Destruction of self confidence

[The Grand Nudger]

I don't know how to follow that, so I won't even try... thanks for sharing

Ever the self immolater. 

I shared, in part...to get it off my chest.  My parents, my real parents, are dying.   To give you a picture of how trying to adhere to the traditional standards offers no real protection from what I think you might have experienced.  You probably have some nugget of wisdom that I don't, as a consequence of how I've been seeking out that standard designation for so long with no reason, no real self possessed and undeniable reason, to do so.  You're not the one following something in this.  That's me, and all that my response was?  My own effort to deserve the candor you've expressed.

So, what's up, what gives, tell me how to untie my own knot by reference to your past experience you bastard.  Who do I have to fucking kill to get the benefit of your wisdom?  Just point and nod. 

(I'm only kidding, btw, except for the pointing and nodding thing.... they'll be dead before you could help me even if you had the answers)

You mention that being able to discuss aquinas and the five ways has, in some sense, rehabilitated this relationship for you. Well, I've never found anything, and can't think of anything, that could do the same for me. I'm staring down the barrel of other people's mortality having chased their approval and still looking for a way to get it in all of the ways they always wanted me to and I've never actually done anything else in that respect. Even though those same people look at me and look at everyone else and see subhumans in others where they see virtue in me...and even if they had another decade for us to hash it out...and even with all of my own history of seeking in the approved manner as a stepping stool...I can't see it happening.