The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, from the makers of Fishtales, is Finding Jesus. And, somehow, I get the feeling it's going to be even less of a movie than Fishtales was.

• So, an underwater day in the ocean. As opposed to the above-water days in the ocean.
  
• A fish named Muggles. In a Christian movie.
  
• So, why is this shark not moving, not eating Joy and Muggles, and speaking like someone who made last place in a Jimmy Stewart imitation contest?
  
• I'd be baffled as to why these fish are so big on Jesus, but I was raised on Veggietales. But, then again, by this point in a Veggietales video, there'd be an actual plot. But it's the same couple shots repeated for a couple minutes. Fucking Christ, Big Idea put in effort when they did Veggietales, even when it was just a couple guys in an abandoned mall working before the release of Toy Story.
  
• A dolphin can swim faster in currents without a dorsal fin?
  
• Scary Henry is a depressed crab who looks like he's always smiling. Why does nothing about this character make sense?
  
• It's nine minutes in and only now have they actually put some effort in conveying what the point of Christianity even is.
  
• Yes, that's a smile. And, of course you two didn't do anything, it's the same exact same look you gave Scary Henry in the beginning. 
  
• And this adventure barely did anything. You know what,  I'm just gonna leave this here:
  
  
  What do you know, they actually had a proper story structure and decent writing. And, to remind you, this was made before Toy Story was released. And it's still more effort than was put in the film.
• Wait, are we on repeat? Is this the same exact structure we just had to go through? Fuck me, this is going to be a compilation of episodes of an abortion of a TV show stuck together and called a movie, isn't it?
  
• All those new predators? Like Professor Shark should be?
  
• Wait, Marlo got stuck in seaweed? Why didn't Professor Shark actually help him?
  
• There's no time to lose, which is why they're still stuck in the same places for the last couple minutes.
  
• Why the fuck are we talking about the importance of friendship and not saving Marlo? Isn't there a life at stake?
  
• They swim like never before. Which is why they kept to the same model.
  
• And that's apparently an algae bed. And why can't we see any green?
  
• So, these fish are two weeks old.
  
• So, what about David and Jonathan reminds you of Muggles and Joy? Is it the simple fact that they're friendships? And why the fuck aren't they acting it out? That's what Veggietales would have done.
  
• And these new reefs the fish have been exploring are so awesome, they're not even going to show them.
  
• Well, that was anticlimactic: Marlo saved himself.
  
• And they're discovering another new bed of algae with another fish helping them, except this time around, we don't even see it. 
  
• So, giving to the poor is better because you'll be rewarded when the dead rise from the grave. Got it. 
  
• And there's no crustaceans in this place apparently rich in crustaceans?
  
• Wait, why are they so worried about homework? Didn't Professor Shark tell them to take the rest of the day off because they showed friends a bed of algae? Okay, so apparently the transition between this episode and the last one is a bit less obvious than the last episodes.
  
• Didn't you just do this verse from the book of Timothy?
  
• So, Mr. Sushi is just a sushi roll speaking in what I can only describe as a clearly fake Franco-Japanese accent.
  
• They're going to tell Professor Shark about all the things they studied. But not the audience, evidently.
  
• And, apparently, the school is willing to give two-week old fish a job as a teacher. 
  
• Boo Cakes? Is he any relation to Buck Cake? 
  
• We're all perfect in Jesus' eyes? That does not sound like actual Christian doctrine. 
  
• "It's been a blood day?" 
  
• Forgetfulness=/=clumsiness.
  
• A pink fish? You mean a seahorse? 
  

Well, that was shit. Worse than Fishtales, less of a movie, and didn't even bother to integrate its Christianity into the movie beyond pontificating about how awesome Jesus is. And nobody even bothered to look for Jesus, let alone find him.