The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Krampus: The Reckoning. Not much of a prelude here, except to say that I only found out it was on Amazon Prime after Christmas, and I found myself wondering if I needed to watch the main Krampus movie this movie is clearly mockbustering. Since it's a Christmas movie and not on any of the three main streaming services, I worried that it wasn't available to watch. Fortunately, the local library kept a few copies in circulation. And, of course, all the time, I kept wondering if it was necessary, and for a few days, I decided maybe I didn't need to, especially since one of the only positive reviews on IMDb for the film came from the creative team and went out of its way to slag off the other one BEFORE IT WAS EVEN RELEASED. But then I decided, what the Hell, and picked it up at the library. It was a good, fun piece of misanthropic Christmas comedy. And this one? Well, let's see:

• What's with all the pauses in this a capella rendition of "In the Bleak Midwinter"? It might have been a good rendition, but the pauses keep distracting me.
  
• And why does the scene keep fading out randomly? You don't need to do that; just intercut between the credits and the scene.
  
• What even is that commercial for?
  
• So, you've got a problem with the kid (I don't even know how they're related) wandering out of her room at night, something so bad you installed a padlock on her door, and you leave the door ajar while you're screwing someone else with her in the house?
  
• You ever watch the real Krampus movie and you at least get a chance of seeing why maybe it might be satisfying to see the Krampus kill all the members of this dysfunctional family? Good thing they don't bother with that. 
  
• Why is a Sam Elliot soundalike narrating this movie now?
  
• She's clearly traumatised? She's talking like she's in a Bresson film!
  
• Remember that huge smokestack behind the garden? That's our chimney where we incinerate the bodies of kids who ask too many questions and turn them into -- Fucking Hell, Zoe actually made that remark before I did.
  
• What did she just do? There had to be some sort of effect behind what she was doing to startle him.
  
• Tell me more about your scars? Well, let's see, My father was...a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "Why so serious, son?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And... why so serious?
  
• Okay, so I'm watching this with the subtitles, as I usually do, and for whatever reason, the dialogue is so shit that even the subtitlers have no idea what they're even saying at times, just saying "mumbling." And somehow, I think one of those mumbles is "miss Happy Hour."
  
• And why did they give us exposition on who Krampus is twice? 
  
• So, Zoe looks like a little girl, but is apparently 30? You know, the odd thing is I actually had a theater teacher who matched that description.
  
• "The former foster child Zoe Weaver?"
  
• Gee, a strange case of Deja Vu that only comes up about an hour into the movie.
  
• How does this boatload of child porn connect to the Zoe Weaver case? I dunno, the script just says so.
  
• And apparently, she doesn't even remember anything before she went into foster care. Gee, I wonder if this is setting up a nonsensical twist?
  
• So, apparently Rachel and the doctor are long-lost sisters, and Rachel caused their parents to die in a fire because she summoned the Krampus. And Somehow, despite being a main character, she died in the crash. And so, she spontaneously and her adpoted son survives the operation he needed to have because she crashed her car with him in it even though it didn't make any sense for her to do so, and all evidence of Zoe after 1992 vanishes.
  

Well, that was needlessly confusing.