The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Breaking Wind Part One. And so, once again, the Reverend finds himself going back to the well of Craig Moss' parody films and seeing whether or not he can actually live up to his reputation of being a knock-off version of Seltzerberg after 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo wound up not being TOTAL cancer (more like 99% cancer). And surprisingly, I actually picked up a copy of Vampires Suck and it wound up being a bit less shit than usual for Seltzerberg, even if it's only because they chose an obvious target with Twilight, one of the most mocked franchises in history. And by an extraordinary coincidence, I actually overheard someone talking about how their daughter just finished re-reading the book series when I went to Half-Price Books yesterday, so the fandom isn't totally dead. So, let's see how Craig Moss fucks it up before it leaves Prime at the end of the month:

• Just for the record, this only parodies Eclipse, mostly because Seltzerberg covered the first two books and the film adaptations of Breaking Dawn didn't come out when it was made. And they chose the most boring of the books to take on. 
  
• The title card farted. Twice.
  
• So, the whole "why doesn't Edward change Bella" dilemma is avoided by making it a joke about diapers. Fucking Hell, even Seltzerberg at least had the balls to acknowledge how pointless the whole dilemma was.
  
• So, it's been four minutes and Edward's fucked Bella's grandma in at least two holes.
  
• Okay, how do you even give a blowjob to a penguin?
  
• Sexy cheese? That's a very strange metaphor for breasts, Bruce.
  
• Was that a reference to the bear suit in The Shining?
  
• And they reference TMZ and it devolves into references to tea-bagging.
  
• Well, I'll be damned, an actual joke about the absurdities inherent in the series: "How many times do you get to graduate high school?" As said by a group of people who've stayed in high school for fuck knows how long.
  
• And we're reduced to midgets miming sex acts before the ten minute mark. 
  
• And the Cullen clan is now the Colon clan.
  
• 6 3/4"? My God, that's a perfectly normal penis size and not much to brag about. 
  
• So is there a reason Craig Moss is so obsessed with sex with pool cleaners?
  
• What the Hell is even going on in Bella's narration? She's talking about moving to Spoons and then junior mints and then she's vegan and why is she into In n Out Burger?
  
• Switzerland=large vagina?
  
• And what the fuck is Danny Trejo even talking about? He's apparently a transformer who's fighting food mascots and then why the fuck are they fighting Johnny Depp clones?
  
• And since when are all of Johnny Depp's characters the same? Even the ones they mentioned, are Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, The Mad Hatter, and Edward Scissorhands played the exact same way? I can get people being burned out on Johnny Depp slumming it in blockbusters, but he doesn't play them all the same way.
  
• That homage to the Count von Count would have been a lot funnier if they were counting anything other than testicles. Also, why do I get the feeling that the counting won't actually play a role in the film later on? 
  
• Fucking Hell, even Seltzerberg didn't milk fart jokes this fucking long. 
  
• Okay, so there's a joke about a gay dude masturbating on the floor while another gay dude sits on a bed waiting to catch the jism with his mouth and saying "Skytram!" when he does. Well, fun fact: I remember somehow reading a DVD review of this film and they talked about the commentary how the cast and crew were all laughing and high-fiving each other over this piece of shit, but when this joke came on they all just criticised it for once. This was the line they weren't willing to cross. Think about that.
  
• And why say "ass-hump" when they're going to describe a revolting sex act anyway?
  
• And they have to role-play with Edward playing a black guy and if I wanted to watch this, Amazon Prime also has Peep Show and it's far better than this horseshit.
  
• The most enhanced breasts in the world? They look like C-cups at best.
  
• By the way, that Leeroy Jenkins reference reminded me: Internet Historian has a new video out:
  
  
  
• The baddies are planking and owling? How are they not sitting ducks? And why aren't they Johnny Depp clones? Or counting?
  
• And they're repeating the same phrases Bella used about how bad her
  
• Are the Noobs going to change with every fucking shot? Now they're kids reading off cue cards talking about gambling and Storage Wars.
  
• So, how do you think they're going to take on Breaking Dawn, y'know, the book they were named after... Well, Bella has a booger hanging from her nose during the wedding, the obligatory bed-breaking scene (complete with Skytram that doesn't correspond with the description they gave earlier), Montezuma's Revenge, and the baby being Midget Edward's.
  
• Also, they pad this movie out with reaction videos related to Twilight: Eclipse's trailer. And they single out NuttyMadam3575, who I'm fairly certain is mentally ill. At least that's the impression that comes from the clips chosen. 
  

And so, we reach the first "Legitimately Not a Better Love Story Than Twilight" film in the Project. Except maybe Glitter.