The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Kim Basinger's 2008 opus While She Was Out. I decided to choose this film because, well, it's actually set during Christmas, making it a perfect for the season. It also features her taking on a gang and turning into a hotter version of Jeff the Killer.

• You know it's a Christmas movie because it starts with kids singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas"
  
• Ah, yes, one of the most annoying Christmas traditions: having your Mom drag you to some random neighbourhood and drive you around to see the Christmas decorations for some reason. And yes, my mother actually did that.
  
• "I'll have to what?" She clearly said you have to fix the doll, you didn't have to beat her.
  
• So, the credits suggest this is supposed to be a horror movie, the conversation the husband has suggests this could be a dark comedy, then it veers into Lifetime Movie of the Week territory.
  
• So, we're devoting this long stretch of time to her just driving, using her cell phone, using her cell phone while driving, and almost crashing her car because she's been using her cell phone while driving. 
  
• Okay, so, fun fact: this movie was based on a short story by Edward Bryant. I have not read it, and, in my quest of trying and failing to find said story, I found a summary on Goodreads that says it's " a gripping and fast-paced thriller that is sure to make you think twice about your next trip to the mall." I'm a bot over a quarter of the way through this movie and, besides the almost-car-crash and some inconvenience in parking, the most consequential thing is Della getting her name misspelled as "Dela" on a coffee cup. Well, that and getting her card declined when she was buying wrapping paper. Hopefully, the first seven pages of the actual story aren't devoted to a bog-standard mall trip.
  
• Wow. They took 23 minutes to get to the main conflict, but once it gets to it, the white gangbanger threatens to aim his gun at her pussy... over a parking dispute. And they shoot the mall cop who tries to de-escalate the conflict. Somehow, I get the feeling that this might not be one of the battles an actual gang would pick.
  
• Also, that has to be the most diverse gang this side of The Warriors: A black guy (with a shirt that says "African American Idol", no less), an Asian guy, a Latino, and a white guy who looks like Anton Chigurh's starting to grow out his hair.
  
• And god-DAMN that was some reckless driving, especially since she crashed her car in a place where she narrowly avoided getting her head impaled on a spike (or a tree or summat, the cinematography isn't clear).
  
• Yeah, no shit, you left a witness after you escalated a dispute over a parking space to murder. And instead of shooting her when you had the chance, you wasted a second bullet on the rent-a-cop. The smart thing would be to de-escalate it and maybe find some more worthy battle to pick.
  
• Little Red Riding Hood? She's a blonde wearing a beige jacket. How the fuck is that Little Red Riding Hood?
  
• What's the point of playing games with her? You've got her surrounded and apparently defenseless. Everyone knows you're going to kill her, including her. So just use that gun. And that just gave her an opportunity to kill the black gang-banger. And you let her go yet again when you had three guys still ready to kill her; even if one stayed behind to make sure he was really dead or just injured, you still had someone else to do it.
  
• "DELLA!" Please stop reminding me of better movies about meatheads abusing mentally ill women.
  
• Fucking Hell, Portishead last week and Joy Division this week? Where will it end? And it's apparently done as a tribute to his fallen black comrade, who I'm not even sure listened to Joy Division in life. And they know it's dumb to play it at full blast, since it could wake up every cop in the county. 
  
• So, like I said, it's based on a short story of about 24 pages. Do we really have to pad it out to 86 minutes (including credits) by long scenes of nothing happening? Maybe if it's at least interesting-looking nothing, but Susan Montford, you are not Bela Tarr and this isn't Satantango.
  
• And apparently, the Asian dude (at least, I think it's the Asian guy, it could be the Latino) has a talent identifying perfumes.
  
• Yes, we get it! Latino guy is Latino!
  
• Jesus God, she's carrying around that big, bulky, toolbox while she's fleeing for her life? And how the fuck did that not alert them to her presence? That shit is noisy! And how did that four-handled tire iron fit in that toolbox? 
  
• And I'm sure some pee fetishist is saddened by the fact that they only imply Kim Basinger is peeing in the river.
  
• So, White Dude's annoyed that Asian Dude doesn't want to confront Kim Basinger without a gun, even though she's ALREADY KILLED HALF OF HIS GANG WITH TOOLS? And not even power tools, just standard ones, like a wrench, a screwdriver, and a tire iron that shouldn't have been able to fit in that toolbox.
  
• Is he STILL underestimating how much she can fuck him up, even as she's killed the rest of his crew? And threatening to kill her kids? And is this all one roundabout attempt at seducing her? 
  
• SOMEBODY KILL SOMEBODY PLEASE!
  
• How did she get to light that flare?
  
• Don't call your wife by her name? Or Honey?
  
• And, of course, the big lesson: Murder as empowerment. Fucking Hell.
  

You know what, next week, I'm going to go back to the YouTube well with Santa's Christmas Elf (Named Calvin), which may have been one of the worst movies of all time, if not for the fact that it lacks one crucial element of motion picture: motion.

Also, I think I'll watch The Christmas Tree as an addendum this week.