The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Dancin: It's On!, a movie that's best described as the unholy offspring of High School Musical 2 and From Justin to Kelly directed by the same guy who directed MST3K feature Space Mutiny (and also played A-Rab in West Side Story). I know about it from The Cinema Snob, but I'm going to see if I can make any different jokes.

• "Someway, somewhere, somehow," someone's going to end up in the Hospital because they thought dancing in a kitchen was a good idea.
  
  
  If I'm being reminded of this in the first minute of your musical, something's very wrong.
• This movie was made in 2015. How does it look like the DV camera used is at least 10 years older than that? It's so low-resolution that I get the feeling I could know every pixel by its name.
  
• Don't you just hate when you watch a musical, and none of the songs on the soundtrack are being sung by the characters? By that exact standard, literally every movie made by Tarantino is a musical. Then again, listening to the characters' actual dialogue, it's clear that the actors were cast for their dancing ability. Then again, Climax had mostly dancers in its cast, and Gaspar Noe didn't have that problem.
  
• Are the complicated dance moves part of your name, The Captain?
  
• Wow. That hotel looks like what Columbia College Chicago tried to pass itself off as.
  
• Gone With The Wind is your favourite movie? Is it weird that I want to know what she thinks about the racist shit in it (even if it is toned down from the original novel and was made at a time when one of the main actresses could be barred from attending the premiere solely because she was black)?
  
• I've seen movies from Hong Kong with better lip-syncing than this movie. And they still couldn't get people who sound like they can act to dub the lines.
  
• How's your kitty? I don't think Dads are supposed to ask that of their daughters. Especially if that's one of the first questions you ask her in years. And we don't actually see a kitty with her, so it's not like it'd even work as a double entendre.
  
• You're sweet. I can tell because I'm just reading off a script and can't feel any actual chemistry.
  
• Random stilt people in the background. I know what you're trying to do, movie, and it's not working. The Bratz movie was too insane to hate, and you're not even trying to approach that.
  
• Man, that has to be an extremely impractical sexual position.
  
• So, this old guy who looks like Ming the Merciless is played by the director. He appeared in one of the greatest movie musicals of all time, and somehow, he's just as shit an actor as everyone else. 
  
• You know what would be a more interesting watch? A movie about how that weird fucking waterski jetpack (which is apparently called a Flyboard) was invented.
  
• Why is her name spelled Shotsy? Why not Schatze?
  
• Wow. I'm so pissed off that I'm just going to do parkour while nu-metal plays.
  
• Are park benches usually this easy to knock over? Aren't they usually bolted to the ground?
  
• And we have a cross-fade juxtaposing the dancing guy spinning and a helicopter heavily implied to be piloted by the director's character's son exploding. This has to be one of the most ham-fisted attempts at visual exposition I've ever seen.
  
• How did you even know he was dancing well when you were asleep for most of it?
  
• Refresh-a my mem-o-ro-ry?
  
• What's the question? Didn't you just answer the question "What are you really good at?"
  
• And we cut away to hear the guy who inserts some random Shakespeare. Somehow he's the only person who looks like he could potentially be trying to act in this film. 
  
• Give the guy a kiss already? It looks like the guy's giving the girl a kiss.
  
• And why did they have to cut to an old couple and a younger gay couple to comment on the kiss?
  
• Shimmy Shimmy dow? Could they not afford an ODB song?
  

You know what, next week in the Project: the 2019 reboot of Black Christmas.