This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Kinky, The 2018 mash-up of 50 Shades of Grey and War Room
- It opens with a really boring driving scene with this woman driving her car in a field, and it's like a slicker version of the same scenes in Manos: The Hands of Fate, but at least I could make out what the singer was singing. It's kind of awkward when the only lyric I can make out is the N-word.
- (2:50) You're talking about the Bible being clear about sex, and you showcase this by talking about The Song of Solomon, a fucking allegoric poem?
- (4:00) What the fuck is going on? Did they include the fucking ad in this upload and didn't bother to warn us?
- (6:00) There have been five distinct scenes in this movie in about as many minutes (not counting the ad) and I have no idea why one of them follows the other.
- (7:30) Did she just drive to work and then back just to go back to the same fucking luncheon she was at like two minutes ago?
- (11:50) Well, we know she's a rich black female surgeon who goes to the gym and church, and also has fantasies about bondage. It would be nice if we knew some more about her character.
- (13:15) You know, the funny thing is I actually have one of these outdoor gym things within walking distance of my house. It's a shame that these scenes keep cutting before I finish what I have to say about them.
- (16:53) And so, we have something resembling a fucking plot: this rich guy who I think used to be on Cousin Skeeter decides to romance our heroine. Goddammit, even Disaster Movie had something resembling a plot by this point!
- (18:42) Why is he sending an entire flower store to a surgeon in a hospital? Why is this a plan that makes sense?
- (19:30) And why is she in therapy now?
- (21:54) She wanted to be a dental hygenist? And why is the first thing I'm thinking is "does she have a spatula tattooed on her arm?"
- (22:35) So, anyway, how's your sex life? And you'd think she'd mention "I'm single" when talking about it.
- (23:30) "In my day, only the men enjoyed sex." "That must be the stone age." ... And I fear this may be an attitude that comes back soon
- (30:00) How do you know I'm the right person? Good fucking question.
- (32:00) Fly-Fishing, the steamiest of bonding activities.
- (34:07) Are they seriously trying to make Hand-washing into foreplay?
- (37:40) So, his being concerned with the woman's sexual well-being is shocking to these women? Why is this movie giving me mixed messages?
- (40:37) Jelly vibrators... jelly vibrators...
- (42:00) So, she's apparently a switch now?
- (48:00) The Personal Trainer has been trying to get his girl to beat the crap out of him for years. There is so much problematic shit I could be saying here, but I won't.
- You know, funny thing, somehow this ended up in the Project, but 50 Shades of Black didn't make the list.
- (56:12) Chocolate chip pancakes, blueberry toppings, and turkey bacon is apparently an exotic breakfast. Going to Walker Bros. would blow their minds.
- (57:00) You know, it's kind of a good question that she stepped right into the bondage so quickly. Isabelle Huppert's character in The Piano Teacher sucked the guy off a couple times before she informed him of her bondage obsession. Then again, it was more all-encompassing.
- Why do I get the feeling I wouldn't be getting any more out of this film even if I actually was into ebony BDSM porn?
- (1:01:20) And we're back to the 1XBET ad? And you know, there's a lot of scenes that just fade to black like a TV movie, is it really necessary to cut a scene in half just to play this ad?
- (1:04:30) And we're suddenly introducing a rival for her affections?
- You know what? How did this movie go from having scenes ending in about a minute to this slow-ass paced dinner interrogation scene?
- (1:30:32) I have no idea why them waiting until the last possible second for our heroine to tell her shrink that she's pregnant and doesn't want her husband to know pisses me off, but it does.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
![[Image: harmlesskitchen.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/yxR97P23/harmlesskitchen.png)
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
