I realized I never properly responded to this. I meant to but got busy and it slipped my mind. Just like all my topics. I don't "shit and run" on purpose.
I wanted to thank everyone for their advice and opinions. Agreed, if I do this, I'll be doing it to challenge the painful things that are keeping me angry, vulnerable, and halting my ability to heal and grow. That's what has me hesitating because I don't know how much I trust myself to not give up if it makes me uncomfortable. On paper, I think I can. But once I get in there, who knows what I'll be confronted with? I've been watching a lot of youtube about how to select someone and how to know if it's a good fit.
Are you talking about where I said there's concepts and ideas that I get emotional about still? Like, I get angry, upset. When I talk about the Mormon cult, it's genuinely talking about it AS a cult. I was all in. I had absolute trust in the leaders, the prophet, that they spoke directly to and for God and that if they told me to pick my nose and eat it or to push grandma down the stairs, that there was a part of god's plan that I didn't know but they had that access. And I would do it, trusting in their privilege without question. A scary thing to admit to but even when I was inactive, if the prophet had come out with something extreme, something kool-aid related, it wouldn't have hit my radar to doubt or deny. It would instead have been processed as "oh shit...this is it. God's coming down the stairs and He means business."
So, concepts and ideas I get triggered by are things having to do with trust, obedience, the moral character of god. Like, my obedience was conditional on that absolute trust in the perfection of god and the infallibility of the Mormon prophets. I made choices for my life based on my trust in the cult, in the God they represented. And I had that trust betrayed, I wasted my time, my life over lies, scammed out of my hard earned money for years. On the topic of prayer, on the other site, some dude got in my shit and told me that I resented sky daddy for not holding my hand. And yeah....yeah, that's true. I hold resentment for the fantasy I wanted, the ability to depend on something being absolutely true.
But I can't stay angry and full of regret. I can't punish people in my life for what the cult did to take advantage of me.
I wanted to thank everyone for their advice and opinions. Agreed, if I do this, I'll be doing it to challenge the painful things that are keeping me angry, vulnerable, and halting my ability to heal and grow. That's what has me hesitating because I don't know how much I trust myself to not give up if it makes me uncomfortable. On paper, I think I can. But once I get in there, who knows what I'll be confronted with? I've been watching a lot of youtube about how to select someone and how to know if it's a good fit.
(September 22, 2021 at 11:49 am)The Grand Nudger Wrote: Now that we've handled our disclaimers. Elephant in the room...what concepts and ideas? I can't help but gawk and wonder...I don't think I'm even capable of imagining.
Are you talking about where I said there's concepts and ideas that I get emotional about still? Like, I get angry, upset. When I talk about the Mormon cult, it's genuinely talking about it AS a cult. I was all in. I had absolute trust in the leaders, the prophet, that they spoke directly to and for God and that if they told me to pick my nose and eat it or to push grandma down the stairs, that there was a part of god's plan that I didn't know but they had that access. And I would do it, trusting in their privilege without question. A scary thing to admit to but even when I was inactive, if the prophet had come out with something extreme, something kool-aid related, it wouldn't have hit my radar to doubt or deny. It would instead have been processed as "oh shit...this is it. God's coming down the stairs and He means business."
So, concepts and ideas I get triggered by are things having to do with trust, obedience, the moral character of god. Like, my obedience was conditional on that absolute trust in the perfection of god and the infallibility of the Mormon prophets. I made choices for my life based on my trust in the cult, in the God they represented. And I had that trust betrayed, I wasted my time, my life over lies, scammed out of my hard earned money for years. On the topic of prayer, on the other site, some dude got in my shit and told me that I resented sky daddy for not holding my hand. And yeah....yeah, that's true. I hold resentment for the fantasy I wanted, the ability to depend on something being absolutely true.
But I can't stay angry and full of regret. I can't punish people in my life for what the cult did to take advantage of me.
