include them. And it turns out it's the origin of the Red Skull. He's Italian in this version. And they still make him the supervillainous version of the Nazis.
  
  And this change isn't helped that Red Skull has the worst Italian accent this side of Chico Marx.
  
• They may have decided to have the first scenes in unsubtitled Italian to hide from the audience that the script is absolute shit. At one point, they have what has to be the dumbest line of exposition I've ever heard in a movie: a kid is staying up at night to look at the rocket that Captain America is tied to by saying "How do you expect me to sleep, Mom? We're in Washington DC." Seriously. And then in the next scene, his best friend straight-up tells him that he's his best friend. And he namedrops the Human Torch before the Fantastic Four was created.
  
• Also, he's staying up to watch this rocket go through Washington DC and he's the only person to notice, and he's not even afraid. DURING WORLD WAR 2. And it was going to hit the fucking White House.
  
• Somehow, a president is able to pass sweeping environmental regulations and it's the military who's obsessed with undermining it and not big business. And he needs Red Skull to put a dent in its progress, even though the real-world Republican party's blocked as much anti-climate change legislation as possible like they have a vested interest in the world turning into Mad Max.
  
• Speaking of Captain America getting tied to a rocket, Captain America is an absolute shit superhero in this version. This clip should sum it all up:
  
  It's one thing to have him win so many fights that we lose any tension of whether or not he wins, but most of his fights end in Captain America getting defeated or running away. What the shit kind of superhero lets his archnemesis tie him to a rocket to blow up the White House? (To be fair, this did happen in the comic, but Cap was able to untie himself and even attempted to defuse it before falling into the Arctic Ocean.) And what kind of superhero costume includes fake plastic ears? (Okay, I know why, Matt Salinger's actual ears chafed and this solution was somehow better). And it's kind of a shame, since, according to many sources, Matt Salinger (yes, the son of J.D. Salinger) is the only member of the cast who actually gives a decent performance. Unfortunately, as I write this, he hasn't been impressing me yet. Then again, he just got unfrozen, and at the moment, it's 11:35 and I should probably be going to sleep. So, I'll pick this up tomorrow with the last hour of the movie.