The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Seltzer and Friedberg's Disaster Movie. If you're lucky and don't know who they are, Jason Seltzer and Aaron Friedberg (and I might be switching their names, but given that they're the reclusive directors behind a couple of shitty movies, I don't give a shit) are a pair of writers who hit it big by being two of the eight writers behind Scary Movie. This led to the two being allowed to make a series of movies that basically took the Scary Movie formula and drove it straight into the ground. Their process involves taking the hottest cultural trends of the day, and making very obvious jokes about them that could only have been made by people who just saw the trailers and decided to go with what they could find there. These Movies were critically savaged (to the point where Date Movie actually had a DVD commentary explaining why Airplane worked and this film didn't), but the first few at least made their money back... and then Disaster Movie came along.

• Well, we're off to a good start. A caveman gets stepped on, falls into a pile of mammoth shit, and then gets suckered into a fight with some guy called Wolf who's rambling about the red tape of getting shit trademarked. And to be fair, they at least have the decency of not using someone who would have been over exposed when the film was released. Just one who might have been over a decade prior. I really had to look to know who they were parodying.
  
• Amy Winehouse is a saber-tooth who pulls shit out of her hair, and burps for an obscenely long time. The use of her hair as a beehive might have been funny if it hadn't been run into the ground after she pulled a vial of cocaine out of her hair. In real life.
  
• They go through the trouble of cresting a fake Facebook site called FaceNook, and the very next shot involves the caveman saying "Facebook," thus defeating the entire purpose.
  
• Why is Flavor Flav in this guy's bed? "What was that about?" The response to every fucking occurrence in this movie. At least it's not the real Flavor Flav.
  
• Somehow, there's two movies where a main character has a Super Sweet Sixteen despite NOT EVEN BEING SIXTEEN. And even when it happened in Bratz they were well aware of the absurdity.
  
• "Hairy Girls Gone Wild." An that's not even how female body hair works, and- is that Dr. Phil? Other people at this party: Not-Anton-Chigurh, some of the kids from Superbad, and two WCW Divas who decide to play Twister, not-Juno (who has apparently sold her baby to Brangelina), the cast of Diet High School Musical, fake Kayne, the non-Jonas Brothers, not-Jessica Simpson (whose boobs are for Jesus), and not-Fabio.
  
• Just to get a view of their subtler comedy stylings, here's their take on Juno:
  
  
  And that's subtler because it's not just "Look, I'm Juno!" and then some slapstick so they can move onto the next parody.
• Apparently, Hannah Montana comes back from the dead to plug some products.
  
• The fact that they put Hancock in this film really shows the limitations of their process. 
  
• You know, fun fact: before it came out, I saw the trailer and was morbidly curious why the Sex and the City girls would be fighting Juno. It turned out there was no reason, even in context.
  
• And, of course, they get the girls to take their clothes off by claiming their bodies will keep them warm. And there's no reason despite the potential hope that the teenage audience might see some titty. Something they could easily find on the Internet, and in this film, even in the unrated cut (and I know that they drop the ball and ruin references by cleaning them up for a PG-13, but that's no excuse in the unrated version), we don't see anything below the shoulder. Not even the creases and cleavage that would have implied breasts. Seriously, they could have
  
• Didn't they do Narnia in Epic Movie?
  
• So, how can Not-Giselle keep her gown looking pristine when she's homeless and living in the sewers? And why is she suddenly a hairy black guy for like a shot?
  
• So, they get Iron Man, Hellboy, and The Hulk to appear and get hit by a cow in the span of about a minute. Also, it's not like there weren't pre-existing media for them to draw on besides the trailers for their 2008 movies. Or even a readily available movie for Hellboy's continuity.
  
• You know, Drawn Together did the "eating glass" thing better.
  
• And the black guy's smearing peanut butter off his face and using his sneaker as a phone?
  
• ...Somehow, I didn't think that the CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks could look worse than they did, but now this set of obvious puppets are really obviously uncanny. And somehow, the fact that they're singing death metal after a Christmas Carol might have been a setup for a decent joke, but the fact that they couldn't create a second design really telegraphs the twist from a mile away. and FUCK YOU for randomly sneaking in a Shining reference. Yup, this is the worst comedy in the Project. Possibly the worst movie, period.
  
• And they segue into an Head On parody that misses the point by making a commercial that only repeated their slogan three times because it was the only thing they could legally say about it and repeating it was the only way they could advertise it AND keep their commercial hit the 10 second mark go on for over a minute.
  
• Wait, why are evacuation buses a thing when the world is ending?
  
• And they named her Enchanted Princess? And not even a dumb shit like Gazelle or summat? 
  
• And Batman is apparently Louis C.K.
  
• Killing Speed Racer is better than sex with a camel. Well, there's something I never thought I'd say. Also, apparently Michael Jackson's in the trunk with Bubbles and a kid he's apparently beat up (also, from what I've heard of the allegations, beating kids up wasn't really his style.)
  
• And Enchanted Princess has been wearing glass shoes all this time and somehow they only start getting broken when she arrives at the Natural History Museum. Why not let her go barefoot? There is precedent, like Pocahantas, Esmeralda, Ariel (when she has feet), Princess Aurora, and, hell, even Giselle in the animated parts of Enchanted. Unfortunately, Rapunzel would not be revealed to be a barefooter until well after this film was released.
  
• And they get bogged down into wondering whether Beowulf is gay after he threatens to fight them naked (because the movie made him so for reasons I can't find on the Internet.) And then there's a guy in a really shitty Po Kung Fu Panda costume. And FUCK YOU for making me look up whether pandas have "three descending testicles." Yep, I think this is the worst movie I've ever seen.
  
• Apparently, Indiana Jones is a black midget. And a pervert who is apparently the protagonist's dad for some reason.
  
• And the crisis is averted because he puts a skull on a pedestal in the museum of natural history.
  
• I legitimately don't know whether this version of The Love Guru is worse than the actual Love Guru.
  
• And apparently this film made light of Miley Cyrus' bisexuality before it became obvious. And they end with a parody of "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" that turns everyone in the film (and a couple who aren't even in the movie, like Barack Obama) into a huge sex web. And it goes on for fucking ever.
  
• And did they credit not-Juno TWICE?
  
  
  

Yep, it's official, this is the new worst film in the Project. Zero redeeming qualities, not even the ones they ripped off of other movies.