The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, in commemoration of the 76th anniversary of the Soviet Union winning the Battle of Berlin, and my managing to find a first edition of Lifton's The Nazi Doctors, I'm going to take on Werewolves of the Third Reich. And, as someone who's kind of a beast in this area of history, I'm looking forward to tearing this movie a new asshole.

• GodDAM, those American soldiers' accents sound fake as shit.
  
• So, how does drinking equal loving your enemy?
  
• Well, so far, it looks like this is just going to be a low-rent version of the tavern scene from Inglourious Basterds. And, bear in mind, that was probably the slowest part of the film.
  
•  As laudable a goal as killing Nazis is, I'm more than a little disturbed, partly that Uncle Sam's willing to put someone who's clearly so unstable in the Army, and partly that they're finally making the Inglourious Basterds pastiche more blatant.
  
• I'm not 100% about that, but I think the term is "Verpiss Dich!" and not "Fick Dich!" At least at this point in time, when American media hasn't saturated Europe's media.
  
• Why is Auschwitz an abandoned high school?
  
• Wait, Ilse Koch is working with Josef Mengele? Didn't they work in different camps? Like the nickname "The Bitch of Buchenwald" would suggest?
  
• And why are they still using sewn-on patches and not tattoos? Of course, I suppose the work-shy/asocial types identified by those triangles might be ideal medical subjects. And why are the prisoners still speaking German while Koch is speaking English? Or is that supposed to be Polish?
  
• Is there a reason Hitler's trying to talk through a speech impediment? I don't think his meth addiction ever got that bad. That said, I suppose it makes sense that Hitler, as drug-addled as he would be by that point, would entrust such a program to Mengele, who was, by this point, a Nazi scientist even the other Nazi scientists had zero respect for.
  
• "Why are you doing this?" Honestly, this scene has been going on long enough that I don't even know why the SS officer who sounds like a drunk Grover is forcing the scientist to blow his head off, even though they have everything they need to make more of the serum.
  
• And why is the framerate suddenly so shit? And why is the only sound a royalty-free tremolo guitar cover of "House of the Rising Sun"?
  
• I've been about a third of the way through this movie and only now have I managed to find a scene that connected to any previous scene.
  
• Why does the US uniform look more at home in the UK?
  
• And now we're plagiarising from Full Metal  Jacket?
  
• And the soldier's using Briticised pronunciations? Lemme guess, he's either me, or he's a British actor pretending to be a Yank.
  
• And the Nazi posts quotes two of Dirty Harry's catchphrases in as many sentences. 
  
• Huh. Evidently Mengele and Ilse Koch were married this whole time. Even though Ilse Koch's actual husband was an important part of her crimes, y'know, in Buchenwald. 
  
• Huh. High-ranking Nazi officials listened to Bessie Smith, even though the blues is almost certainly nowhere near as Aryische enough for the standards of Nazi ideology. I would never have guessed.
  
• Oh, look, it's 66 minutes in and we finally get a werewolf in this werewolf movie. 
  
• And apparently, Ilse Koch isn't the sociopath she was in reality, since she sobs at the prospect of mercy-killing her former lover-turned-werewolf, giving him the chance to kill her.
  
• Also, that werewolf makeup is clearly a latex mask. 
  
• Somehow, I only just noticed now that the four main US soldiers have beards. I'm not counting that against them, but I'm almost certain the American military would. 
  
• You Nazi Fuck, Punk Off!
  
• So, Ilse's a werewolf now? 
  
• And there's a bomb all of a sudden, Why not?
  
• Being a shit-shoveling farmer becomes a lot more bearable when you moonlight as an abortionist. 
  
• Okay, in fairness, it's honestly satisfying to see Mad Dog kill Josef Mengele instead of him just stroking out while swimming. Why the gang's back together after all this time is a riddle for the ages. 
  

You know, the sad thing is this is fairly decent by the admittedly very low standards of the Deep Hurting Project.  So, it looks like a kid's movie's up next: a choice between Bands on the Run, Disco Worms, and Zoo Wars. Now I'm off to check and see what's still on Prime this month.