The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

Well, I've decided I'm going to see if I can keep going through my genre cycles and still keep up something of a horror theme. So, this week in the Deep Hurting Project will be the a sequel to the homage that tried and failed to remake one of Hitchcock's last films, Birdemic II: The Resurrection. The original film was meant to be a homage to The Birds that failed because James Nguyen is an inept filmmaker. With the sequel, he decides "I meant to do that" and kept being

• Yes, that is Hollywood and Vine. But where's the shot of the street signs at Pico and Sepulveda?
  
  
  
• And that long walking scene looks really nondescript and meaningless. COuld have done with some "Unfinished Sympathy," but, then again, Massive Attack is probably outside of Jimmy-boy's budget.
  
• You know, while I do tend to stan long tracking shots and the directors who love them, maybe some more intercutting of these LA landmarks he's walking past could have improved this scene. 
  
• Is this going to just rehash the original movie?
  
• You're an actress, why haven't I heard about you? You know, the fact that LA is infested with people desperate to break into the movie business, I'm watching this with a body pillow of an actress who actually starred in a couple famous movies you've heard of, and hardly anyone knows who she is. 
  
• No movies about Hollywood from an indie perspective? Does Living in Oblivion not exist in this universe?
  
• Also, as much as I love directors to have creative control over their work, sometimes (especially when the director is an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing) it fucks a movie up. You know, like this movie and the previous one.
  
• Most Hollywood movies cost $100 million? I get the feeling that's a bit exaggerated.
  
• Raining red in Half Moon Bay? You know, besides the fact that there's parts of India where it rains red sometimes, I'm torn between wanting to play Slayer's "Raining Blood" and Peter Gabriel's "Red Rain". And the fact that there's a three-video-per-post limit makes it even more frustrating.
  
• Why does most of the phone call between the director and his future leading lady consist of shit we already know? Is that just more shit to pad it out to 79 minutes?
  
• Good fucking God, you could cut out half this dialogue and lose zero information!!!
  
• Somehow the fake swimming and obviously CGI jellyfish look like a step down from the original. And they looked like this:
  
  
  
• And, somehow, between shots, someone drew on her left leg and arm with a magenta marker. Because there's no way in Hell that's supposed to replicate the effects of an encounter with a jellyfish.
  
• Giant Jumbo Jellyfish? Are they seriously that wedded to that phrase?
  
• And we're going to go to La Brea like nothing even happened. Also, is it weird that I find myself wondering how the La Brea museum's collection compares to the Field Museum? 
  
• The Teratorn did not attack cavemen. The fact that they seemed to go extinct just before the Clovis people came to North America on the Siberian land bridge aside, while they did actually hunt some live prey, their limit seems to have been about the size of a small rabbit.
  
• Also, did they say that Susan from the first movie died because of food poisoning from food she didn't actually eat? I'd go into a Richie Cusack clip, but we know exactly why this happened: the actor was forced to ad-lib a line explaining why she wasn't in the movie.
  
• So how does this Rebel Without a Cause curse theory square with Jim Backus and Dennis Hopper living well into their seventies?
  
• Why is the entire soundtrack comprised of lawyer-friendly versions of better songs with lyrics about breaking into Hollywood?
  
• Also, I just found out that the guys from Million Dollar Extreme made it into the movie as beachgoers. I guess we'll have to wait to see which beachgoers decide to start talking in Nazi dogwhistles if we want to find them.
  
• You know, of all the strange things in the original to reference, I'm surprised the state of the leading lady's feet's cleanliness wasn't one of them. You'd think that this would be one of the easier pecadilloes of the original film to lampshade and justify. "Your feet are filthy." "I go barefoot all the time."
  
• Why does it look like the skeletons in the museum are screeching? Are they implying that the dead bird skeletons are comign to life?
  
• She's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
  
• Why aren't the birds exploding? And why do the giant vultures look like they're blue jay-sized at best?
  
• Dead birds falling from the sky is not the same as zombie birds attacking people.
  
• Hey, idiots, you think you can leave this talk about your zombie bird movie for when you're not in the midst of a zombie bird attack?
  
• Nope, he's not dead. Jigglypuff just put on an impromptu concert and it turns out he got a different coloured marker than in the anime.
  
• Non-polluting? You'd think they'd be aware that there'd probably be some CO2 emissions from the camera crew of their reality show. Or that Apple's iPad has quite the environmental impact of its own.
  
• No toilet pape- Crap, these guys are based on Colin Beavan's family, aren't they?
  
• Is it weird that this may actually be one of the few zombie movies I've seen where they actually show the dead rising from their graves? 
  
• They're going to help the zombies? Dis Gon Be Good.
  
• So, there's been a zombie outbreak that involves birds and humans attacking humans because global warming. What dost thou deau? Go to the fucking zoo, of course.
  
• You know, claiming that all civilization will be underwater with a two-degree warming does not help when denialists pounce at any opportunity of a failed prediction to shit on the entire fucking concept.
  
• And there's fucking cavemen all of a sudden? The same two cavemen who appeared in the cutaway getting attacked by the birds when they were trying to bone? Why is there no logic to how this is supposed to work?
  
• And the leading man is dead and the movie's over. It doesn't so much end as stop as a static shot of birds flying past the Hollywood sign goes on for much longer than it has to. Including two minutes before the credits actually started. 
  

So, since next week is supposed to be a drama, I figure that The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson is going to be a good excuse for a shitty horror-drama film, especially since the same director turned the last days of Sharon Tate into a ripoff of The Strangers.