The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, the third installment in the franchise that should never have existed, Norm of the North: King-Sized Adventure. I tried to write this up last night, but a few rogue presses of the tab button caused me to lose all my work about an hour in, so I decided to restart today:

• Well, this is nice; it takes about three minutes for Norm to actually show up. Nice to delay the inevitable, even if it involves exchanges like "the artifact belongs to the people" "but I'm a people."
  
• Somehow, the lemmings' fur texture works looks a hell of a lot better in this film, even as the animation is degrading for everybody else, and for whatever reason, Fong's fur has become a hell of a lot lighter
  
• One of the biggest problems with this film (besides being a Norm of the North film), is that there's a shitton of padding. It starts with Norm naming the colours of the Aurora Borealis, then having Norm repeatedly go over whether or not Olympia and Fong have promised, then explaining what an app is, then epxlaining the properties of the misty mountain glacier (like that it's mountainous and misty), then insisting that he's going to do it alone, having the lemmings try to follow him into the cave even as he insists he has to do it alone, and that's just in the first ten minutes!
  
• Why does Socrates sound like a low-rent James Mason over his comparatively mid-Atlantic dialect in the previous two films? Why do I get the feeling I could do a better James Mason than this guy?
  
• And why would Norm let his son add a UFO tracking app to his phone? And how does one track UFOs which are, by their very definition, unidentified?
  
• You know, the first time I watched this, I was frustrated with how they were trying to railroad the lemmings into the expedition yet again, but this time, I'm a bit more charitable, saying that at least they could be a good food source.
  
• So, the artifact has a computer chip implanted into it?
  
• I'm still legitimately shocked by the fact that the lemmings managed to pee their way through the ice in the cave-in.
  
• Dexter has a pair of komodo dragons named Chaos and Mayhem
  
  
  
• And hearing Olympia call Norm while he's hanging on the helicopter, I just watched an episode of Archer where he calls Lana and asks her to check her bank account while she's suctioned to a skyscraper 30 stories above the ground, and this sounds a lot like that. And she does this multiple times.
  
• Why is "nevertheless" so out of character for a bear to say? 
  
• And Fong apparently had a bunch of #1 fingers laying around in his trunk so the lemmings could point to the artifact.
  
• So, with Norm and the lemmings in the back after Dexter jumped out of the plane, who the fuck is even piloting?
  
• Also, you gotta love the fact that the universe hates Dexter just enough that it lets him think he's going to fall on some sacks, a gust of wind lets him move just onto a pile of dish that's just randomly there.
  
• This seems like a bizarrely convoluted scheme: create a magical artifact that allows the public to witness the treasures of China once every hundred years. Also, why the fuck did the rise of the PRC not disrupt this continuity.
  
• It's just a little over a half of the movie's runtime, and there's been at least four instances where Norm narrowly avoids losing control of the artifact.
  
• You know, the knowledge that Dexter was threatening Chen could have come a bit earlier so it didn't look like he was randomly shifting his opinion of his grandfather's work on a dime.
  
• Also, why does his grandfather look like he's his older brother at the oldest? Or are they just clones of Montgomery Clift, one of which somehow got a genetic mutation that made him look a little more Asian?
  
• You'd think that when the lemmings tied the Komodo Dragons' tongues together, they'd have used a tighter knot.
  
• Now it looks like China has its own answer to the lemmings: snub-nosed monkeys. Fortunately, they seem to be a bit more tolerable. Unfortunately, they vanish after about a minute.
  
• So, how does Chen recognise Dexter when all he's seeing is a helicopter that doesn't even belong to him?
  
  
  
• It's impossible to run a boat on dry land?
  
  
  
• "You take the high road and I'll take the low road" is not a phrase that works for your situation. He flew onto the top of a mountain and you have to climb up it. 
  
• Yep, I've heard worse than Stan's "singing."
  
• You know, if you were going to spend the night raiding this mountain cave that's only open for one night a century, that's going to require a Hell of a lot of centuries.
  
• Why do these treasures look so underwhelming? 
  
• Somehow, Stan's singing in English sounds worse than when he was singing in the language of polar bears.

Well, at least this could have potentially been a decent movie if it wasn't connected to Norm of the North. The fourth movie (because, yes, there is one, and there'll probably be even more) isn't available at the local library, but it is available on Netflix. I may or may not watch it later. Now, I've got to cleanse my palate with some Tarkovsky, because Kino Lorber recently had a sale on select DVDs and Blu-Rays and I got the new Blu-Ray (the 4K restoration) of The Sacrifice.