Saints With The Best Stories

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

(inspired by the 'made-up saints' thread)

We all know that St George killed a dragon, St Francis got on well with birds, etc.  But which saints have had the absolute coolest  stories (true or not) written about them?

My money's on St Olga of Kiev (10th century).  After her husband was murdered by the Drevlians (who demanded that Olga marry one of their own princes), she agreed and asked the Drevlians embassy to come back to court the next day, at which point she had them buried alive.  Olga then sent a message to the Drevlians that they should send her a party of their 'most distinguished men' to Kiev, to serve as an honour guard to conduct her to the Drevlian court in style.  Unaware of what had happened to the first group, the second group was sent, and Olga promptly had them locked in a bathhouse and burned alive.  But wait - there's more!

Olga sent these poor, gullible saps yet another message, and explained that she had been distraught over her husband's death which accounted for her previous bad behaviour, but that she was better now.  If the Drevlians would prepare great quantities of mead so she could come and hold a funeral feast for her husband, she would marry their Prince Mal.  They did as asked, and Olga showed up with a retinue of servants.  During the feast, the Drevlians passed out from their heavy drinking and Olga and her entourage went about slitting five thousand throats (which I can only imagine was done with something approach joyous abandon).  Olga promptly went back to Kiev and raised an army to finish the job.

The end of the ensuing war was the siege of the city of Iskorosten, which lasted about a year.  Olga sent a message that, if the Drevlians sent her three birds for each house in the city, she'd pack up and go home [insert bad Admiral Ackbar impression here].  She had her soldiers tie small pieces of burning sulfur to the birds and release them.  The birds went back into the city, and promptly set it on fire.  Apparently having learned some restraint, Olga did not kill everyone fleeing the burning city - she killed some, enslaved some, and left the rest alive so there would be someone to pay her tribute.

She is the patron saint of widows, which seems entirely appropriate.

Boru

My kind of woman.

But surely patron saint of pissed off chicks is more apt?

Well, she did all that because they murdered her hubby (who - to be honest - wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer).

And the leader of the enemy should be the patron saint of fucking morons.

St. Gullible The Impressively Trusting?

Boru