RE: The Last Movie You Watched
December 11, 2020 at 5:04 pm
(This post was last modified: December 11, 2020 at 5:04 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week's festive addendum to the Deep Hurting Project is a Christmas special simply called The Christmas Tree. No real backstory, it just aired around Christmas 1991 (on my second birthday, no less) on the USA network before they decided characters were welcome. It was released to video the next year by Family Home Entertainment. The director did some work on SuperFriends before doing this, one of the kids' voice actresses became a reporter for the Buffalo News, the composer did some shit even I have never heard of, and maybe some of the animators did other things. On with the shitshow.
- (0:25) You do know that listing the actors and their roles is usually reserved for the end role
- (1:05) It looks like this is Trump's book of health accomplishments!
- (1:50) Mrs. Hopewell? Why that? And how is that tree supposed to give them parents and take them out of the orphanage?
- (2:23) So, the mayor inspects the orphanage and, seeing two kids in nice clothing, decides it's all good and says:
- (2:37)And the mayor's not supposed to recognise that it's the same dress and suit every time? And we're just going to leave us with these scantily clothed kids?
- (2:57) Holy shit, Mrs. Mavilda's playing by Prince Regent rules from Blackadder the Third
- (4:30) Fucking Hell, the director's worked for professional animators, and several people on the animation team actually worked on Disney Renaissance films, and he thinks this is acceptable.
- (4:56) Follow me ChildrenAnother Thing!
- (5:38) Why are pillow fights, of all things,
- (7:09) Am I the only person who thinks they didn't erase all the lines that are supposed to be erased in a finished drawling?
- (7:27) How do she know that the book has Mrs. Hopewell's story if she can't read?
- (11:25) Why was that pause so long? You cut off the pause between "Follow Me, Children" and "Another thing," but made this pause so long?
- (11:33) Does he just use bags of money as a consistent unit of currency? Is it like the gold coins from John Wick? Is that why he paused? He was having a flashbacks to all the shit he had to do to be able to use them?
- (11:47) And no pause between "Where's Judy" and "There She Is." And are they running the dialogue through a ring modulator?
- (12:56) I think this is the worst children's film I've ever seen. It's not at A Certain Sacrifice levels.
- (14:03) And suddenly, Ring Modulator voice has spread to the children.
- (14:40) Why are they shifting back and forth between being told about Santa and Mrs. Mavilda gambling away her money multiple times in a minute?
- (15:00) Why does that kid sound like she's an adult?
- (16:00) And she's suddenly remembered that she's not supposed to gamble all the children's money away?
- (16:52) Why is she only now concerned at they mayor seeing the children without new clothes? It's not like she only showed off two kids in new clothes that were reserved specifically for the mayor's inspections and she let them play outside before.
- (17:55) Of course she won't understand. She's a fucking tree.
- (18:17) Why is she giving a soliloquy?
- (18:45) What girl from before? Why did we never find out about this?
- (20:02) Since when is Judy the mayor's favourite lady?
- (22:28) I'll teach you to stay behind doors listening to other people's conversations. Said by a woman who decided to stay behind a door and listening to her target's conversations.
- (24:05) Good fucking God, the ring modulated voice is spreading to the kids.
- (26:39) The fuck kind of map is that? Do they live on a half-eaten gingerbread man?
- (26:58) The dog knows where the North Pole is?
- (27:06) Also, that only works for large packs of dogs, and I'm not sure Licorice can actually bear the weight of multiple kids. And their supplies.
- (28:51) H.M. ship 'Liquorice' were deserted on the 22nd April, 5 leagues N.N.W. of this, having been beset since 12th September, 1990. The officers and crews, consisting of 105 souls, under the command of Captain Pappy Mavilda, landed here in lat. 69˚ 37' 42" N., long. 98˚ 41' W. This paper was found by Lt. Lily Hopewell under the cairn supposed to have been built by Sir James Ross in 1831–4 miles to the Northward – where it had been deposited by the late Commander Gore in May June 1991. Sir James Ross’ pillar has not however been found and the paper has been transferred to this position which is that in which Sir J. Ross’ pillar was erected – Sir John Franklin died on the 11th June, 1991; and the total loss by deaths in the expedition has been to this date 9 officers and 15 men.
- (30:15) Let this be a warning: do not fuck with Baloo!
- (31:35) Okay, fun fact: when audiences were done watching one of Shakespeare's new plays, the bulk of the audience, especially
- (32:14) Wow. My sister's gone and probably dead and I'm only mildly disappointed. And I think my half-assed reference to the Franklin Expedition went too early.
- (33:23) You were the responsible one for all this? Was this script not written by a native English speaker.
- (33:53) Wow. I think we just went into the red. Imagine how horrible it would be if I actually played this on a proper sound system.
- (34:56) Is it weird that I recently rewatched The Virgin Sacrifice and it has this exact scene?
- (37:17) Okay, makes sense. It's why I've got a dakimakura of an unjustly obscure actress from the 2000s.
- (37:42) And now they notice these kids never have new clothes.
- (38:20) And that chainsaw looks more like a gas model than an electric.
- (38:37) Are those two extras just outlines painted over in grey paint that look like placeholders? Also, does using a tree as a lightning rod to electrocute somebody make sense?
- (38:56) That's strangely inconvenient. Santa magics light onto the trees, but they're all just off the tree.
- (39:19) Why does Santa's face look like he spends the rest of the year sitting on park benches and eying little girls with bad intent?
- (39:43) That's shockingly lazy for Santa; just tossing presents to the ground with parachutes and hoping they end up in the proper places
- (41:38) Because you want to keep on the woman who ran the orphanage into the ground as an assistant.
- (41:47) "You Always Win When You Are Good." That's it? A moral that makes no sense in the context of the special because the only reason she became good was because she got struck by lightning and got brain damage?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
![[Image: harmlesskitchen.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/yxR97P23/harmlesskitchen.png)
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
