The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Larry The Cable Guy: Witless Protection. I was personally a big fan of the Blue Collar Comedy craze of the mid-aughts, but I ended up outgrowing that sometime around the time the first direct-to-DVD Larry the Cable Guy movie was released. And this was the one that ended his career outside of standup, History Channel reality shows, playing Mater in Cars media, and starring in shittier sequels to shitty family films.

• Is it just me or does this version of "Eye of the Tiger" sound different?
  
• Let's go do some good. What, did someone tie you up in legal issues so you can't say "Git-r-Done"?
  
• So, how does trying to put down a horse lead to something like a hostage situation? Why didn't he just shoot it?
  
• And is he seriously dumb enough to think "girl is being surrounded by men who look like they're Secret Service agents" and think "maybe she's being abducted by bad guys?" And he has a history of going through  these insane raids only to find out that they're completely innocuous. Why are we supposed to give a shit about his plan to save her from these apparent kidnappers?
  
• Wait, Billy Ray Cyrus' star hadn't fallen by 2007?
  
• And of course he's calling not-Cooter while driving. And also abusing his phone. Of course. And he's changing his shirt too. I'm surprised that he doesn't try and cook meth at some point during this drive. 
  
• And he goes through with it, despite her not-so-subtle attempts at rebuffing him. Fun fact: There's a movie called Buffalo 66 about a guy who kidnaps a teenage girl and takes her home to his family and claiming her to be his fiancee. Somehow, that jackass manages to come across as more sympathetic than Larry does here.
  
• Why are they driving backwards? 
  
• "Often wrong, Never in Doubt." In other words:
  
• And he doesn't get the whole concept of "Witness Protection."
  
• So, what movie does Clint Eastwood kidnap an innocent woman?
  
• So he's dumb enough that he doesn't even put the pieces together about the trial he's following on CourtTV and the woman standing before him who admits to being part of it, but smart enough to tell that the Secret Service-looking guys aren't legit from protocol minutuae?
  
• And on second thought, if she's on the way to the trial, how has Larry seen it on CourtTV?
  
• Why does the movement in the shot of Larry getting in his car look so janky?
  
• So, I've known a few Arab guys and none of them talk like Yoda.
  
• And add blatant Islamophobia to the "reasons to not like Larry in this film" counter.
  
• Okay, this has kinda been bugging me, what the fuck is wrong with Yaphet Kotto in this film? Why does he sound like he's got cotton wads in his gums? And why hasn't he made another movie since this?
  
• And he's a misogynist who doesn't know how dumb he is. Why is he the good guy?
  
• And how did he get the time to buy her pajamas and a toothbrush at Walmart without her knowing? 
  
• Okay, so he's not actually going to try and rape her in his sleep and that was her attempt at thwarting her attempt to get the key. So, I guess "not actually a rapist" is one of his good qualities.
  
• God-DAMN that vomit looks fake. Still don't know how he managed to get a full night's sleep and still had the key in his stomach and not his small intestine.
  
• Blah blah, hackneyed airport security jokes, blah blah.
  
• And now they cut to a guy playing polo and hitting his teammates?
  
• So why didn't she try and escape from him while he was getting his body cavity searched?
  
• Fucking Christ, this movie's going to take place in Chicago. And, unlike Lol, they actually FILMED it in Illinois. And that old Roadhouse-style restaurant is a real place in Westmont.
  
  
  
• This villain has the least convincing British accent I've ever heard. This is what you get when you get the Swedish guy from Fargo to pretend to be British.
  
• Also, during a lull in the action, I looked at the DVD case. It advertises Jenny McCarthy on the cover, and it looks like she plays a waitress character who's in the film for about five minutes in the beginning and the end. Honestly, it was hard to recognise her since she doesn't talk about autism being so bad that the comeback of polio is a good thing in comparison.
  
• So Botox is apparently a Romeo and Juliet poison. Why the fuck not?
  
• She goes incognito to an event... by making herself obvious and mingling with the people close to the guys who want to  get her. The Pistachio Disguisey method made even dumber.
  
• I can't be the only one who imagines the aftermath of that guy falling off his horse into some horseshit with "Singin in the Rain."
  
• And somehow, Larry wins by turning a game of polo into "demolition derby with horses." Somehow I get the feeling that he'd be disqualified at some point.
  
• And he goes to a swanky party wearing his camo trucker hat...
  
• And of course Eric Roberts has the location to the McGuffin that will lock up Peter Stormare forever readily accessible on his phone. Of course.
  
• And that was simple, trying to get Yaphet Kotto to play ball while he gets the McGuffin.
  
• So, there's apparently a virus that allows a computer to watch Larry sing "Achy Breaky Heart" and allow NOTHING ELSE to play. 
  
• You know, with all the dated pop culture references, somehow the reference to Cops really stuck with me.